Giving without loosing yourself

 

 Lammas is around the corner, and it's a time of year when I always thing of generosity and bounty.  And sometimes, especially when you don't have a lot, it can be hard to feel like you are embodying that generous spirit.  Especially when we feel pushed (often by society) to 'give'...when we might not have enough ourselves.  Navigating the line between generosity and your personal boundaries can be quite tricky!

I think the first step is always to start with an honest evaluation of where you are.  Many of us feel like we are in a bad place, and obviously this is true for many of those people.  But sometimes, we feel like we are in a place of want, and then when we actually sit down and take a personal accounting, we realize there are a lot of ways in which we have more than we thought we did.

And this (taking a personal accounting) can be a great way to recognize where in your life you have some extra.  Maybe you like to cook in huge batches, and then get tired of it before you can eat it all...and perhaps you can invite friends over to share in your meals (not only helping them if they are struggling, but also saving you from having to eat the same thing for a week straight!).

But it also lets you become aware of any deficits.  To continue the previous example, maybe you have a little garden and you got in a bumper crop of tomatoes.  You talk it over with some friends and agree that they will drop off some other ingredients or bring side dishes, and you will make up a big batch of spaghetti or chili.  Everyone can enjoy it, people can bring some home, but everyone can contribute what they can to the meal as well.  

The important thing is to not fall into the trap of  "other people have it worse so I should always give to someone who is worse off than me".  This is where personal boundaries must be enforced.  If I honestly am struggling to pay bills and buy the necessity stuff, then I might not be in a place to give money to a homeless person.  Yes, they are absolutely worse off than me, but there are also a lot of people in the world worse off than me, and if I try to help them all, I will need help myself.

Instead, try to find the places where you can share a little.  Maybe that means finding things that you don't need anymore and donating them to shelters or outreach programs.  Maybe it means offering your time and labor to help in a community project.  Maybe you can connect people who are in a position to help with those who need it.

Even if you have nothing physical to give, you may be able to share information.  Help people in need find programs that will be able to help them.  Pass along good articles on ways to stretch resources or upcycle things.  When you find tips that work, save them and share them!

We tend to think of our harvest in a literal way.  It is the stuff we have (money, food, items...stuff).  But we are so much more than our stuff!  We have compassion, we have love, we have understanding.  Sometimes, what people need is simply to be treated like a person.  They want to talk about what they are going through and they want someone to listen.  They may not even want help (in the traditional sense), but might need a little compassion.  

And even though we are talking about non-physical stuff, you still need to remember your boundaries!  If you are already exhausted after taking care of your own life (you know:  job, family, self-care), then you may not have energy to give.  Or maybe you have time, but no emotional energy (or vice versa).  Sometimes navigating your boundaries means negotiating different ways to help.  Just remember that if you wear yourself out, you can't help anyone (especially yourself!)

Each and every one of us deserves to have enough.  And when you have enough, you can start sharing the extra (and that includes both stuff and non-stuff).  If we start thinking more like a community filled with individuals instead of just a bunch of people stuck in the same place together, it becomes easier to care about strangers...and when you care, you want to help!

So start by taking stock.  See where you stand, where you lack and where you have extra.  And talk to people!  Start with those you know.  See where your lacks and extras overlap.  And then reach even further out.  Think about what you have extra of and where that could help.  If more of us approached life like this, just imagine the amazing world we could create!

Negotiating differences

 

We live in a world with a huge amount of variety and differences between people.  In fact, I would bet that no one can name a single person who actually agrees with them on everything (even if they claim they do...often to avoid confrontation).  But for all the differences we have, most people also have never learned how to actually get along with people who are fundamentally different to us.

It is natural to tend to clump together with people who are more like us than not.  But the simple fact that someone is different doesn't make their differences bad.  I feel this is one big factor that many people just can't accept.

First, I think it's important to start at a basic understanding.  I, as an adult person, do not have the right to tell any other adult person how they should be living their life, AS LONG AS they are not trying to hurt or control other people.  It is not our job to police other people.  

 

Now of course nothing is as simple as that (sadly).  People often have different ideas of what constitutes harm, and we also have varying ideas about how to handle issues with kids (who can't always advocate for themselves).  But we have to start somewhere!  

 

We also have to learn to separate fact from opinion...and this is something a lot of people struggle with.  The thing about facts is that they don't care if you believe in them or not....they simply are.  Facts also don't have exceptions.  So if you are trying to argue about a thing, and keep finding outliers....it might be time to ask yourself if you might be trying to argue an opinion, and not a fact.

Once we get down to opinions, then things get tricky.  Because opinions are things that are true for YOU, but not necessarily for anyone else.  I can like, or not like a thing, but that doesn't make the thing good or bad...it just means it's not right for ME.  

And a very common attitude is that everyone else should adapt so that everything is right for ME.  The issue with that is that we can't all be the center of the universe.  And I honestly think no one should have that perspective.  ((even in special occasions...like when it's your birthday or wedding....it's okay to want to feel special, but if you feel like other people OWE you their misery just so you can be happy...that's not cool))

We share so many spaces and experiences in life, and we find ourselves in situations where we find ourselves in conflict with others.  We all end up in situations where compromise is the best course.  And it's been a pretty common thing in recent years for people to make their own struggles everyone else's problem.

Often, when we gather, there is someone who is in charge of the space.  This might be the actual owner (in the case of a store or home), but it could also be an organizer (in the case of an event).  And whoever is in charge of the space can set ground rules:  expectations that people in that space are expected to comply to.

We see this a lot when it comes to ritual hosting.  Especially since Paganism is such an open faith, and we each decide how we want to walk our path.  But when we come together, we need some structure to help everyone get along.

So, lets say we are going to be attending a ritual that is being held at a local park.  The ritual leader has let everyone know that alcohol will not be permitted (as per the rules of the park), but that it is also going to be an adult only event, and everyone present needs to be 18+.  They let everyone know that it is open to all genders, and that Loki will be honored at the ritual.

Having these kinds of rules gives everyone attending a sense of what will be going down, and what they can expect to experience.  As someone who wants to go to this event, if I disagree with the rules I can absolutely ask if exceptions can be made.  But, if the ritual leader explains that the rules are there for a reason, it isn't within my rights to demand that the rules be changed...even if that means I can't attend.

 

It doesn't matter if my personal beliefs state that drink must be offered at all rituals.  It doesn't matter if I'm a single mom with no one to watch my toddler.  It doesn't matter if I think that my 17 year old is mature enough to attend.  It doesn't matter if I am not comfortable with men being present.  It doesn't matter if Loki terrifies me.

 

On the other hand, the ritual leader doesn't have the right to tell people they have to come (and abide by the rules of the ritual).  It is every person's right to decide if they can abide by the rules of the situation...or not. 

So when you find yourself in a situation where there is disagreement, first look for actual harm.  Then consider whether or not the thing in disagreement is a fact or opinion.  Make sure you know the rules of the space you are in, and then talk about what accommodations could be made.  And if you still aren't comfortable....then it's okay to just leave.

When to fight back

 

We do not live in a world that embraces differences, no matter how much some of us would prefer it.  In fact, we live in a world where differences and being 'outside the norm' (which often translates to "not what the people in power/with money believe") can lead to people being treated as 'less than' (whether that means simply mocked verbally or something more sinister where life and liberties are threatened or taken away).  

 

As Pagans, we are often faced with the decision of how to respond these situations...either on our own behalf or on the behalf of others (because it has been my experience that many Pagans want everyone to flourish, and will defend anyone who is being wrongfully attacked).  And many Pagans have very strong ideas about when and for what magic (or petitioning our Gods) should be invoked.  Some believe that magic shouldn't be used to promote conflict, or should never be used to impact other people without their permission, or simply that it shouldn't be politicized.

 

However, refusing to take a stand is a passive way of agreeing with whatever the dominant voice is (yes, this is a highly controversial stand, but I absolutely believe that if things are happening that cause any person or group to be treated in a particular way, and I don't do anything to refute it...I am helping to create an environment where such actions are allowed to take place.  By not even voicing my disagreement, by not standing up for what I feel is wrong, I am complacent in the actions, even though I am not directly taking part.

 

Now, personally, I have a lot of feels about this topic.  I think we should all stand up for...and fight for...people who are struggling to fight for themselves.  This means any group that is outnumbered, misunderstood, or targeted out of spite.  I also believe that using magic (and that includes petitioning my deities) for things I would take physical action towards is fine (in my head, magic isn't it's own moral category...if I would stand for something, I can do it with all the tools at my disposal and spiritual stuff counts too).

I know that everyone has their own limits, so there are lots of things you can do and still honor your own boundaries in this matter.  If you feel like you shouldn't force your views on other people (regardless of how misguided you feel the other side is), there are things you can do that still protect those who are vulnerable.

I think it's important to draw a line between "not wanting to restrict other people's agency" and "not allowing other people to force their beliefs on others".  There is a very big difference between trying to force someone to agree with your point of view and stopping them from outright harassing others. 

Another wonderful thing to do is to simply help the people who are being mistreated.  This might mean working to provide safe spaces where people can feel free from judgement or harm.  It might mean working to make sure that more people have access to health care, mental health care, food, shelter, clothes.  

It might mean becoming more vocal, using your voice (and sometimes the privilege of not being in the minority group that is being targeted) to spread information and empathy.  This could include writing to policy makers, taking to social media, or helping marginalized people share THEIR voices (remember, if you aren't part of the victimized group, your goal should be to help them not talk over them).

And it could mean working with specific deities who would step up to this cause.  Making offerings and asking for aid can be done on your own, or you could share what you are doing (and invite others to join in).  This can become a really powerful community effort, and can grow into an amazing vehicle for change.

Things like spell jars or vision boards can also be great ways to use magic to address a situation.  Small works of art, like painted rocks or stickers, or even posters, can be put out into the world (and can be done anonymously if you don't want to put a target on yourself).  

One thing I think it is important to be mindful of is to not make attacks personal.  This is something we have seen SO much in politics, and it's so ridiculous...instead of fighting back against the idea that a person is spreading, they make attacks on their personal character.  Not only does this open you up to people using the same tactics on you, it also side steps the actual issue.  If your focus is on attacking the people (and their personal lives) who are causing the problem, you aren't actually addressing the problem.  If you succeed and 'win' against the figurehead, the actual issue still exists and your actions haven't done anything to make it better.

Instead, focus your energy (both metaphysical and physical hehe) on the actual issue.  This is the only way that true progress happens, by opening people's eyes to the harmful (and almost always false) information that is accepted as 'true' and teaching people to respect each other, regardless of their personal disagreements.  (and it is hard to get people to respect you when you are slinging personal barbs at them).

As Pagans, I think we understand very well what it is like to be persecuted for things that we aren't even doing.  We have the ability to stand up for others in this world, and I absolutely believe that if you have that ability then you should be using it...because to idly sit by while others are harmed and to do nothing....is one of the reasons why our world has become so fractured and so confrontational.  If we only stand up for ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to help us when we need it?

What does independence mean?

 

 In America we talk about independence a lot..but I feel like we've lost so much of it's meaning.  We speak as if freedom means being 'free' from rule, and yet, we are ruled by so many things in life.  We have laws that we must follow, financial restrictions, and lately so many social issues where groups argue over who has the right to do what.

Most of us live, have always and will always live as a part of society.  Even if we may feel isolated from time to time, we are still impacted by the people around us.  And being part of a community can bring both levels of independence and levels of dependence.

In this modern age, we are reliant on money to live.  We have to trade our time, energy and often resources to make money to pay for the things that are necessary for life (food, shelter, etc).  And we like to think that, if we can pay all our bills, we are 'independent'.  But I think that much of that independence is an illusion.

So many people are one tragedy away from disaster.  What that tragedy is may differ from person to person.  For some, it may mean any unexpected issue, like having your car break down or needing to buy a new appliance.  For others, it may mean saying the wrong thing and loosing their fan base (and thus their income).  And all of us are one accident away from disability.  And we are not set up, as a society, to help everyone become independent, so once you reach a threshold of dependence, it is virtually impossible to recover.

I also feel like independence speaks to our ability to choose.  If we are independent, we can decide what we want to do for a living (and we aren't just slotted into a job because it was the only one we could get and now we're stuck).  We would have the choice to live our life how we decide (and that means being able to dress how we want, love who we want, and be who we want to be).  It only takes one peek into the news or social media to realize that we don't have those choices, that there are many choices we can make where we will be punished for what we chose.

This especially relates to social issues.  There are many people in the world who believe that they know what is best for everyone, and they will do everything in their power to push their views onto other people.  This is one place where we come to a tricky issue, because those of us who want people to have choices, who want people to be free to be themselves, we aren't going around trying to force other people to think like us, and therefor the other side has the advantage.

And this is where I think we need to draw the line.  We need to start fighting back.  There is a difference between trying to force other people to agree with you and allowing them to push their beliefs on everyone else.  We can say "it's fine for you to think a certain way, but you don't have the right to force others to live by your beliefs."  And we can push back when they try to do it anyways.

As Pagans, we are one of many groups who still has to fight for our rights.  Our right to not have our children taught someone else's religion in school.  Our right to have our beliefs respected (and not belittled or laughed at).  Our right to the same religious privileges as others (being able to take our holidays off, being able to wear symbols of our faith, being able to hold religious ceremonies in public).  And many of us know that we can't only stand up for ourselves and we can't only fight our own battles.  If we stand with other groups who are having their independence threatened, then there is a good change they will stand by us...and that is how the world should work!

Now we all stand up for ourselves (and others) in our own way.  Some people like to get out in the world and protest.  Others may prefer to write letters to politicians.  Others lead discussions online, trying to educate people.  Some write blog posts *grin  Some might do what they can to help people find their independence, while others comfort those who need help right now.

And some of us take up our tools and work to create the world we want to see.  We address the injustices of the world through magic, and we direct our energy towards changing the parts of the world that are broken.  We want everyone to be able to find their path, to live the life they want to live, and to be happy.  And that is what I think independence means:  the ability to live YOUR life...the way you want to live it.  And it is worth fighting to make sure that everyone has that opportunity.