PBP- Week 13: Gender

Gender and gender identity is something that I think is starting to become known to the greater public. Assumptions that people used to hold are being challenged, and a lot of people are coming to understand that gender isn't as cut and dry as they may have thought.

When I was little, I didn't know there was anything besides boy or girl. I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who didn't push me one way or another. Biologically, I am female. All my parts are in working order, and I have born and (mostly) raised a child (he is nearing adulthood, how scary is that). I consider myself very blessed to have never hated my body for it's bits.

And yet, my gender identity is very fluid, and has been for as long as I can remember. I don't always think of myself in feminine terms. It's more than just challenging gender roles, because I am very okay with strong women. My mother's side of the family is Chinese, and in the home, women pretty much run things. I have known strong, capable women all my life.

But there are times where I definitely self-identify as masculine. I have been dreaming (and sometimes remembering) things as a male since childhood. There is a sense of rightness to it for me. This is why I consider myself gender fluid though, because there is never much of a feeling of wrongness, so it isn't that I am transgendered, more that I just do not feel that I am solely female.

And while I have never disliked my female body, there are a lot of the more traditional aspects of femininity that I just don't get into. I love my son, but I would not consider myself a motherly person by nature. I can be polite and civilized when I wish to be, but by nature I am outspoken and quite bawdy. I embrace my sexuality with open arms, and if you don't like it that's not my problem (however I do not make it a habit of going out of my way to shove my business in other people's lives).

When I first got into Paganism, there were pretty distinct gender lines that didn't always make sense to me. The model I learned first was that of a mixed-gender coven that was mostly equal with a slight tilt towards matriarchy. The ideal was a group, led by a High Priestess and High Priest, and broken down into working pairs made of a man and a woman. Several sources even mentioned that if there were homosexual people in the coven, their sexual preference wasn't a key factor in the working pairs, but their biological gender was.

I never really liked the concept of these working pairs being male/female mandatory. I do think that men and women have different energy typically, however I think that some people blend those lines to the point that if you have a highly feminine woman and a highly feminine man who are working together, they might find that they are lacking on the male energy side, even though one of them is a man. Honestly though, I think that it is more important to work with someone you are compatible with, than to focus on one aspect like gender (because that really was the only factor that was considered necessary to balance).

I have had an interesting journey finding deities that I connect with, especially in regards to gender. I wasn't raised properly Christian, but we did go to services for Christmas and Easter. Around high school, when I was just starting to find my own path, my father got really into visiting different churches, so I went with him to a wide variety of services, and we went fairly regularly to one church that catered to teens and young adults. The pastor was wonderful, and the messages of the services were very well tailored to my age group. I did feel somewhat lacking however, as I had been doing a lot of reading about Paganism and the concept of deity in both a male and female.

This led me to a very Goddess focused practice for a while. I was never entirely devoted to the Goddess, there was always a place for the God in my practice and my life, but my primary deities for a lone while were female. They tended to be warrior or huntress Goddesses (or associated with fire). I didn't feel I had much in common with the more gentle and motherly Goddesses.

After a while, I realized that I was trying to reach a more masculine energy through these Goddesses. I had to rethink my whole concept of Gods, and try to separate out the more traditional (Christian) God concept and find my own understanding of male deity.

I also work with beings that I don't view in gendered terms. Beings like Raven, who to me is much more than an animal guide, and who doesn't come to me in either female or male forms, but neutral.

There has been a lot of discussion in the past couple of years about gender identity and how this effects the magical community. There have been events that have brought these thoughts into the general mind, and even though the events must have been traumatic to those involved, and have often led to quite heated discussions (and even arguments), I think that they were necessary to help us grow into something new.

I believe that a lot of modern Pagans aren't learning the same gender roles as were very prominent even a decade ago. There are a lot more options for 'standard' working groups. And yet I think we still have a long way to go. A lot of people are still breaking free from a more masculine religious model (even if their personal family weren't highly religious, we mostly live in a very book-religion society).

If you look at things like rituals, spells and chants, the number that are devoted to Goddesses or female energy and experience vastly outnumber the ones that speak to males or Gods. There are a lot of chants that assume female chanters. I think this is sad for a lot of reasons. Firstly I think it reinforces an old idea that women lead the groups in Paganism and that men are kind of secondary, which I think is a horrible standard.

But I also firmly believe, that no matter how firmly you identify with your gender (whether it matches your biological body or not), you can benefit from exploring the opposite gender. The lack of masculine influence effects both genders in my mind. Men may feel marginalized, and women are not being given the opportunity to experience masculine energy.

I don't think it is something to be fixed easily or quickly. There are still a lot of barriers to break down. Gender identity can be a very personal thing, especially if you don't identify with a traditional body aligned gender (or if you fit outside the binary division). It can be hard to understand another's gender identity, especially if it is very different from your own. It can be hard to deal with genders that might trigger memory of abuse. But I think the more we can look at and attempt to reconcile all these differences, the stronger we will be, both as individuals and as a global community.

PBP- Week 12: Fear and anxiety

I have always had an interesting relationship with fear. I'm not the type of person who runs from fear, rather I am much more likely to run towards the things I fear. While I don't like confrontation with anger, I have this thing about trying to prove that I can overcome the things that scare me. Where I run into issues is with things that can't be physically fought (like illness).

I was very much a tom-boy when I was younger. I was an only child, and was allowed to be who I wanted to be and play with the toys I wanted. I had a mix of Barbies, My Little Ponies, GI-Joes, Transformers and Legos. I played dress up, and liked to do my hair when we would go out, but my everyday wear was typically pants and not skirts. I liked getting my hands dirty, and nail polish never stayed on long (of course back then it was the peel off kind....now it just gets chipped!)

But being a girl who wanted to hang out with the boys, I constantly felt like I had to prove myself. Not only did I have to keep up, but I had to do better (because I was a girl after all). It became a kind of challenge for myself, if someone else would do something, I would need to prove I could too. Of course it got me into scrapes (and as I got older, definitely put me in positions that weren't the smartest). It definitely molded my “face things head on” attitude.

After high school, as I started stepping out into the 'real world', I came to realize not everything is as easy to face as dark alleys or climbing trees. Being the buddy of the guys I hung out with often put me out of 'date' contention, and even though I had little interest in things like makeup I still felt inadequate compared to the popular 'pretty' girls (objectively I know I am pretty, but emotionally sometimes it is something I struggle with). Being a bit on the outside socially (I was into theater, roleplaying and the occult, hardly the standard building blocks of the school scene), I was very aware that I wasn't really what a lot of people would consider to be 'normal'.

Not that I'm a huge fan of normal, I just struggle with being judged. Typically, I like people. I have a pretty broad range of interests, so can sit and chat with just about anyone. A part of me always wonders what they truly think about me, and if they would really like me if they knew all my deepest secrets. Living in a place where your spiritual beliefs are considered evil doesn't help at all.

The things I fear live inside my own head. I have no doubt that the people I talk to have no clue that half the time I am petrified of the outcome of a conversation. The silliest things will cause me to freeze up. Making phone calls to strangers is particularly hard for me. I can talk to people face-to-face better than I can over the phone. If I need to call a store to ask about something or talk to someone on the phone about a bill, I practice the conversation before I call. If I need to mention specific things (like calling to find out if the car repair place has the right tires for our car), all the information has to be written down in front of me. And it still freaks me out to call.

Objectively I know that the salesperson isn't going to mock me. I'm not going to be hurt by the phone call. Really, if things go the worst they could possibly go, chances are that as soon as I hang up the phone, the situation is over. I'll probably never have to see that person, and even if I did, they weren't going to do anything to me. And yet I still have to push myself to make calls.

The thing that wrecks me the most though is close family getting sick. That is something I absolutely can not fight. Sure, I can take care of them, make sure they get medicine and stay hydrated and all of that stuff. But there is nothing I can do that will make them better. I can't take away their pain. And this puts me in a panic. Quite literally, I physically struggle when my husband or son gets so much as a cold. Even though my mind knows that a little runny nose isn't a big deal, my body will still go into panic mode.

I've gotten better over the years. I shield harder, and work on focusing my mind on building up instead of dwelling on the “what if's”. I know there is a lesson somewhere in there for me, as I keep finding myself as a caretaker. Outwardly I can typically manage, but inside I am torn up.

I think everyone has fear. I think we each have our own hurdles and things that beat us down. And no matter what it is that strikes fear into your heart, you are not alone. No matter how strong someone looks on the outside, there is something that they struggle with. I don't have to have your fear to empathize with you. I may love the thing you fear, and yet I can stand beside you and support you as you fight your own battles. We can turn to each other when our fear is too much for us. We can band together and we don't always have to be strong. We can lean on each other and draw strength from those who have different fears, and by allowing ourselves to accept that help, we in turn give confidence to those who help us that they can use in their own struggles. Fear doesn't make you weak, fear gives you the opportunity to find new ways to be strong.

PBP: Week 11- Facebook and Friendship

This is going to be a pretty rambling post, but the idea got stuck in my head and won't let go, so where we go!

When I first discovered Witchcraft, it was in a library book from my high school library. The book stated that you could find practicing covens by looking in the newspaper. Needless to say, that really didn't work, there were no ads in the papers for those interested in learning more, and especially not for someone still underage. I ended up finding a little occult store, and meeting people that way.

Later, I found some local type publications that were aimed at metaphysical folks and those did have ads in them. I learned from this to always be very wary when answering ads, and to listen to those inner warning bells. Not everyone who places an add for new members to their coven will mesh with you, even if their intentions are good.

After I moved away from larger cities, I ended up taking my search for others to an online forum. I found message boards (this was all before Facebook), and made some good connections. I had made some Pagan friends before, but due to moving was no longer in touch with most of them. The great thing about the internet was that I could not only meet people fairly easily, who shared interests with me, but I could interact with them, regardless of where they lived.

It really did open up a whole new world for me, quite literally. I found that people in different areas of the world had vastly different experiences with their practices. What might be very common here, was not so common elsewhere, and what may be everyday for someone else was novel to me. It really broadened my perspective, and gave me a huge appreciation for how other people do things.

And then along came Facebook. I resisted social networks for a long time, I was quite happy with forums. And still, in some ways, I prefer forums. I think that Facebook is not as user-friendly as it would like you to think it is. I am constantly trying to tailor my newsfeed to show me the stuff I actually want to see, without cutting friends out of my life who want to play a lot of facebook games (and send me virtual sheep and what not).

I friend a lot of people. I have done the facebook game thing, and though I don't anymore, I have people on my friends list who are neighbors of my virtual farm. I also play other computer games, and one ran a facebook game a couple years back, so I have over a hundred friends that were added as part of that. I also have joined several wonderful facebook groups, Pagan and other, which has added to my friends list. And I actually have people I know in person who are facebook friends. In the end, this leaves me with several hundred friends, most of whom I know very little about and interact with hardly at all.

Which makes an interesting point. Facebook is supposed to be all about networking with your friends, and yet we end up with all these people on our friends list who are virtual strangers. True friends take work, enjoyable though that work may be. Being someones friend isn't about liking their posts or sharing cute kitty pictures on their wall.

Being a friend is truly caring about someone. Thinking about them at random times and wondering what they are up to. Worrying about them when they are sick. Wanting to celebrate their victories with them, and giving them a shoulder to cry on when they need to mourn their losses. Not only chatting with them but listening as well. I think it is very possible to make solid friends online, and to maintain those friendships through sites like Facebook, but you have to put forth the effort.

And when it comes to groups, even on Facebook, those take work too. There will often be some kind of drama that will pop up, and if you don't deal with virtual drama quickly, it escalates ridiculously. Also, there are so many groups and other things going on in Facebook already that if you don't work on keeping your group going, it will fade away.

What I think Facebook is really invaluable for is providing a support system for those of us who are solitary for whatever reason. Perhaps you don't know anyone near you who is Pagan, or you don't really want to join a formal group. You can still make and have great friends online, and gain that sense of community in your life. I know there are a lot of times in my past where I wish there had been something like Facebook, where I could log on and talk to people who understood where I was in my life.

A final thought, that really applies to any online interaction. People in general tend to behave atrociously online. There are a lot of people who really take advantage of the fact that it is not a face-to-face interaction, and say things they would never dare to say to someone else's face. Treat your online interactions as if the person you are typing to is right in front of you. If you wouldn't say it to their face, you probably don't want to say it. And if someone else is being really obnoxious, just walk away. Someone who is trying to stir up trouble can't be reasoned with anyways, all you will do is frustrate yourself.

People also tend to forget how very public the internet is. Things that you may have thought were private could very well be shared with people you never intended to see. Always keep this in mind, if you really want to keep something private, think twice before posting it on any type of social media, even in a personal message or private group.

PBP- Week 10: Empathy and music

Music plays huge part in both my practice and my life. I am very emotional, both on a personal level and a psychic one. There are a lot of times where things overwhelm me, no matter how well I shield. I know that if I need to be in public for long periods of time, especially at a crowded event (like a school function, or holiday shopping), that I will most likely be a bit twitchy.

For me, music is a huge savior. It forms a filter between me and others, both energetically and socially. If I have to do a lot of shopping, and I have headphones on, a lot of salespeople won't try to see if I need help. But more than that, I can ride the energy of the music I am listening to and use it as a dampener to any other energy that I come across.

I spent a lot of this past summer in doctors offices and hospitals, which are not my favorite places. I was driving a family member for treatments, and had a lot of wait time. Music helped me to deal with my personal anxiety so that I was in a much better place to be supportive to my family member.

One thing I love about music is that you can tailor it to your needs. If I just need to be upbeat, I can put on something that makes me feel happy. If I need to vent, I can put on something and dance about and rave. If I want to relax, I can play something mellow and soothing and it will help calm me down.

Music is great to add into your practice as well. For meditation there are tons of good songs and tracks designed to aid meditation. I also like using music as a timer. If I know I want to meditate for twenty minutes, I can either find a piece that is twenty minutes long, or build a playlist that is the length I want, and when the music stops it is a nice gentle reminder to come back to my waking mind (as opposed to a timer which can be quite jarring).

For rituals, you can pick your music based on your intent. Playing something that matches the outcome you are working towards helps put you in the right mindspace. It also helps block out any random road noise or sounds from the neighbors which might be distracting. For me, it is like building a bubble of sound that I can be in. Even though I can still hear other things, my mind can focus on the sounds I like instead of the ones that just happen to be there.