Altering Archetypes

 As Pagans, we tend to be pretty familiar with archetypes.  We have them for...well everything LOL.  But sometimes, the archetypes we work with aren't in alignment with our own truth.  Or, they feel somewhat outdated, as if they were how previous generations interpreted an archetype and we are left with something that doesn't fit our modern understanding of things.

I've always had a bit of frustration with the male archetypes.  The female archetypes feel pretty well rounded:  maiden, mother and crone.  I feel like they speak to phases of life more than vocation (though of course mother is a sticking point for many people, myself included).  And while the basic trinity has been expanded or adapted a lot, it remains a core way of thinking for a lot of people.

I feel like the male trinity (warrior, father, sage) isn't nearly as solid and is much more outdated.  Specifically, I think that the role of Father has changed so much over the years as our family dynamic, interpersonal relationships and just way of thinking about masculinity has changed.

When we talk of the role of fatherhood, things that almost always come up are being a provider (putting food on the table, bringing home the paycheck, keeping a roof over everyone's heads), being a disciplinarian ('just wait till your father gets home!') and being able of doing all the hard labor stuff (yard work, car work, home repairs).  The thing that gets me about this is most of those things have nothing to do with being a father!  They are just bits of our gender roles that have latched them onto 'adult males' and just like many people think the goal of a woman's life is to be a mother, we have bundled all these traits onto being a father, when many of them aren't nearly as tied to the role of father as they might have been in other times.

There are many ways to think about the term archetype.  I tend to think of it as the 'perfect' ideal of a concept.  I always think of the chair example.  The archetype of a chair holds all the basic bits we think about that define something as a chair (typically that it has something you sit on and puts you up off the floor, and it's for one person).  When we talk about a chair, most people have a basic idea that comes into their mind, and even if the specific chair we are talking about doesn't really resemble the idea in our head, we still recognize the 'chairness' of the thing we are discussing (especially true for some modern interpretations of chairs that may break any or all of those rules...yet we still acknowledge them as a chair).

For some reason, when it comes to an archetype like fatherhood, we loose the ability to separate specific traits from the idea of fatherhood (as an archetype).  If you think about traditional family roles, the traits we link to fathers are ones that the father was expected to fulfill.  The problem is that we've changed how we view families, and now we have a much broader definition, and that also changed the roles that the father plays in the family.

I want to think a bit about the concept of mothering for a minute though.  Many people (Pagans especially, since we talk about the maiden/mother/crone trinity so often) have adapted their definition of mother to include other creative nurturing.  Being in the Mother phase doesn't necessarily mean you have actual children.  I think many people have also come to accept that being a literal mother doesn't mean you automatically are a nurturing person (or that you are naturally inclined to take care of all children you encounter)

And yet, for some reason, I feel like our adaptation of the archetype of Fatherhood is still lagging behind.  It's like a lot of people don't know how to break free from these old ideas, even though they may know quite a few people personally who break traditional roles of fatherhood and recognize them as amazing fathers!  

With Father's day just around the corner, I think it's important to spend some time thinking about what you think about the archetype of the father, and what it means to be a father.  Look at the fathers you know, both your own and other people's and consider what you feel makes them a father.  Twist it up in your head a bit and think about what the role of fatherhood is in people who don't have biological children (in the same light as how the Mother phase of life is seen for women).

And if you have fathers in your life (again, both your own and fathers you know), perhaps consider letting them know they are doing a good job, even if they aren't matching the traditional image of a father.  Especially around Father's day, when media and everything else is reinforcing those traditional values...recognize the other parts of the archetype that you think should be more strongly associated with fatherhood.  It's only through continual linking of the qualities we admire in fathers that we will change how people view the archetype!

Your path is private

 We live in an age of sharing and public announcements about...everything.  So many people are posting their entire life online, and this has spilled over into our spiritual lives as well.  It's quite fashionable to post your altar pics, spells/workings, tarot spreads and everything else online for everyone to read.

And while I'm okay with anyone who wants to and chooses to do this, what I'm not okay with is any kind of pressure to share things that someone isn't comfortable sharing.  Whether someone is bugging you for details about a spell you cast or asking you to read their cards or wanting to hear about your interactions with any deities or other beings you work with...your path is private!

This means that you get to decide what and how you share anything regarding your path.  If you are out and want to post pictures of everything you do, go for it!  I adore seeing pictures or reading about other people's paths and practices.  It's super inspiring to see how people do stuff, and I've learned a ton from just being exposed to a million ideas that I might have never known about if people hadn't shared what they did.

But I also fully support everyone who chooses to not share specific things...or anything at all.  Some people aren't in a safe place to share stuff (especially in a public forum like social media).  Some parts of our practice are intensely personal and not the kind of thing for public sharing (and some things are so private you may never tell anyone about it, and that's fine too!)  And sometimes, things are just embarrassing, and maybe we don't want the whole world knowing that we spilled candle wax all over our carpet or how spectacularly wrong our prosperity spell went.  

I do want to speak a tiny bit about social perception though.  Sometimes, we may want to share something (like an altar picture or some spellwork we've done), but we stop ourselves because we have seen all the gorgeous pictures or perfect descriptions online and we don't feel worthy.  If the only thing that is holding you back is a feeling of being 'not good enough', then that is an opportunity to do some inner work and to remember that many people only post the absolutely perfect stuff online (and spend hours to set everything up), and we are all walking our own path, and if yours works for you, then it is perfect and if you want to share you should!

But, if you are only sharing something because other people are demanding that you do, and you don't really feel comfortable putting that part of you online, for any reason (even the above mentioned feelings of self-worth...only you know if sharing something will hurt more than it will help), then don't let other people pressure you into doing it!

I'm a pretty open person.  I'm blessed to have supportive family and friends and to be in a position where I'm not overly worried about my personal business effecting my life in a negative way.  And there are still things I don't share.  There are parts of my practice that I consider secret...they are between me and my gods and it's just something I don't talk about.  And honestly, some of the things I don't share are definitely due to self-esteem issues (video is my kryptonite, it has to be very important or the only way to share something for me to put myself on video lol), despite me knowing that no one else will ever judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

One thing to remember is that sharing doesn't have to be complete.  It is perfectly fine to draw your lines wherever you need to.  It's okay to explain the gist of a practice...while leaving out all the specifics which make it personal or private.  It's okay to edit things off your altar (or blur them out of a picture) before you share it.  Kind of like the concept of 'no is a complete sentence' comes the idea that 'private is all I have to say about that'.  You don't need to justify why it's private or explain why you don't want to talk about something...just say it's private.

A final note:  I am talking mostly about private practice.  If you are doing group work or working with a coven, you may be expected to share some things within that group...and likewise expected to keep some information secret within that group.  Make sure you are aware and comfortable with all levels of sharing and secrecy when you join a group...and if you ever get uncomfortable with what you are required to share (or keep secret), that group might not be the best on for you.

We can feel a lot of pressure to share things, either from specific people who are asking very personal questions or just the general culture of posting everything online that makes you feel like you aren't a 'real' whatever because you aren't posting a log of everything you do in your practice.  But setting boundaries on what you share publicly and what you keep private is a very healthy thing to do.  It may take some work to get those boundaries in place, but just remember...your path is private, and you don't owe anyone access to it!

Indoor summer

 Summer is traditionally an outdoor time.  In days past, the heat of summer time made inside quite warm, and it made sense to spend more time outside, enjoying the fresh air and nice weather.  In our modern times, with air conditioning and less natural spaces (for many people living in cities), it can be a struggle to embrace that outdoor energy of summer.

Not only have we made inside more comfortable, but in many ways outside is less accessible for many people.  We have work that needs done, and often isn't compatible with being outside (whether you just have too much stuff to work outside, can't find good outlets/wifi, or there isn't a good place for you to go).  We may live in a place where there aren't good outside spaces, or those spaces are crowded or dirty (with human trash, not actual dirt LOL).

I'm definitely an indoor person.  My personal bane is insects.  I get bit...a lot...and I react poorly to many bites (nothing serious thankfully, I don't need an epi-pen or anything, but I definitely get welts and they bother me for days).  Plus, almost everything I do is on my computer, which is not portable (yep, I'm on a desktop....not something to lug around).

And sometimes that makes it hard to really feel in tune with what is going on outside my windows.  Inside, everything tends to be homogeneous....it's pretty much the same all year round.  Which actually makes it strange to step outside and realize that it's hotter than I thought it would be.

But just because you can't be outside a lot during the summer, doesn't mean you can't embrace that summer energy.  A lot of people decorate their houses for holidays, but adding in some seasonal (as in the seasons) decorations can go a long way to bringing that outdoor energy inside.

One of the simple options is flowers, whether you are going outside and wild gathering whatever is growing nearby, buying flowers from the shop (many grocery stores sell flowers now, so you don't even always have to make a special trip), or if you invest in some nice fake flowers (especially if you suffer from allergies..or have pets that like to eat them, like our kitties).  But those bright pops of color really remind you of the blossoming of nature outside.

Along those same lines, you can also use fresh produce to bring that summertime energy inside.  A lot of produce is in it's prime during the summer, and you can double up on your usage of it by creating a simple display (find a nice bowl or big clear jar to store things in on your table).  Many produce items store best at room temperature, so check to see what you can leave out (it's great for when you buy things that are a little under ripe), and then make it look nice!

Even just trying to work in more fresh and light foods can be a way to absorb the summer energy.  You don't have to eat only salads, but you might find that some sliced veggies or fruit feel more refreshing than cooked (or frozen or fresh), especially if you do have to go outside in the heat at some point.

Of course, you will want to make sure you are drinking plenty of water, and a fun way to spruce up your water is to infuse it with fresh herbs (like mint), or add in some berries or cucumber.  Play around with it, and see what combinations you enjoy!  Even if you are staying indoors, fancying up your water like this makes it feel like a vacation (which many of us associate with summer).

I love window clings as another way to change the energy in your home.  Finding some with bright flowers or butterflies or other summer images can really brighten up your space.  Along those same lines, if you spend a lot of time on your electronic devices (like I do), changing your backdrops (and lock screens) to something bright and summery gives you that little boost every time you look at your device.

Whether or not you spend a lot of time outside in the summer, you can bring that summer energy inside with you.  You may find, as I do, that when you do, you feel more energized and more in tune with the season...even if you rarely go outside.

Attending war victims

 Memorial day is a time to honor those who have fallen in war, but I think that there are many ways to do this, and one is to find a way to help those who were victimized by the war.  Now victims could be people who were directly impacted, people who lost their homes or were injured in a war, but it could also be people who were indirectly impacted, like family members of people who were lost in the war.  War reaches far and wide and when you stop and think about it, there are many people who could be considered war victims.

You might ask how helping victims fits the purpose of the holiday, but I feel like many soldiers fought to help people, whether they believed in the goals of the war or if they were trying to defend their loved ones.  We don't live in a vacuum, and the reasons behind the actions often show us so much.  If the people who fought (and died) did it for other people, it makes sense that finding ways to do things for people who have suffered due to the war would be an homage to the soldiers who lost their lives in the same war.

A very simple way to meld these two concepts together is to ask people to tell you about their loved ones who were lost in war.  Memories help keep people alive, and sharing memories (even with a stranger who didn't know the person involved) helps people feel close to their lost loved one.  Especially if it is an older person, they may feel like they are the only one left who remembers a particular story, or even a person. 

Other little gestures can mean a whole lot as well.  There are many graveyard traditions for different groups, from placing flowers on a grave, to putting coins on the headstone, to leaving trinkets or offering food (or other types of things).  Learning about these traditions gives you new ways to help honor those who have died, but also let the people who remember and love them know that other people are thinking of them too.  Going to the grave of someone you cared about and seeing signs that other people have been there and paid their respects can make them feel a little less alone.

There are also often memorial style services for specific wars and groups of soldiers, and you might feel like this is something you want to help with.  Often these are run by volunteers, and they frequently appreciate any help that is offered.  You can contact the people in charge of running the event and see what they need help with, and what you can give.  If you are busy, this might mean donating supplies or money, but if you don't have any of those to spare, you might offer your time instead.

And sadly there is always conflict going on somewhere in the world, so there are opportunities to help victims of ongoing wars.  Again, there are many ways to help, from finding a charity to contribute to, offering up your time and energy to send care packages or write letters, or (depending on where you live and your means) actively helping to take care of refugees or other survivors.

Even in our own homes, when we set out a memorial for those who lost their lives in conflict, we can also light a candle for those who have lost other things but still remain.  We can think about what those soldiers might have done, had they come home, who they might have embraced and who is crying over their grave.  When we bring comfort to those people, we honor the soldier they cared about.

Memorial day will always be a somber holiday, but by remembering the victims who remain, we can shift a bit of that sadness into a sense of community.  We can keep the soldiers memories alive, especially to the people who knew and loved them.  We can look after the people that those soldiers are no longer able to care for.  And we can create something lovely out of the loss that their deaths created in the world.

Moderation in wild harvesting

 As human beings evolved from being hunter-gatherers to cultivating land and crops, we shifted our mindset when it comes to harvest.  With a planted field, it makes sense to harvest all that is available, especially as we became more specialized as a society and not everyone has a garden, so those who plant crops provide for many people, not just themselves.

But as Pagans, we often go out into nature and wild harvest, gathering plants, nuts fruits (and other bits and bobs) for our practice, and we need to make sure we are being responsible and mindful when we harvest from nature.

On a purely physical level, if we take everything we find, especially if we clear an area out of a particular plant or resource, we deplete the area.  This can not only make it harder for us to find the same things at a later date, but it can deprive the wild critters who live in that area from the things we have harvested as well.

On a spiritual level, we should always seek to give something back when we take, even if that something is a pour of fresh water, an expression of our gratitude and a blessing on the land so that it can provide for us in the future.

But I think it goes deeper than that as well.  When we wild harvest, we aren't devoting our time and energy to growing what we want to harvest, we typically are wandering about, hunting for what we seek.  And spending the time to consider what else may benefit from the things we are harvesting helps us build that connection to both the land and the other beings who dwell there.

Many of the things we wish to gather are plentiful, but when they are not, we need to be extra mindful of what we take.  If it's been a dry year, and the fruits are not in abundance, we may decide it best to take only a few things and to leave the majority for the native residents who might be relying on those foods to survive.

You may find that you also pick which things to harvest differently, in sparse years, depending on what you plan to do with your harvest.  If you are looking for edible things, then of course you want to find ones that are ripe and not damaged, but if you are looking for spell ingredients you might leave some of the best options for others who are searching for food, choosing to take damage or overripe options instead (especially if you are planning on transforming them in some way or if you are making use of the seeds and don't need your harvest to be pristine).

And if you are taking other materials, like stones or wood, it is always good to keep in mind where you are harvesting from.  If I am picking a branch from a tree, I can look for a branch that is growing in a difficult place or that perhaps has taken some damage already.  Don't just think about what you need, but consider what would help the tree (or at least what would cause the least harm).

I should also note that it is best if you do your research for any animal related things.  If you are wanting anything that might be part of an animal's home (like a bird nest or such), you may want to learn how to tell when a nest has been abandoned, so you aren't displacing someone.  Sometimes even spending too much time around an animal's home can disturb them (especially if they have young), so being aware of your environment and trying to disturb the natural world as little as possible is a great goal to keep in mind.

Nature has a lot to offer us, and in most cases more than we would need.  But that doesn't mean we should take it for granted, and we should always strive to work in harmony with the world around us, to share what is available, and to leave the world in a better state than we found it.  This will do so much more for our practice than that extra herb or stone.

Birthgiver does not equal mother

Mother's Day can be a landmine for anyone who has a complicated relationship with their mother (or I should say with the person who birthed them).  Because that's really what this post is about....that just giving birth doesn't make you a Mother.  I feel like we've imbued the word Mother with energies that are earned (and it's really not that hard to earn them...love is they key to it all!).

Speaking as someone who has had a child, and who often didn't feel connected with the role of Mothering, and someone who had a complicated relationship with their own mother (who was a good mother, we just didn't always line up in our understandings when I was little), I have always had a bit of a disconnect with the closeness that is often shown between a mother and child.  

When I was in the middle of raising our son, there were a ton of times where I felt not worthy, where I thought I was being a 'bad mother' or where I just felt completely out of my depth.  I worried all the time that our son would grow up damaged from my own lack.

The thing is, now that I'm beyond the day to day (since son is grown and on his own), I can look at him and be proud, not only of the man he's grown to be, but the influences of myself I see in him.  And I honestly feel that trying to be a better mother is the absolutely most important thing.  

Where I feel the real difference between mother and birthgiver is in your focus.  Mothers (regardless of whether they are birthgivers or not) want the best for their child.  They want to see them grow into the person they are, they want to help them but still challenge them, they want them to become independent, whole people.

Often the people who clamor the loudest about how great of a mother they are aren't focused on their child at all.  They take every opportunity to make their child all about them.  Their child becomes an accessory, something they can show off or use to demonstrate how wonderful they are (or overworked, or patient or whatever they feel they want to be perceived as).  ((I should note, not every person who treats a child in their care this way is the birthgiver, nor the mother, but since this is a Mother's day post, that is where my focus is in this post))

There is a loud group of people who want to equate birthgiver with Mother and demand that everyone (but especially the child) give the birthgiver respect.  Except they aren't really talking about respect (basic or otherwise), they are actually talking about obedience and borderline worship.  Like the child somehow owes their birthgiver everything and should be paying them back with their life.

And there is something very messed up about that attitude.  Even if you have the best mother in the world, and you are very grateful for their role in your life...you don't owe them (and they probably wouldn't want you to think of it as a debt)!  There is a huge difference between gratitude and appreciation and servitude (and there are people who treat their children as slaves).

Now, I want to clarify, that I'm all for chores, for teaching children responsibility (and respect), for showing children how to take care of themselves (and others) as well as their environment.  As a Mother (or Father, or caregiver of any kind), I definitely feel part of your 'job' is to ready the child for life as an adult, and that includes teaching responsibilities.

But there is a huge difference between teaching a child to help around the house with appropriate chores, and requiring them to do all the housework in order to 'earn' basic necessities (like food).  There is a difference between teaching children manners and forcing them to 'respect their elders' (especially when those elders are being skeevy or overbearing).  There is a difference between asking children to help with things they can manage (like taking care of a pet or helping a parent get dinner ready) and expecting them to take care of the parent (because the parent is lazy or demanding, not because there is an actual need).

It's definitely a thing that has a lot of shades of grey and isn't simple, but I feel that it's something that is SO ingrained in us as a society that around this time of year I always want to put these thoughts out there, in case anyone is struggling with their relationships with their birthgiver.  Just giving birth doesn't make you a mother, and you have full rights to cut ties with anyone (including blood relatives) who are toxic in your life...including your birthgiver!

Sex and Ritual

 

A lot has changed in the Pagan community in the years since I first started learning, and one of the big changes is in regards to sex.  Now, sex is a taboo topic for many people, and it's one of those subjects that most people receive very mixed messages about from the media.  We are taught to be both embarrassed by any and all discussions of sex and also it's shoved in our face in tv/movies and advertising.

When I first started learning, there was a lot of sexual concepts that were taught as 'standard', from the Great Rite (both in actual and in symbolic forms) to passing a kiss around the circle, to various forms of sexual magic (both magic done through sex and magic done with the purpose of creating opportunities for sex or otherwise enhancing sexual situations).

While sex in and of itself isn't bad or dirty or something to be avoided, the attitudes towards sex and ritual were less that desirable.  There was always shame put on anyone who wasn't comfortable (for any reason) with sexual content (including nudity at ritual), and sex was something that was 'on the table' for most group work (even if you chose to abstain personally, there might be sex acts going on around you).

Even outside of group situations, a lot of magic (and the process of teaching magic) was done with the bonded pair put forth as the desired working situation.  Where a man and a woman would join in a magical partnership, and sex was often a part of this bonding process.  Sometimes same sex pairings would be 'allowed' but even then, one person was expected to take on the masculine role and one the feminine (based on the idea that it was the joining of these two opposing energies that would create powerful magic).

I'm quite happy with the direction that things have taken in more recent years.  Not only do you rarely hear about things like the Great Rite (which really always sounded to me like an excuse for coven leaders to have sex with multiple partners...which of course it's fine to have multiple partners, but don't use magic as your cover, just be honest about what you want and with whom), but consent has become a much bigger topic of conversation.

Consent is one of those things that definitely needs to be talked about more (in general society), and it amuses me that most often the groups that are seen as somewhat outside the norm (LGBT+, kink, polyamory) often have a way better understanding of what consent actually means.  Consent doesn't just mean getting the other person to say yes, it means that they actually want to say yes, that they want to say yes throughout the whole encounter, and that they feel no pressure or shame if they were to say no.

So what does this mean for sex and ritual?  It means, that if you are planning on doing anything sexual, that you need to have proper consent from everyone involved...and that means everyone involved needs to understand exactly what is going on.  It means that if someone isn't interested in doing this kind of work, that they aren't shamed or otherwise treated poorly for sitting out a ritual (nor are they pressured in any way to participate).  This also means that you can't use "but sex is part of this ritual" as an excuse to be unfaithful to your regular partner (in a relationship that wouldn't normally allow you to have other partners).

And even if you aren't part of a group, there should never be any pressure to do any kind of sexual act as a part of your path if you aren't fully comfortable with it.  Now, this can be a bit tricky, especially when it comes to trauma and someone trying to do shadow work on their own sexual issues.  But I think the key here is to remember that YOU should always be in the drivers seat.  You are the one who decides when you are ready to work on the uncomfortable stuff, you decide what is too much, and no one should ever make you feel less than for what you do (or do not do).

Sex can be a powerful act that can be used magically for a variety of purposes.  You can also have powerful magic and a full and complete practice without including sex in your workings at all.  There is room enough in this world for everyone to have the kind of practice they desire, and sex is just one more variable that we can explore (or not).  And remember, "no" is a complete sentence, and you don't owe anyone any justification on why you may not want to do something.  No is enough.