I have always had an interesting relationship with fear. I'm not the
type of person who runs from fear, rather I am much more likely to
run towards the things I fear. While I don't like confrontation with
anger, I have this thing about trying to prove that I can overcome
the things that scare me. Where I run into issues is with things
that can't be physically fought (like illness).
I was very much a tom-boy when I was younger. I was an only child,
and was allowed to be who I wanted to be and play with the toys I
wanted. I had a mix of Barbies, My Little Ponies, GI-Joes,
Transformers and Legos. I played dress up, and liked to do my hair
when we would go out, but my everyday wear was typically pants and
not skirts. I liked getting my hands dirty, and nail polish never
stayed on long (of course back then it was the peel off kind....now
it just gets chipped!)
But being a girl who wanted to hang out with the boys, I constantly
felt like I had to prove myself. Not only did I have to keep up, but
I had to do better (because I was a girl after all). It became a
kind of challenge for myself, if someone else would do something, I
would need to prove I could too. Of course it got me into scrapes
(and as I got older, definitely put me in positions that weren't the
smartest). It definitely molded my “face things head on”
attitude.
After high school, as I started stepping out into the 'real world', I
came to realize not everything is as easy to face as dark alleys or
climbing trees. Being the buddy of the guys I hung out with often
put me out of 'date' contention, and even though I had little
interest in things like makeup I still felt inadequate compared to
the popular 'pretty' girls (objectively I know I am pretty, but
emotionally sometimes it is something I struggle with). Being a bit
on the outside socially (I was into theater, roleplaying and the
occult, hardly the standard building blocks of the school scene), I
was very aware that I wasn't really what a lot of people would
consider to be 'normal'.
Not that I'm a huge fan of normal, I just struggle with being judged.
Typically, I like people. I have a pretty broad range of interests,
so can sit and chat with just about anyone. A part of me always
wonders what they truly think about me, and if they would really like
me if they knew all my deepest secrets. Living in a place where your
spiritual beliefs are considered evil doesn't help at all.
The things I fear live inside my own head. I have no doubt that the
people I talk to have no clue that half the time I am petrified of
the outcome of a conversation. The silliest things will cause me to
freeze up. Making phone calls to strangers is particularly hard for
me. I can talk to people face-to-face better than I can over the
phone. If I need to call a store to ask about something or talk to
someone on the phone about a bill, I practice the conversation before
I call. If I need to mention specific things (like calling to find
out if the car repair place has the right tires for our car), all the
information has to be written down in front of me. And it still
freaks me out to call.
Objectively I know that the salesperson isn't going to mock me. I'm
not going to be hurt by the phone call. Really, if things go the
worst they could possibly go, chances are that as soon as I hang up
the phone, the situation is over. I'll probably never have to see
that person, and even if I did, they weren't going to do anything to
me. And yet I still have to push myself to make calls.
The thing that wrecks me the most though is close family getting
sick. That is something I absolutely can not fight. Sure, I can
take care of them, make sure they get medicine and stay hydrated and
all of that stuff. But there is nothing I can do that will make them
better. I can't take away their pain. And this puts me in a panic.
Quite literally, I physically struggle when my husband or son gets so
much as a cold. Even though my mind knows that a little runny nose
isn't a big deal, my body will still go into panic mode.
I've gotten better over the years. I shield harder, and work on
focusing my mind on building up instead of dwelling on the “what
if's”. I know there is a lesson somewhere in there for me, as I
keep finding myself as a caretaker. Outwardly I can typically
manage, but inside I am torn up.
I think everyone has fear. I think we each have our own hurdles and
things that beat us down. And no matter what it is that strikes fear
into your heart, you are not alone. No matter how strong someone
looks on the outside, there is something that they struggle with. I
don't have to have your fear to empathize with you. I may love the
thing you fear, and yet I can stand beside you and support you as you
fight your own battles. We can turn to each other when our fear is
too much for us. We can band together and we don't always have to be
strong. We can lean on each other and draw strength from those who
have different fears, and by allowing ourselves to accept that help,
we in turn give confidence to those who help us that they can use in
their own struggles. Fear doesn't make you weak, fear gives you the
opportunity to find new ways to be strong.
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