Non-traditional wars

 Memorial day is a uniquely American holiday, but the spirit of the holiday is one that can reach people of every country and culture.  Technically speaking, Memorial day honors the men and women who died while serving in the US military.  It is a day to remember the soldiers who gave everything to their country, but it has also become a reminder of the costs of war.

But we live in complicated times, and war isn't always the obvious battles with guns.  We speak of other wars, the war on drugs, the war on terror, or even the wars we fight inside ourselves.  Those who fight to defend their homes and families aren't always wearing the uniforms of the military.

Now, I am in no way saying that our military shouldn't be remembered and honored.  I grew up a military brat, and my family has lots of members that have served.  My son is serving right now, in the Air Force.  And I think that all the men and women who serve in the military deserve to be recognized and that their sacrifices and dedication should be remembered, especially those who gave their lives in service.

Butt I also feel like there are many other people who give all, in different ways, and especially if you aren't an American, it can be very moving to honor and remember the heroes who have died in order to give you the life you live today.

Memorial day is all about the dead (we have other times to remember those who are still fighting), and being associated with wars makes honoring the dead tricky for some people.  No matter which side of the war you support (or if you support war at all), the dead still made the ultimate sacrifice.

What makes this even trickier, is sometimes they didn't have a choice in the matter.  Whether they were a solider who was conscripted, an innocent victim or some sort of auxiliary figure (we often forget about the support staff, when we think of wars and soldiers), not everyone who fought on one side of a conflict were there of their own volition.

This is even more true when we talk about non-traditional wars.  If we look at, for example, the war on drugs, most of the time the two sides that come to mind are doing drugs versus not doing drugs (the illegal kind).  But currently many places in the world are in conflict over what should constitute as a legal drug, and how to handle the illegal ones (and the recovery of the people who succumbed).  It is a complicated 'war' and there are many people who are suffering on both sides.  

The reason I feel that making an effort to remember the people who have died in the various wars (both historical and ongoing) is that it helps us humanize even the people who have opposing stances to us.  And by humanizing them, we keep a stronger hold on our own humanity.  The moment we start thinking of the enemy as 'less-than-human', we start considering actions that would be abhorrent to us under regular situations...and we all know that wars tend to escalate, so once one side takes a strong action, the other side will respond with an even stronger one.

We have seen this kind of escalation spill over into our streets, seen discussions turn into arguments, which turn into protests which turn into mob-induced-brawls.  The thing is, both sides (from their own point of view) want things to be 'better'...whatever that means to them.  And when we stop thinking of the other side as people, we stop being willing to listen.

Not every conflict can be avoided.  Sometimes people's views are absolute, they have no room for compromise.  But unless we listen to what they are saying, unless we are willing to step up to that table and try to talk, try to see things from their side and offer suggestions as to how both sides can better get along, we will never reach any kind of peaceful resolution.  Listening is always the first step (even if we are listening to determine if the other side is completely closed off).

We often say that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.  I think that part of studying history is seeing what our dead can teach us.  And every dead person has a story to tell.  Whether that story is one of hope or one of caution depends on the person, but you won't know unless you seek those stories out, and remember what caused their death.  Keeping their memories alive is how we avoid sending more people towards those same deaths.

Working with living things

 As Pagans and witches and other spiritual types, nature is often a big part of our practice.  We call upon nature to find spiritual allies, for spell and ritual ingredients and as sacred space.  And even though many of us view the world in an animistic way, we sometimes don't treat non-human things as if they were anything other than tools for us to us however we choose.

I have always thought it really interesting that so many spiritual people become vegetarian out of respect for animals, but seem to forget that plants have spirits as well.  It's like a magnification of the cute animal concept, how even people who eat meat often are fine eating cows and pigs, but if an animal is too cute (like baby animals) or one we typically keep as a pet (cats, dogs, guinea pigs) or one we think is smart (horses), people suddenly get really squirmy about eating them.  

I mean I get that it's easier to empathize with critters we are more familiar with, it makes sense that the more we interact with a particular thing, the more it becomes important to us.  It's the same reason why we care more for our loved ones than strangers (though we do typically at least recognize that strangers are still human lol).

But, if we are going to work with the spirits of things, we should treat them with proper respect.  And this means considering things like consent, especially when the being we are working with is still alive.  Many early books talk about this a little bit, when referencing things like sourcing wood to make tools out of, reminding us that we should not only ask permission, but leave a token of gratitude behind.

When we consider our relationship with the living world around us, there is often a natural give and take already in play.  If we grow a garden, we give the plants under our care space, water and other nutrients.  We tend to them, pulling up weeds and treating any issues they might have, protecting them from other critters who wish to feast on them, and in return we reap of their harvest.  When we have pets, we likewise care for them, and they care for us, in their own way.

Once we get beyond our personal spaces, however, sometimes we forget about these things.  We might collect a nice acorn we find, without thinking to ask if it wants to come home with us.  Maybe we see some pretty flowers and pick them to take home without leaving a gift in return.  Or we treat our spirit allies as servants, always at our beck and call, making demands of them and never doing anything for them.

 

 This is one of those things that just takes practice.  The more you do it, the more you will remember to do it.  And if you do forget, don't fret too much, just plan on taking a bit of time to apologize and leave a gift (kind of like if you accidentally assume a friend is willing to do you a favor, but you realize later you never asked them you just told them what you needed them to do for you, you would probably want to say you were sorry for assuming and do something nice for them to show how sincere your words are and how much you appreciate them).

I think it's also worth pointing out here that we need to step outside ourselves, when working with other living beings, and not always think about things from a human perspective.  Things that may seem weird to other people might be natural to other living beings.  As people, killing another person is not an acceptable action, and yet in the animal world, consumption is a way of life (and often helps keep the balance, if not even prey animals are eaten, they might not have enough food, and more will end up starving).  Of course any individual animal (or plant) doesn't want to be consumed, but the act of consuming isn't innately wrong or evil.

My personal experience is that gratitude and appreciation are often quite the worthy gifts.  Obviously don't strip an area clean of any particular plant, always leave enough that it can regrow, but when you do harvest or gather, think about why you are doing it.  Let your intentions help express your gratitude to the plants for their help in your work.

We are blessed with many allies on our path, and even though a good number of them aren't human, we can still find ways to work together.  It can take some effort, but the more you learn to honor and respect the other living beings you work with, the more rich your practice will be.

Mothering yourself

 

I know Mother's Day has come and gone, but I wanted to speak a little about the topic of mothers.  As an archetype, 'mother' is the one who loves you, unconditionally.  She is the one who will fight tooth and nail for you to succeed.  She will sacrifice from herself to help you grow.  She is there to dry your tears, shield you from nightmares and kiss any wounds to make them better.  She cooks nourishing food and slips you cookies.  If mom is there, all is right in the world.

 

And yet, in reality, no one can be all these things all the time.  Some mothers are none of these things, and people grow up with abusive experiences or no mother at all.  You may struggle to bond with your mother because you are too different (or too much alike).  You may only be able to appreciate your mother when you look back and remember things (that felt unfair at the time, but now you realize were actually for your own good).  You might find yourself wishing your mother was more like other mothers you knew (because we have envy for specific traits or we aren't seeing other people in their entirety).

This can all lead to a disconnect, not only from your mother (whether she is present in your life or not), but also from the idea of being cared for and safe.  Of course a lot of things factor into this, but learning how to seek out and nurture those 'little lost child' parts of ourselves, learning how to mother ourselves, can lead to us feeling more secure and grounded...and loved.

One of the images I find super useful is the 'council of selves', sort of a big round table where all the bits of me can meet and discuss stuff.  And you don't have to be a mother (or female) to have a mother aspect inside you!  Finding and connecting with the part of us that 'mothers' things can help us to call on her when we are feeling particularly vulnerable or in need of mothering ourselves.

It can be really hard to admit (even to ourselves) that we are hurting and need to be taken care of.  We are often so used to being in charge, to handling things and taking pride in being self-sufficient, that it can feel like a weakness to want someone else to step in for a bit.  And I'd wager a big part of those feelings do stem back to our inner child, who is constantly trying to prove how 'grown up' they are.

We can, and absolutely should, ask for help from other people when we need it.  It's super nice to be taken care of, especially when we are in a rough patch.  But we can't always get help from outside, and it's a really powerful thing to be able to care for yourself like you would care for someone else...to mother yourself and treat yourself as if you were a precious and beloved being for whom you wanted all the best in life.

The first step to mothering yourself is to really stop and see what you need, in that particular moment.  I've seen people talk about mom-sense before, how moms sometimes just know what's wrong, without you having to tell them.  So tune into your inner-mom-sense and figure out what's going on.

This is also where the mental image of the council of selves can be helpful.  Sometimes it's hard to be kind and loving and supportive of ourselves (especially when we are in a bad place), and stepping into that other self can give us a little distance and instead of thinking "What do I need", we can turn it into "If I were someone who loved me unconditionally, what would they want to do for me right now?"  Just that little switch can help us move past mental blocks we may have erected around feelings of insecurity or lack of self-worth.

If you are still struggling with this, try visualizing yourself as an actual child (maybe even a particular child that isn't you but whom you care about), or a beloved pet.  And think about what kinds of things you would do for them, just to show you cared.  Or try thinking of specific times in your past when you were most in need of mothering, and what you wished someone had done for you then.

The easiest part is actually doing the things, once you've figured out what to do!  Make yourself a decadent bath, with treats and bubbles, the whole nine yards.  Or fix a home cooked meal, perhaps one you have nostalgic feelings for (whether it was something you loved as a child, something you ate at a friends house and wished you could eat at home, or something you read about that just sounded lovely).  If you are feeling under the weather, lay out all the things you might need during the day (as if you were setting it up for someone else, trying to make sure they would have anything they might want while you weren't there to fetch it for them).  Draw yourself little love notes in your planner, send yourself cute stickers on messenger, trace hearts on your bathroom mirror after you shower.

No matter what kind of relationship you had/have with your mother, you can build a relationship with the mother inside, and mother yourself in the ways you have always wanted.  (pst, you can also do this even if you have a great relationship with your mother!)  We often get so caught up in doing what needs to be done, or taking care of others, spending some time mothering yourself is an indulgence we all need to engage in!

Just another day, and another year

 Every time I ask my husband what he wants to do for (insert celebration here, especially birthdays), he always says he doesn't care because it's "just another day."  And in the greater scheme of things, that's true.  As adults, we see birthdays different than we did as a child.  When we were younger, it was like the whole world shifted on that day.  You were special, everything revolved around you.  It even threw you off a little when parts of your day didn't change to suit your whims (like when you had school on your birthday...)

But the older we got, the less the world stopped on our birthday.  Sure, we often still had parties, and people made a fuss, but regular life definitely still went on.  Other than maybe getting a free desert with your dinner, nothing really changed in the world around you, especially with people that don't know you.  And that makes a bit of the shiny wear off of the day.

After all, why make a big deal about this one day?  It's not like we magically 'level up' on our birthday (though how cool would that be!)  We don't suddenly become wiser or better, or even really older (at least not any older than we get on any other day).

Because it's not really about the day itself, but what it represents.  Celebrating and recognizing your birthday is a nod to all you have done in the past year.  It's like your own personal New Year.  It's the perfect time to reflect back on how the previous year has gone, to set plans and goals for the coming year.

I also think it's important to give a moments thought to what we bring to the world.  We are celebrating our birth and existence...our continued place in the universe.  So what do we bring to the table?  And I don't think it's just about what we can give, but literally how does our presence change things?  What would the world be like without us in it?  What would our friends and family's lives be like if we were gone.

Perhaps I'm starting to feel my age, or perhaps it's a recent brush with health issues that is making me think along these lines.  But I think we often take ourselves for granted, and looking for what we provide, just by existing, is a powerful reminder of how far out the ripples go.  And sometimes, we can't see what's there until we consider what it would be like if it weren't there.

My birthday was a few days ago (the 3rd), and I'm doing birthday reflections this year (and anniversary, since it's the same day lol).  I am going to be pulling a few cards, to help me look at where I am right now, where I have come from and where I am going.

We don't take many opportunities to stop and appreciate our lives, and I think birthdays are a great time to do this.  It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, to just go through the motions and look up and realize that years have passed.  If we aren't careful we'll loose track of time and so much will have slipped through our fingers.  It's important to stop and take stock and just see how things are going.

I also feel that there is this tendency to just accept our current trajectory.  It's easy to just keep doing what we've been doing, but if we do....guess what will happen?  We like to put thoughts like this out of our head, because change is work and change requires admitting that what we are doing isn't working (or isn't working anymore).

Another part of acknowledging birthdays is accepting aging, something that can be hard to do.  It's a scary thing to be reminded that we don't know how long we have, and that we don't have forever.  We may try to cling to our youth and not make adjustments we really need to be making, to keep ourselves in good health.

I think part of our resistance in this area is the cultural pressure to be young and beautiful and perfect.  And once we stop being all of those (and seriously no one is ever all of those.....even super models are photoshopped!), we start feeling useless.  Taking time to really be honest with yourself about how the year has changed you helps maintain a realistic and healthy view of yourself.  It also helps you make good changes, because as the years pass, our needs change.  I can't do all of the things I could do when I was 20, and that's okay....just like it's okay for me to want to eat different foods or do different types of exercise now.

Even taking time to appreciate our purely physical selves can be an eye opener.  We see ourselves in the mirror every day, so the changes may not be obvious to us, or we may think they are more severe than they actually are (if it is something we may be obsessing over, like gray hairs).  Looking at a picture from your last birthday can make a neat little comparison project.  Journaling about both what you thought had changed and what hadn't changed as much as you though can change your perspective.  And always remember to list things you like as well as things you are upset about!

So, whether you prefer to keep your birthday low-key or party it up for your whole birth month, take some time to reflect on all that you are.  Appreciate how you impact the world, and look back to see what you have accomplished over the previous year (and further if you like).  See if there are things you need to adjust and decide how you want to live the next year.  But most of all, recognize that even though it is technically 'just another day', it is special to you, and that gives it meaning.