What drives your faith?

 There are many reasons why people have faith, and often it is a search for something bigger than themselves.  We look at the world around us and we just know that there is more than we can see.  And we want to understand, so we seek for that which can't be proven, only felt.

The thing about faith is that it asks us to be better, and being better is hard.  So we find motivation to do the things we feel we should be doing, and that motivation can be rooted in love...or in fear.  Faith rooted in love wants you to become the best person you can be, but it also wants other people to be the best they can be.  Faith rooted in fear tells you that if you don't behave properly, bad things will happen to you (either in this life or beyond).

Now, on the surface, this seems like a trivial issue.  Whether your actions are based in love or fear, it is your actions that matter, right?  But when we poke a bit deeper, we realize that love based actions are inclusive.  We want better for ourselves, but we also want better for everyone else.  There is no need to point fingers or turn away from people who are different from us.  The focus is on improving and becoming the best person you can be (and doing your part to make the whole world the best that it can be).

With fear based faith, the tendency is to only work hard enough to not get in trouble.  It also creates barriers between the 'good' people and the 'bad' ones.  Because some behaviors are sins and considered inherently evil, the people who do them are also linked to evil.  And treating someone as if they are evil, just because they do a thing you don't approve of (especially something that might only be considered a sin in your religion...and not in the general world view) doesn't encourage people to grow and be better, it simply makes them feel like they are flawed or otherwise less than.

But a fear based faith also encourages the mindset of 'it's okay if I don't get caught', because it's not about wanting to be better, it's just about not wanting to be punished.  This is why so many 'religious' people struggle with the concept of morality outside of their church.  It's why we hear things like, "If you don't have religion to tell you that killing is wrong, then people won't have a reason to not kill."  Which is a whole scary landmine of an attitude, if you ask me.

I also find that most people who have faith based in fear have a very cookie cutter approach to what 'good' means.  There are specific things you can (and can not) do, and there is no wiggle room.  Faith based in love tends to be more open to individuality.  It doesn't look at an action and judge it right or wrong in isolation, but it looks at the whole situation, it looks at the people involved and asks what is right for these people, in this moment.

Here's the twist:  faith based on fear is easier.  It's relatively simple and very clear cut.  Here is the list of things you Must Not Do!  There may be some things that you should do, but fear based faith is much more heavily weighted towards the do-nots.  And because it's a list of things, it's very clear cut, so there is no need to think or debate the morality of the thing.  Your faith tells you it's either good or bad, no exceptions.

Love based faith requires a lot of work.  You have to be really honest with yourself about where you are at.  You have to explore those icky feelings that you know aren't right (but you still feel them anyways).  You have to push yourself to find the bits of yourself that you don't care for...and work on them.  You have to think about situations, with all their nuance and complexity, and determine for yourself, what the best way forward is.

You also have to be really willing to accept other people for who they are.  Not who you want them to be, or who you think they should be...but who they are.  You meet people where they are, and you work with them, on the things that they are struggling with.  You let them be the master of their own ship and guide they way...you aren't there to take over, just to support.  And that is a lot harder than just telling them what they 'should' be doing and then judging them for their failings.

I want to point out here, that people can approach the same faith or religion from their own fear or love based perspective.  There are Christians who approach their faith from a love based perspective...and Pagans who are fear based.  This is about you...and how you interpret the faith you believe in.

It's also not necessarily a black and white thing.  You may be love based in some aspects of your faith and fear based in others (the afterlife is quite often a fear based belief).  There may be very specific parts of your faith that are rooted in fear.  Or maybe you grew up with fear based faith, but it is starting to unfold in a way that is now rooted in love.

Wherever you are in your faith journey, I encourage everyone to take a good look in your heart.  Think about why you do things, especially things related to your faith.  What motivates you?  Where are you acting out of fear, and where are you embracing the love?  Where can you turn fear based actions into love based ones?  The more we can open our hearts and work on improving everyone, the better the world (and thus all of us, individually), will be.

Embrace nostalgia

 Holidays can be a time fraught with all kinds of emotions, especially holidays like Thanksgiving that have a decidedly checkered past.  But they can also hold a lot of nostalgia and fond childhood memories, and we often try to capture those emotions in our adult life.

 

Whether you have happy memories of a holiday or are simply feeling wistful for that 'family holiday' that other people's families seemed to have,  you can seek out those emotions of family and celebration.  We can take the holiday as a time to put aside our troubles and woes of the day and just allow ourselves to enjoy the simple happiness of honoring an idea together.

And I know there is a lot of misinformation around some holidays.  They don't always represent the truth of what happened.  And we absolutely should recognize this fact and work to educate ourselves on what actually happened.

But I truly feel that the heart of a holiday isn't as simple as the stories we tell ourselves.  Especially when we have all these other emotions tied up into it.  Holidays often represent the idea behind them more than the history, and for one like Thanksgiving, we can turn to the story for the idea (that we should be thankful for our bounty and we should share what we have with people who don't have the same blessings).

The thing is...life is complicated.  So rarely is anything in life cut and dry, this or that...good or evil.  Things are tricky and one holiday may have a whole bundle of emotions rolled up into it.  We may remember some good years, and some bad years.  We might have family fights to block out or that one year when we were completely alone, or maybe we lost someone around the holiday and now it makes us a little sad.

I feel like holidays are one of those times where we can hold space for the rough stuff, but focus on the good.  We can recognize not only the issues there are with the first Thanksgiving story, acknowledge family drama, care for any trauma we might have around this time...and still enjoy a meal with friends and family, taking some time to think about all in our lives that we are grateful for.

I honestly think that holidays and celebrations throughout the year are vital to our mental and spiritual well-being.  We need these happy sparkling moments to make up for the drudgery of everyday life.  Holidays are often like rituals, they are time out of time.  

 

They are days that we set outside of our normal life. We put on nice (or extra comfy!) clothes, we gather with people we care about, and we eat good food and seek good times.  And that reset is necessary!  It gives us something to look forward to, a little goal or reward for doing all the stuff we do every day.

If you do anything long enough, you will end up with good and bad memories.  Good results can come from something that has a bad start.  But we can always choose which parts to focus on, and how we want to approach something.

And while I don't think it's healthy to always focus on the past, I do think that it is important to have touchstones to our past, and holidays do this in a couple of ways.  Firstly, they have roots, the first instance or the reason why we celebrate.  And we also have all the memories of every time we have celebrated before.  These all become beads on a string that represent the holiday.  

 

Every year, we have the chance to pull out our beads and hold them in our hands.  We can remember all the past years and reflect on how we have grown.  We can remember people who are no longer with us, and all the good times we had together.  We can embrace the nostalgia that comes up, and use it to temper any less pleasant memories that exist.

 

 It's important to not forget, and it's important to not let bad memories rob us of the good ones.  Take the time you need to sit with what comes up, but then allow nostalgia to coat you in feelings of warmth and safety.  It's okay to enjoy things, even if they have troubled pasts.

Veterans aren't disposable

 I feel like we have always known that we depend on the warriors in our society to protect us, to do the things necessary so that we can live out our lives in relative normalcy.  But I think we have started to treat soldiers as disposable commodity, something we can use and just toss away and get new ones, and the fact that these are people is just tragic.

We like to think we are civilized people, and yet we focus so much of our power on having the best military force...instead of turning our attention toward actually building a world where people can work together, for the good of all, and creating the structure to support that vision.  

The 'life cycle' if you will of a soldier starts with finding a young person at the peak of their physical shape.  We then train them to be skilled at the things we need them to do.  That becomes a slope, as they become more qualified, they also age and become less physically viable.  This often pushes them towards more strategic or advisory capacities, and we bring in new, young people to take their places.

And while we can debate all day whether this is a necessary cycle (or how much we should be scaling this cycle up or down), when a soldier becomes unable to fight, we do not treat them with the respect that they deserve.

Too often, our wounded soldiers don't get the care they need, and instead they are lost in the system.  The transition from active duty to civilian life can be rough, and we don't offer the services to help them make this transition well.  Both on the physical side and the mental/emotional side, we just stop giving them priority when they are out of active service.

This is one place where I feel very strongly.  I have military on both sides of my family, and my husband's family...and my son.  I grew up with a lot of pride for the soldiers in my family, and I know how lucky I am that the people I care about came home.  I also know not everyone is that lucky.

And it breaks my heart to think of soldiers coming home and being forgotten.  Not just by the government, and society, but also by families.  This is something that needs to be worked on from all sides.  We need more support for our returning soldiers, and that includes family counseling, to help family members understand and cope with any changes that their loved ones might have gone through.

We should know better.  We shouldn't be thinking of soldiers as assets and veterans as something to be tossed aside when their 'usefulness' has diminished.  If we, as a society, are allowing people to devolve because we don't see how they can be used...we need to seriously rethink our definition of civilized.  Because we are all human beings and we deserve to be able to live, to have a roof over our head and food in our bellies and to be treated as a person.  If we can't agree on that basic fact, then how are we better than animals (many of whom care for the whole community...)

We have systems in place to protect and provide for our politicians, and yet our soldiers give up so much more (and yes, even those who don't see combat have to sacrifice more of their life than a politician does...for MUCH less reward).  And we are told that there are resources for our soldiers, but obviously something is broken in the system.

We need to return to basic human decency.  We need to start treating people like people, not like cogs in a machine, assets to be used or resources to be spent.  We need to care for our vulnerable.  And we need to look out for our soldiers, the way that they looked out for us.  How can we expect anyone to step up and make those sacrifices knowing we will abandon them when their usefulness has run dry.

Time is fake

 Whenever Daylight Savings time ticks around, I'm always semi-stressed about forgetting it or getting times wrong and ending up being late for something.  In general, I'm not the best person with time (I often say that I don't do time well), and I have a lot of anxiety about 'being late' (which for me means if a thing should start at 5, and it's 5:01, then I'm late and I feel like I need to apologize).

 

Even in this day and age of internet connectivity, time remains somewhat relative.  None of the clocks in our house say the same thing (even though we set them all based on computer time, which auto-sets, every time power goes out), and it's very common for clocks to have different times when you go to other places, so getting fiddly over a few minutes, when the clocks can't even agree, seems a bit silly.

And while I totally feel like we should try to be timely, especially when other people are involved (it's funny, I don't get annoyed when other people are a few minutes late, but yeah, if you have people expecting you and you're gonna be more than like 10 minutes late, a quick heads up is always appreciated!), trying to live our lives by to the second timing is just stress inducing.

And especially around a change like Daylight Savings, where everyone is adjusting their clocks (except those lucky people who live in places that don't do this) there is just so much room for error that getting fussed about mistakes is just not healthy.

Further, being too focused on exact timing can be highly (and unnecessarily) stressful.  So many things that we connect to time really don't need any level of exactitude.  As my husband often says, most days it doesn't matter if dinner is late (or early), and getting worked up over it just creates issues where there shouldn't be any.

I'd also extend this to celestial timing.  For most of us, spiritual timing is already a loose thing.  We look at things like moon phases in terms of days (not worrying about the exact moment that a phase hits), and the same often goes for holy days (like the equinoxes).  And if we are already stretching a moment into a day, why not give ourselves a little more wiggle room.  

It's okay if you honor things at a different time.  (It's also okay if you feel timing is important and it feels right to you to make sure things happen on time!)  Think of it like a friend's birthday.  We don't feel the need to celebrate the second they were born, and if we miss their birthday we offer a belated birthday wish.  We don't tend to tie ourselves in knots wondering if we should say something the day after or just skip it (because we know that the intent behind the well wishes are the important part, not the timing).

And yet, a lot of people get really hung up on (somewhat arbitrary) chunks of time, and really agonize over whether or not it's 'appropriate' to celebrate a holiday on the nearest weekend or do full moon work the day before.  I'm very much in the camp of 'done is better', and while I do sometimes strive for hitting those timing marks, if I don't, I've learned to not stress over it (spiritually speaking...I still haven't figured out how to apply this same attitude to more mundane things, go figure!)

I think it can also be handy to take the really, really long view.  The deities I work with are centuries old (at least!), and I really don't think they care if I do something on one day or a different day, let alone the hour of the day.  ((Again, I know that keeping exact timing is a devotional thing for many people, and if that works for you great, but if not, then maybe the long view will help you reconcile things in your own mind.))

At the end of the day, I think that asking yourself what is really important can be very helpful.  In ritual, which is more important:  the time it takes place or the ritual itself?  Is timing part of your devotion or simply an optional add?  Is it better to do something on time or not at all?  Maybe it's okay to not be so worried about the when and instead look to the what, how, why and with whom.

Who you gonna call (on)?

 I was recently introduced to the idea of deities (and other spirits/ancestors) as people in your phonebook (as opposed to the 'archetypal master of their sphere of influence' in the traditional sense).  And I think this is a super useful way to approach deity work, especially when you aren't sure who to call on.

I think a big part of why this mindset works for me is that I don't really fall into the traditional model of witchcraft.  I'm not doing a bunch of spells and invoking deities to do the work for me.  I tend to think of that as a more historical view of magic, where the petitioner (me) makes offerings (the bits of the spell), and asks/compels a spirit/deity/ancestor to go out and do the work for me.  And honestly I feel like that is becoming somewhat of an outdated model.

For me, it's more like I'm trying to do a thing but I might want some help or advice, so I'll call on a deity sort of like for moral support.  I've talked before about how my relationship with deities and spirits is much more conversational.  I often think of them in similar categories as I might people, so some are best friends, some are like family (related but not necessarily close), some are casual acquaintances.  My interactions with them are definitely flavored by how I relate to them.

And I'll admit, sometimes it's hard to figure out which deity (or spirit) might best fit an issue I'm working on.  If I'm having health issues, there are plenty of healing and health deities, but who do I turn to when I'm frustrated by the failings of the internet?  Now, I do also believe that the beings I work with are 'living' beings, in the sense that they aren't stuck in their prime time...they are not only aware of the modern world, but embrace it (or not...because of course some people choose to live in the past hehe).  So a crafting or smith deity might work for modern tech, but a communication deity might also fit the bill.

What I love about the phonebook mentality is that sometimes you don't want a 'master of the craft' to work with.  Sometimes you just want a friend to talk to, or maybe a neutral party.  Let's say I was having an issue with my cat.  Who might I call about it?  Well I could definitely call a vet, but I could also call a friend who has cats.  If we turn that thought into a witchy one, I could call on the spirit of cat, a deity who is directly connected to cats or even a deity who maybe has some interaction with cats (but isn't traditionally thought of as a cat deity).

Where I think this concept really shines is when thinking about deities themselves.  I never really liked the whole 'list of correspondences' for deities, where you get a list of words that they are linked to.  Me, I'm all about the stories.  I want to feel like I know them, as people, and then the idea of who to call on makes more organic sense to me.

As a sub-thought on the topic, sometimes it makes more sense to call on a deity that might be a looser fit, but who you might have a better relationship with.  If I'm struggling to keep my house tidy and wanting to do some work to help me in that realm, I could definitely call on one of the hearth and home deities...but let's say I don't really work with any of them regularly.  Instead, I might call on a more familiar deity (because everyone lives somewhere...right?) and use the familiarity of our relationship to help me....much like I might gripe to a friend for some encouragement instead of hiring a professional house cleaner.

I feel like a lot of modern day practice has evolved, but this is one of those things that we don't really talk about that much.  Sure the debate about what deities are exists (are they mystical beings who used to walk the world physically, are they mental archetypes, are they thought forms...), but rarely do I see it followed up on:  how does this effect how we work with them?

The fact that we have exposure to deities from all over the world...and all throughout history, means we may have to rethink how we relate to and work with them.  Our ancestors had limited exposure, they had their deities, and sometimes knew of the deities of the people near them.  But their interaction with their deities was different (I feel) that our interaction with them today (especially based on our understanding of the world around us), and that necessitates a new way of working.

So, if you are struggling with who to call, when you are planing a working, perhaps thinking of it less as invoking a deity and more like phoning a friend (or calling a pro in) will help you find the right fit.  Who knows, before long you may find yourself creating a whole new phone book...for deities and other spirits who you work with.

Cutting ties

 As a society, we are getting better with encouraging people to maintain stronger boundaries and cut toxic people out of their lives...even if they are family.  However, a lot of times this doesn't extend to people once they are dead.  We are expected to ignore all the bad things they did in life and 'remember the best of them.'

This can be extremely toxic if you have family members (or other people, not just family) who were horrible to you when they were alive.  Death isn't a clean slate, and we have no responsibility to maintain ties with the dead if it is unhealthy for us!

Now, I don't think that we should just be cutting contact with the dead willy nilly, especially when it comes to the long dead.  So much was acceptable (and not understood) at other times in history that if we cut ties with every ancestor (blood, spirit or path) that did things we wouldn't accept today...well we probably wouldn't have many people left to work with. 

But we also need to remember that working with the dead is an energy exchange, and the more we work with a particular person, the more we 'keep them alive' in our hearts and minds.  So we should definitely be mindful about who we are letting in, and who we want to keep out.

When it comes to the more recent dead, I think it's definitely reasonable to apply the same restrictions that we might on our living relatives.  If I wouldn't be associating with you if were still alive, why should I spend a minute working with you now that you're dead.

I'm not someone who believes that the dead can't change, but I also don't believe that it's my job to rehabilitate my ancestors.  If I choose to take up that work, that's fine, but no one should expect me to devote myself to helping people who don't want helped.  Or to exposing myself to people who personally trigger me (due to my personal memories of our interactions and how they make me feel).

The good thing is that you can absolutely cut ties with the dead that you no longer wish to associate with.  In some cases, this is as simple as just making the choice to not engage.  In other cases, you may have to do more intensive work to keep them from interfering in your life.

I'm a big fan of warding and setting clear energetic boundaries for who is welcome in my home..and who isn't.  I also think that it's fairly rare for the dead to pester the living (without some kind of encouragement).  But, if you are having issues, you may need to turn to stronger protection work, like banishing.

And of course, you will want to echo your spiritual work with physical work.  This may mean making it clear to your living family that you don't want to visit the graves of certain ancestors, or be involved in any remembrances dedicated to them.  Sadly, this may also mean that you have to reinforce your boundaries with relatives who don't understand why you don't want to toast you great-uncle. 

Your reasons do NOT need to be made public.  If you feel like sharing why you are cutting ties with a relative, that's one thing, but just remember you don't owe the dead anything, so choosing to distance yourself is YOUR choice.  Remember, no is a complete sentence and it's not rude to keep your reasoning to yourself.  

I'd also like to add that it's okay to change your mind.  Perhaps you were okay with someone, but you then found out more information and no longer wish to engage with them.  The same way that you might end a friendship if you found out your 'friend' was cheating on their partner, it's okay to cut ties with someone who you thought was a decent person...but then you found out otherwise. 

And on the flip side, maybe you had serious issues with someone and cut all ties with them, but either you found out something new about their situation, or you have done enough personal work to have overcome your trauma regarding them.  Maybe you want to reconnect, to reach out and find out more about them (and your relationship).  Even if you hadn't worked with them before, you can reach out and start connecting.  ((And it's not a set in stone thing either...if you try to connect with them and find out that it's just not going to work, they really are horrible, then cut those ties again!))

The dead may not be exactly the same as the living, but that doesn't mean we should allow them to do what they like.  We can maintain our healthy boundaries and cut ties with people who are harmful to our mental well-being.  Think of them as people first, and dead second, and trust your instincts.  If their presence in your life brings you more sorrow than joy, perhaps it's time to think about letting go of the relationship.

Misunderstood faith

 Faith is something that is so very powerful, and often very personal....and for many people very misunderstood.  Not in the sense that a person misunderstands their own faith (though that happens!), but typically that other people misunderstand your faith.  

This isn't a Pagan only problem.  This is something that is faced by anyone who's faith isn't mainstream....and even then sometimes!  I honestly think that it's not an exaggeration to say that the average person understands very little about faiths that they haven't lived with personally.  

And I think this is a HUGE failing on our part as a society.  Of course faith is a broad topic, and even with more structured religions (that have a holy book, tenants of faith and other rules and regulations that constrain followers) there are so many variations that it's very hard to remain current on what the standards are.

Add into that the fact that many people (in a wide variety of faiths) personalize their beliefs, and you start to see the issue.  Many people like to assume they know what someone believes, because they were told certain things about different faiths, and that is such a dangerous way to approach something that is considered so sacred to many people.

For example, witchcraft is still shaking off associations with things like devil worship and human sacrifice...something most modern witches would never consider practicing!  And I've never come across anyone, who has those associations, who got them because they actually knew someone who identified as a witch and used those practices (or 'heard it from a friend').  It's almost always another religious 'leader' who is telling people these outdated stories (often out of a desire to turn people to their own religion).

Speaking of which, if we flip the script around, and talk about Christianity for a moment....that's another religion where I feel many people are misunderstood (and others are very clearly understood....they just aren't actually practicing what they say they are).  The sad fact of the matter is that there are SO many very loud 'Christians' who don't see their faith as a guideline for how to live their own life, but rather a metric for judging others (harshly) in order to feel more self-righteous.  And that has led to many great Christians being seen as hypocritical or being distrusted, because of the actions of the loud ones.

I feel like one of the biggest issues plaguing this topic is one of silence.  Many faiths include holy secrets, things that aren't discussed with outsiders.  And religion has become such a hot topic that discussion of it is discouraged in many places (because people can't figure out how to talk about things respectfully *sigh).

But talk is exactly what we need!  We need to talk to people of other faiths, and to learn about the faiths of people in our lives.  I love learning about what my friends and family believe in, and I would much rather ask someone directly what they believe in (and thus hear their personal feelings and thoughts on it...and any twists to the standard they might take) than to search online for an 'impartial' definition.

I understand that some aspects of our faith might be private and not something to be shared, but when able we should strive to have honest conversations with other people about what we believe in.  And when someone shares their beliefs with us, and they aren't something that works for us, we should be respectful in honoring our differences (assuming of course that their beliefs don't involve harming other people...because then the gloves can come off!)

We should also do our best to not judge anyone based on a preconceived notion of what their faith is.  There are a lot of vilified faiths out there, often where extremists who use their faith to hurt others have tainted the reputation of the faith as a whole...even though the extremists aren't actually representing the faith as a whole.  A very similar issue is when we take outdated sources as 'fact' and judge modern practitioners based on what ancient books say.

Of course a tricky spot for this is when a religion has a holy book that is also historic.  Because there are so many things that used to be common and accepted..that are no longer tolerated.  That would be like someone judging all witches by the writing in the Witch's Bible (including all the gender stuff and sexualized content).  

I also think that we should encourage everyone to be very critical about their own faith.  To question things in their personal beliefs that maybe haven't stood the test of time.  Or any kind of issue where 'you think this (insert judgemental thing here) is wrong/sinful/amoral, but you don't have a problem with (people who do the thing)'....often called 'hate the sin, love the sinner'.  Difference of opinion is one thing, but believing a part of someone is 'evil' but claiming you don't dislike the person...that's a conflict of thinking right there.

I don't think we will ever see a world with unified religion, because religion is such a personal thing.  What I think we should be aiming for instead is religious harmony, where people can practice what makes them feel most fulfilled (again...without harming or restricting other people), and everyone is okay with it.  Where each person's faith is treated with respect and honor, and people are given space (and time!) to practice in the way they see fit.