Non-localized spirits

We tend to fall into a trap, when thinking about spirits (both ghosts and other types of spirits).  We think of them as if they were people, bound by the same limitations that they were in life....most specifically that of location.  While it is true, that many people will call on deities or ancestors who originated in other areas, we still tend to think of things like hauntings as being people who died nearby (or at a location).  Even when it comes to calling up spirits to aid us, we normally either think of them in terms of 'local spirits' or that somehow the spirits answer us from wherever they are...but do we consider where they actually reside?

I think it's something that we do out of convenience.  We want to believe that we can ask for any spirit we want, and that it doesn't matter if they aren't local.  We think that if we call them we answer.  And yet, at the same time, when it's something bad, it's trapped to a location.  If someone died horribly in a house, they can't leave.  If someone did horrible things, they are somehow locked to the scene of their crime.

I think we create these arbitrary rules because we don't want to really sit and think about how the spirit world might work.  We want to feel like we are safe if we leave a creepy location, and we want to believe we have access to the whole spirit world.  We want to be the masters of the world around us, and we don't like thinking that we might not have as much control as we believe we have.

It also reminds me of one of my big gripes about ancestor work:  the idea that our ancestors just kind of hang around us, always ready in case we want to talk to them or ask them a favor.  Some people treat deities this way as well.  

I honestly feel like time and space don't operate the same for spirits as it does for us.  I tend to think of them as outside of time or space, and thus also able to be anywhere or anywhen.  But that doesn't mean that we can take them for granted.  I also don't think they are in any way locked to their location of origin (or death, or the places they frequented in life).  And, to complicate things even further, I don't think that all spirits are the same.

Let me explain.  We'll start with spirits of the dead, what many people consider to be ghosts.  I have my own thoughts about what happens to us after we die (the short version is...whatever you think will happen to you does), which means that functionally I don't think everyone will stick around as a ghost.  But most ancestor worship is based on the idea that we can call upon any ancestor we wish, any person who has ever lived on this earth, is there for us to reach out to.

That just doesn't make any sense to me.  Firstly, I don't think that the afterlife is just a big waiting room with all the dead sitting around watching what us living folks are doing.  Also, this belief kind of excludes a lot of afterlife beliefs.  If I go to heaven or hell....am I really going to just be able to pop out and help answer my decedents questions about which person they truly love?  If I am reincarnated, do I just zone out of my current life whenever someone is trying to talk to my spirit?  If I 'become one with the universe' how do I separate myself enough to show up at a Samhain ritual?

I think that many things can happen to us when we cross over (to where ever we cross over to).  I do think that some people stick around, in a pretty coherent form.  These are the active ghosts, the ones who tend to effect the world around them.  But I also think we sometimes leave echos, these aren't full fledged ghosts, but just bits of ourselves.  It might be a cold spot or a stain that won't go away, but it's not a complete personality, just one bit that lingers.  I also think that sometimes what we see as spirits are reflections...they are the bits of those who have gone before that are a part of us, so when we reach out to them, we are interacting with the part of them that became a part of us.

 

Now, some of these spirits will be more location tied.  Echos are often stuck in one place, because they aren't complete.  They are linked to one specific point in the life once lived.  They might go away if that place is changed enough.  But others are truly free from the limitations of the living.  They are energy beings, and as such, they can be where (and when) they want to be.  If they are here speaking with me at the moment, and you call on them from across the globe, they can be there with you as well.

 

For reflections, well they are where we are, because we carry them inside us.  And I think we can reflect spirits that aren't directly connected to us, because when we learn about someone, we create a connection with them.  We can reflect spirits that we might not be directly descended from, simply by being aware of their existence.  

 

Here's where I think it gets even more tricky.  When we reflect or carry spirits with us, they can also become aware of the world around us...remember reflections go both ways!  If we consider how our ancestors migrated, and how they took their memories with them, they brought with them their beliefs in the spirits of the land and the world around them, they brought with them the gods they worshiped....it only makes sense that some of those spirits would take root in the new lands they found themselves in.

 

I don't feel that spirits or energy beings are locked, either in place or in evolution (as in they can never grow and evolve....I don't think they are flies trapped in amber).  As we have spread out and mingled with each other, I think the spirits we work with have as well.  I don't think that my land (here in North America) is only populated with spirits that originated here.  

Now, many spirits have preferred habitats.  Some may like woods and some might like streams.  Some might like a particular plant or stone, while others may want to be in a specific room in our house.  If those things don't exist in a new place, they might change their likes.  And just like someone who is forced into a new situation, sometimes they look for the closest thing to what they used to have, and sometimes they see something brand new and fall in love with it.  I think that spirits that have moved over time can evolve in surprising ways, just like people do.

I think we owe it to ourselves, and to the spirits we work with, to stop thinking of them as both unchangeable and locked into their 'place of origin', and also somehow limited by the same limitations we face as human beings.  We need to really look and listen and see what they are telling us.  We need to be open to the changes they may have gone through, so that we can work with them as they are and not as we expect them to be.  And we need to respect them, and not treat them as if they are only hanging around to serve (or scare) us.

Recent dead

 As we turn towards Samhain, our thoughts turn towards our ancestors and our beloved dead.  It is a time to reconnect, and to work with those who have passed over, to honor them and the role they played in our life while they lived, but also the lingering influence they have now that they are gone.  And while we often honor both the long-dead and the recent-dead, it can be hard to process our emotions with the recent dead, especially those who we were very close to.

I think that navigating the transition from "this is how we related while you were alive" to "this is how we relate now that you are not," can be tricky, and the more recent the crossing, the harder it is to separate the two relationships, but very few people have the same relationship with someone they knew after they pass over.  And that only makes sense, because death is a huge transition....it is one of the biggest changes we go through, and the one that we struggle the most with.

As a living person, there is too much unknown, and we don't know how to handle not knowing.  No matter how much we may feel we understand about what happens on the other side, we don't have any personal experience with it, and so it remains in that nebulous state of uncertainty.  Having someone we care about being in that place can be highly unsettling.  

This is a very different feeling from working with someone who died a long time ago, even if we knew them in life.  We have had time to settle into the new relationship, and we don't have so many fresh memories of them in a different state from where they are now.  It's even easier to work with dead who we never knew, because we have only ever interacted with them as they are.

And, of course, this year we have a new situation, where there are many more recently dead than we are used to, connected in their source of death across the globe and for almost the entirety of this year.  My local group honors those who have crossed over in the past year as part of our Day of the Dead ceremonies (which we will not be doing in person this year, because of the state of things), and if there was a tragedy or other significant instance of group death, we recognize it.

But this year, we are in the unique position of not only having this massive group death connection, but we add in that it is still ongoing.  We aren't out of the woods yet, and may not have even reached the height of it.  This puts a very different outlook on recognizing these specific recent dead, because there is a much bigger threat of it continuing to claim people we care about.

This time of year is always poignant for many of us, but I think this year it will hit even harder.  We are locked in a time of fear and loss and sorrow, and we mourn for more than just the countless people who have passed over this year.  So much has changed, and I think we need to recognize that, as well as taking time to honor the lives lost.

Because this year is so different, on so many levels, I think we need to honor that fact when we honor our dead.  We need to take extra time and care, with ourselves, as we approach this Sabbat, to make sure we are tending our own self-care needs.  We need to be extra kind to the people around us, especially those who are in precarious situations or who have lost loved ones.

And we may find ourselves called to help the newly dead.  I think that anytime a big tragedy strikes, there is a greater need for helpers, both for the living and the dead.  There is so much disinformation about what is actually going on, and so much fear and separation as the end nears, that the passing for many people is not what they may have planned on.

Many people are not able to be with their loved ones in their final moments.  They aren't able to have the religious rituals they prefer, or have the type of passing they may have planned for.  This is very stressful for both the living and those who are passing.  It effects how we handle the transition, from both sides.

This might be a year where you are called to spend more time working with the recent dead.  You may find yourself helping those who have passed who are lost or confused, or angry, at how things unfolded.  You may be helping console the living, who have lost people, or who are struggling with their own fears about death and what may still be coming. 

And as dark as it may feel, this is the time to really tend to these parts of the cycle.  It is the time to sit with our feelings and to work through the issues that come up.  Know that it might take more time this year, it may bring up more reactions, things you didn't even realize were lurking below the surface.  But by taking care in exploring what is there, we can help everyone to adjust and be where they need to be...wherever that is.

Celebrating Darkness

 

For a great many Pagans and Witches, darkness is a part of our path.  We work with our shadows instead of running from them.  We understand that both dark and light are a part of the world, and that each is necessary in it's own way.

But I think that we often try to translate darkness into something that is actually light.  We talk about shadow work, but what many people are doing is actually trying to find the light source behind the shadows.  If we are working with our rage, we aren't trying to actually tap into the rage, but rather to temper it...to harness it to our needs.  I think that something both primal and powerful is lost when we try to overcome every dark impulse and tame that wildness inside of us.

Of course, this doesn't mean you can't work to improve yourself.  It is possible to get swallowed up and consumed by the dark (or the light...), and that isn't a desirable thing.  If we look to nature, night time is followed by the day, and then returns to night.  Each thing has it's time, and it doesn't seek to take over.  Instead, when something's time has come to a close, it recedes and allows another thing to take precedence, knowing that things will cycle back around again.

I think that looking at our darkness in this way helps us to embrace what it has to offer, without trying to put a muzzle on it.  Take rage as an example again.  We don't want to live our lives in a perpetual state of rage.  That would definitely be counter-productive.  However, when we find ourselves in an extreme situation, we need that extreme reaction.  If we are fighting for our life, rage will fuel us in a way that nothing else will.  It will keep us distant from our pain, from reason and from any number of other things that would weaken our arm and our focus.  Rage narrows our vision until we can only see what our goal is and where we aren't thinking about how much it will cost us to reach it.

Rage, like many of our darker parts, isn't something that works in every situation.  In fact, it is quite detrimental for most circumstances.  And just as the night must give way to day, when we call on our rage, we need to be ready to let it subside, once it has done it's work.  Part of accepting and embracing our darkness is also knowing that there will be a cost to pay, and being willing to pay it.  We call on rage with the full knowledge that we will have to clean up after it, but we also call on it because we know that we may not make it to the other side without it.

And I think that is where the celebration comes in.  By fully accepting both the good and the bad of our shadows, we can embrace them in their entirety.  It's like loving a person...you can't truly love them if you don't acknowledge and accept their flaws as well as their strengths.  You have to be willing to give and not just take.  Our shadows are always going to have an edge to them, and if we blunt that edge, they become less powerful, less able to actually help us when we need them.

One more thing to think about, when contemplating the darkness in your self and your life.  Many people want to be the candle that lights the dark, and there can be great value in keeping that light lit when things seem most grim.  But we also must remember that it is often darkest before the dawn, and sometimes when we are surrounded by darkness, we need to lean into it, instead of trying to banish it.  Lighting a match in the pitch darkness can actually cause more harm than help sometimes.  The light is tiny and fleeting, but it blinds us in the moment.  It distracts us from what our other senses are telling us, and it tricks us into thinking that we are safe and secure.  

A lot of people will try to say that you must 'be better than your opponent,' and when they fight dirty you must keep your honor and act in lawful and honest ways.  And often this is great advice, but there reaches a point where keeping your nose clean simply means you are letting them walk all over you.  We must each learn to judge when it is time to call on our darkness, when we must embrace those untamed parts of ourselves, and when we must fight fire with fire.

Learning to accept and celebrate your darkness means fully coming to terms with both edges of that sword.  It is stepping into that unknown but being willing to pay whatever price is asked of you.  It is letting go of your control and allowing those parts of yourself that don't listen to reason to be in charge for a bit.  And it is remembering that both the dark and light are a part of you, and both deserve to be honored.

The two sides of a mask

 Masks are a part of many magical practices, especially at this time of the year.  We often talk about masks as taking on another face, stepping into another role, projecting a different part of ourselves, and all of those are variations on using the mask to hide what is underneath.  We take an image of what we want to be seen and use that to cover up what we want to hide.

But this year, the necessity of mask wearing has shown us the flip side to wearing a mask...and that is protecting those around you from what's behind the mask.  Of course we can look at this from a medical and scientific viewpoint, and the mask (when worn correctly) will keep our own germs from spreading to others, but we can also look at the other ways we wear masks and how we do it to protect those around us.

Our society pretends to value truth, but we often punish people for sharing it.  And there are private, personal things that don't need to be out there for everyone to see.  Sometimes, we put on masks to spare the people around us from seeing all of our internal struggles.

Think about the fairly benign question of, "How are you?"  Now, this is such a simple question, but it's also a loaded question.  Most of us have been conditioned to answer automatically, we say we're fine, no matter how we are feeling.  But this can end up being like a poison, a wound that never sees fresh air and begins to fester.  Sometimes we need to share our pain, so that it can be acknowledged and treated.

Like many things, there is a time and place for this.  We don't dump our deepest hurts on the stranger we pass on the street, even when they ask how we are doing, because it's not appropriate.  And likewise, sometimes we can feel that a good friend who is asking may not be able to handle what we have to say.  It might be something that they are still struggling with themselves, or it may be that they are simply close to being overwhelmed.  We mask away our problems until we find someone who is in a place to be able to help us.

In a similar vein, we often mask certain things away from children.  When we are younger, we aren't as capable of understanding the deeper complexities of a situation.  They latch onto the basic concept that something is wrong and that it is bad.  They don't always understand that things will get better or that maybe work has to be done to change things.  All they see is that things are either good or bad.  And so we put on a mask, we put on a happy face, and we keep some of the struggles from them, so they don't get overwhelmed by their fears or sadness.

And sometimes we find we have to put on our masks and keep our true feelings hidden, because we value maintaining professional or social relationships.  These kinds of things are always a balance between being true to yourself and not provoking people you might need to be around.  If you think about a professional situation, you won't always be best friends with the people you have to work with.  But, just because you don't care for someone on a personal level, doesn't mean you can't work side by side with them.  They might have small habits or preferences that rub you the wrong way, but you know that if you bring them up, it will disturb your dynamic.

Especially when the person is in a position of power over you, keeping your mask on, hiding your true thoughts, can be the best way to survive the situation.  We often think of this as a little white lie, of obscuring the truth.  We are hiding, but we are hiding to maintain the peace instead of creating more drama.

The great thing about thinking of our masks in this way is that we always have the option of removing the mask.  Even though we might be okay overlooking small things, if someone starts pushing or trying to abuse the situation, we aren't powerless.  We can remove the mask and let them see who they are truly dealing with.

Whether we are using a mask to strengthen ourselves or protect others, putting on a mask lets us control how our interactions go.  We can decide what masks we want to wear and for what reasons.  And when it is safe, or when we decide it's necessary...we can remove them.

Reflection over time

 When powerful things happen in our lives, we may have trouble processing them immediately.  We often turn to journaling or other inner work to sort out how we fall and how to respond.  It can be especially challenging when something is ongoing, or so big that we can't take it all in at once.

I feel like we are at a place in time where there is just too much going on.  Some things are lingering, while other things are popping up and just adding to the whole situation.  We have both internal and external factors we have to consider.  And even if we sit down and spend some time to work through what's going on, in a short while more things will add in and it feels like we just can't get a grasp again.

Inner work isn't always a one and one.  Sometimes, we need to come back to something and work on it over and over.  This isn't a bad thing!  Just because you have worked on something in the past doesn't mean it will stop effecting you.  Revisiting your reflections gives you a little space, some distance between you and the issue you are reflecting on.  And sometimes you have to let those thoughts and reactions sit, in order to really understand what's going on.

I often find that, when something is really big, I have to get my emotions out of the way before I can even think about actually thinking about the issue itself.  If I journal things out in the moment, I'll get those emotions out on the page.  Putting them on the page makes me feel like I have expressed myself, which allows me to let go of them....at least a little bit.  But it doesn't mean that I have actually peeked at the things behind those emotions.

 

When I go back, I can read what I wrote and actually start thinking about what it means and why I wrote it.  I start to peel back the layers, and see what's underneath.  But this is often a process, a cycle of reflecting to old reflections, letting them sit, and then coming back and doing it all over again.

 

But like the wheel of the year, the cycle of reflection is not a circle, it's a spiral.  You keep coming back around, but each time you are building on what you did before, so you are at a new beginning.  You have those previous cycles to look back on, to draw insight and meaning from.

 

And here's where it gets really interesting.  A lot of times, we can't see certain things until we recognize the patterns that are going on.  We have to see things come up time and time again so we can start to link them together and notice what the common threads are.  An incident on it's own may not mean anything, but when we notice we have the same reaction to three or four different circumstances, we can start to see what is the same...and what is different.  Perhaps we were able to handle the situation better once time than the others.  When we go back and look at all the cycles, we can see what was different about that one time.   

With ongoing situations, we also start to see the effects of longevity.  Something that might be exciting when it happens once, starts to become repetitive after a month, and something we come to dread after six months.  And we may catch ourselves thinking back and wondering when things changed.  Even if we didn't delve into how things were effecting us along the way, it is never to late to look back and start unraveling how our relationship with events has changed.

Now, more than ever, I think it's important to regularly take time to stop and reflect on how different areas of our lives are doing.  It is really easy for things to slide into dark places, often without us really being aware of how they have shifted.  But if we stop, check in, and really take the time to evaluate how our life is, we can correct issues before they become too big and need to be broken down.

This is one thing that I have learned from working with goal-oriented planners.  They often have pages for reflection at the end of the month or quarter.  The nice thing about these pages is that they have specific questions for you to answer, so it's not just a blank page staring at you.  Of course, there are many different reflection prompts you can find online (or you can create your own!) that help you tune into different aspects of your life and see how you are doing.

Finding the right frequency for regular reflection is another thing to consider.  I've found that weekly is almost too frequent for me.  Monthly feels like a good amount of time, as quarterly is a bit long.  In the coming year, as I am going back to a personal bullet journal inspired system, I may go with Sabbat reflections, or I may tie them into the moon cycle (or I may do both, using the moon cycle for my daily life and the Sabbat cycle for the big spiritual growth reflections).

But no matter how often works for you, or what style of check-in you do, cyclical reflections can help us gain the needed perspective to start to see the patterns and catch problems before they become huge issues.  We can learn our own warning signs, and start to find ways to self-correct before we are drowning.  And we can better understand our place in the world around us, no matter what is going on.

Fate or Fix?

When it comes to magic and ethics, there is a big debate on what we have a right to do, as witches and Pagans.  Do we have the right to use magic that will effect people without their permission?  Do we have a right to try to effect the world in general, things like climate or weather?  Are things that are happening happening for a reason?

I definitely feel that modern practitioners have more worries about these kind of things than our ancestors would have.  Which is sort of amusing to me, as we are less likely to think that certain events (like a big storm, or an animal stampede) are directly caused by the gods and more likely to look for scientific or natural explanations.  Even when we work with nature deities, we don't tend to think in terms of "Gaia made the snowstorm happen, it must be her will!"  And yet, our ancestors definitely worked magic to fight back against the things that they felt the gods were inflicting on them.

Regular and rituals might be made to appease the gods and keep things flowing normally, but when things got out of wack, that meant it was time to work more, not work less.  I feel like we've lost a bit of this, caught up in our thoughts on whether or not we 'should' be influencing things.

 

Now, my personal opinion is pretty much always, "Yes, we should work towards what we want."  And this includes when our work directly pushes back against other people (and their free will).  Because I believe we all have the right to work for what we want and believe in.  And I fully support the right of people who believe in the exact opposite to work for what they believe in.

 

In fact, that is part of what I think the problem is.  The less than ethical people in the world will use everything in their power to make sure that what they want to happen...happens.  That includes very shady if not down right wrong actions.  They will lie, cheat, steal, bribe, and yes, even kill to get their way.  If we decide that pushing back is somehow infringing on their freedoms and rights, then we are giving away our power.

 

Now, I am not suggesting we start going out and doing the same kinds of things they are...because of course if you fight evil with evil...well then everyone's evil.  We all have to decide what we are and are not willing to do for what we believe in.

But there are many ways to approach a problem, and with a bit of creativity you can use beneficial means to handle less than savory people.  The wonderful thing is that there is a wide variety of practitioners out there, and so we can all do what we feel comfortable with and that creates a very big push against the things in this world that we find unbearable.  Whether that means a curse, a binding or a blessing, it is all work being done to correct a bad situation.

And I know that the question that is often asked is, "What gives ME the right to pass judgement on other people?"  But that is something we do, all day long, every day.  If someone cuts me off on the road, I judge them.  If I see someone stealing at the grocery store, I judge them.  If I see someone punching another person, I judge them.  In all of those situations, I might also take action against them.  Whether it is just honking my horn or actually wading into a fist fight, I have decided that I want the other person to know that I don't agree with what they are doing.

I don't think we can continue to sit idly by.  I think we are waking up to the notion that the evils of the world are going to continue unless we start fighting back.  I think that we have come to the slow, creeping realization that we have watched things get bad for a while, that we have 'minded our own business' and now the people in power have amassed SO much power it is going to be a fight to get things back to acceptable.

And we are seeing examples in the physical world of this very exact thing.  People have been keeping their eyes down and ignoring the small signs and slights for ages.  They have been repeating the mantra of "it's not happening to me, I need to mind my own business," and they have been turning a deaf ear to the cries of the victims.  But they are starting to find those cries deafening, and realizing that it is their business and it does effect them.  And even if it doesn't effect them directly, it hurts the people around them, and that hurts them indirectly.

I don't believe in fate or that we should simply accept what is thrown our way.  I believe we are given tools and our free will so that we can fight for what is important to us.  So that we can fight for what we believe in.  And I think that we need to wake up and realize that we can't wait for the fight to reach us...we need to look for all the small ways that our enemies are getting those little toe holds and roots sunk into the ground.  Because if we wait, they will have built this foundation that we will then have to breach.  We need to stop letting the little things slide, because that is how avalanches start, and it is much easier to stop a small pebble from rolling down a hill than it is to survive a ton of falling rocks.

Adjusting balance

 Balance is one of those concepts that many people strive for, like peace and happiness.  But it's not a clearly defined thing, and can be a struggle to achieve.  We may have this romantic image of a 'balanced' life, as a tightrope walker poised in stillness on their rope, or a plate divided into equal sections.  But balance is a fluid thing, and it is ever-changing.  If you watch someone walking a rope, they aren't ever really still, the robe is constantly shifting, and they are making tiny corrections to stay balanced.  And if we try to give all things equal time or attention, we don't end up balanced, because different activities have different needs.

I've actually found myself using the world balanced less, in favor of 'harmony'.  I think both seek to capture a similar state of being, where all the parts of your life are working together, and each individual one is as optimized as possible.  But where balance implies that sense of equality and stillness, harmony speaks to me more of entwining and music, of a shifting dance that becomes something beautiful, but only if each piece is giving the correct focus at the right time.

With the Autumn Equinox just around the corner, many people are thinking about balance.  In particular, we talk about this time of equal day and night, and of the tipping point between the light half of the year and the dark half.  But really, the light and dark aren't out of balance the rest of the year, they are just weighted differently.  In the summer, we embrace the long days, but we often crave that darkness and coolness that comes with dusk, just as we reach towards the light during the darker parts of the year.

If we think about the areas of our life, we often talk about finding a balance....between home and work, between solitary time and time with others, between work and play.  There are so many things to keep balanced, it can be quite the juggling act to keep up.

And that is a wonderful image to consider, because juggling is all about adjusting and adapting...and keeping all the balls under control.  I was going to say moving, but there are lots of fancy juggling tricks where, at one point or another, one of the the things being juggled is taken out of the rotation for a bit.  The sword is held in the teeth for a few rounds, and then swept back into the mix.  Or one apple is thrown a lot higher, so all the rest get cycled through before that one comes back.  And talented jugglers can manage to juggle objects that are dissimilar, instead of three beanbags, they juggle an apple, a sword and a beanbag....and that means they have to adjust to the shape and weight of each individual object.  

But what really makes this analogy shine is the fact that even when doing simple juggling, it's not just a matter of tossing some balls in the air and catching them.  Each time you touch a ball, you have to feel how it is doing, and make sure you send it on the right path.  Each time around is different from every other time, and it's all about the adjustments.

We want to be able to just make out a plan and 'balance' everything.  We want that platter with a nice little section for every part of our life, each thing staying to it's own partition, and the perfect space for them all.  We want to be able to lay everything out and then be done, to 'be' balanced.

But life isn't simple and tidy, and it is constantly throwing us curve balls.  So many people are facing this issue of balance right now, because the life that they had created, the one that was working, has been shoved all out of wack.  They don't have clear lines between work and home, they may be having to spend more time helping their kids figure out their own balance (between school and play), they may be struggling to find that alone time they need to counter all the enforced together time.

The lovely thing about looking for harmony is you can accept that some notes are stronger than others....but all notes need a break or breather.  When you look at your life, don't just look at where different parts of your day need to be focused on, but actively search out those down times.  The pauses often make the music, and the rest time in your day makes everything else flow.

Sometimes it's as simple as setting (and sticking to...) start and stop times.  It is really easy for work to bleed over onto every waking moment if you let it....or for play to never end.  But if you make a point to only work until dinner time, or to play from breakfast to lunch, that helps you create those limits and allow for other things to have their time.

Also, having those boundaries set up means that when something comes along to challenge them, you are more capable at handling it, because you have experience navigating those waters.  If you don't work after dinner, but you have a non-negotiable online meeting at 10pm, then you can make and adjustment.  Perhaps that day, to compensate for the after dinner work time, you take the afternoon off.  Or if your child is having a particularly rough day, struggling with a subject in school time, you may encourage them to take an early break.  Perhaps you can have a snack and play a short game together.  This breaks the negative thought cycle, gets their mind refreshed and lets emotions settle.  Even if they spend a bit longer later on finishing up the lesson, it's less stressful than trying to push through and keep to the schedule.

Having flexibility is integral to finding your personal balance, the harmony of your life that lets all things have their own time and place.  It gives you the strength to build healthy boundaries, stick to them when necessary but also to shift them as required.  And that is a much stronger 'balance' than trying to shove everything into an 'equal' partition and pushing for that unachievable stillness.