Constant Vigilance

Fair warning:  today's blog will be a bit more rambly than usual!

I have an obsessive mind.  I ruminate on things, long after they should be well and done, and I get caught up in anxiety loops.  At any given time, my mind is probably either hashing over something that has happened in the past, something I feel I did wrong or how someone reacted to something I do, or I am worrying about the future, about the horrible things to come (because of course it wouldn't be anxiety inducing if I thought about the good things).

My mind naturally goes to the darker places.  It's funny though, I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a pessimist.  I actually most of the times really expect things to turn out well....I just fret and fuss in my head about the million 'what if???' possibilities.  The good ones I skim over, because however wonderful they would be, they don't require preparation.  The bad ones, those are the killers.  Those are the thoughts that bang around in my head long after they should be gone, and create problems.

There is a quote, in a Laurell K. Hamilton novel that always reminds me of this.  It's kind of long, and not completely related, but in essence, it is a conversation between two psychics, both people who can 'feed' off of other people's memories and emotions.  And the question one poses to the other is:  do you ever get tempted to take more than you should.  The other person responds that being tempted isn't really the issue or heart of it.  That of course everyone is tempted to do those naughty things that they know they shouldn't do.  Even if you aren't truly considering it, even if it's just that random thought that flies through your head and is immediately discarded, the possibility has entered your head, and it can make you wonder if you are a good person or not.

But the response, that the other character gives is this:  it's not about being tempted, it's about making the decision, every second of every day, to do the right thing.  To make the choice to be the good guy, and to not fall prey to those thoughts that are floating about in your head.

This distinction, between being tempted and making the decision to always choose to do the right thing, is one that I think applies to a ton of areas in our lives.  Of course, it easily applies to ethics and morality.  I have said, many times before, and will probably say many more times, that I don't hold magic to different standards of right and wrong than I do any other part of my life. 

But right and wrong can be full of grey areas and tricky situations.  Most people agree that stealing is wrong, but if you or your family are starving, most people would probably steal to stay alive, especially if they can steal from someone else's bounty (and not from another starving person).  On the flip side, if two people are trying for the same job, most people don't feel it wrong to promote themselves or talk themselves up.  Many people would consider it less right to talk down their opponent, even if the things you are saying are accurate and true.

Being a good person and acting morally is constant work.  We must keep our eyes open, and always check in with our actions.  It is very easy to be motivated by what we are feeling in the moment or by our past experiences.  We may not always have the luxury of stopping and taking the time to consider what we are doing and why, but when we do have the time and ability, we should!  And, when we notice that we may have taken an action that wasn't on the side of right, we owe it to ourselves to consider how we might correct our mistake.

This might mean making a proper apology or some kind of restitution to the wronged party.  It can be really easy to think that little things like this aren't important, but simply admitting you are wrong, can be a very powerful act.  It can mean a lot, both to yourself and to the other people involved.  You never know how the simplest thing can completely change another person's life.  I am constantly reading feel-good stories about this kind of thing, either a kind word or a small gesture, that dramatically alters someone's day, sometimes turning into a ripple effect that changes their entire life!

But it might also mean adjusting your attitude for the future.  We may not be able to go back and make things right, especially if it was a chance encounter with a stranger.  What we can do, is change how we will act if a similar situation were to occur.  The more we think about how to behave, and how to respond to different situations, the more likely we are to follow our intentions and act in a way that aligns with our inner truth.

So how does all this cycle back around to my obsessive thoughts?  Firstly, let me tell you, from experience, that having someone else say a kind word, express their appreciation of a thing I have done, or even apologize for something they did (no matter how minor) can help break my cycle of obsessive thoughts.  Instead of being caught up in this loop of continually asking myself what I might have done differently, or what I could have done better, now I have this outside input that tells me that what I did was okay. 

In a more direct way though, the approach of being continually vigilant about how we respond to things can help combat obsessive thoughts and derail the viscous cycle before it truly begins.  When we focus on what we might do better, instead of how we messed up, we are turning that negative thought into a positive one, and better still we are putting our focus on the outcome, on the positive things that we can turn any situation into.

This type of vigilance is a habit that can be built up just like any other habit.  The more we practice taking even half a second to think about what we are doing, and to deliberately make the best choice we can, instead of reacting without thought, the more this becomes our default action.  Instead of simply taking action, we will find ourselves automatically thinking, "What does this mean to me?" or "What are the ramifications of this choice?"  Even when we are faced with bad options, we will feel better about our choice because it was a deliberate choice, not just our way of grasping at straws and taking whatever is thrust at us.

And if you are like me, if your thoughts spiral around and cause you problems, perhaps you will find that taking notice of your obsessive thoughts as soon as they begin allows you to direct them better.  Instead of them swirling all around you, trying to drown you, perhaps you will be able to send them in a better direction, or at least slow them down enough that you can keep your head above the water.