I actually dreamed about writing this blog. Sometimes, when I am laying down to sleep, and I know I have something to do the next day that requires some creative inspiration (like writing a blog!), I'll ask for inspiration while I dream. I had this dream about my mom and a sister (which I don't have...) getting into an argument, and struggling to overcome the emotions involved in order to work things out. And I remember clearly thinking, while dreaming, that this was what I was to blog about.
I almost scrapped it when I woke up. I thought it was something I have blogged about before (though a quick check over the last year and a half doesn't show any obviously similar blogs...I really need to get better with my blog labels). And I wasn't sure it really fit with the stuff I typically write about.
But the more I got to thinking about it, the more I was leaning towards writing it. As an empath, I deal with emotions all the time (both my own innate emotions, as well as borrowed ones). I also feel that we all interact with others in many different ways, and when emotions rear their heads, being able to navigate those emotions is helpful for anyone. And finally, if I am going to ask for inspiration I shouldn't ignore what I receive.
So, when thinking about emotions, I think there are three basic categories: personal emotions, borrowed emotions and other people's emotions. Personal emotions are ones that well up from inside of you, are inspired by experiences in your own life and are innate to yourself. Borrowed emotions are ones we feel because of some outside source. This is typically what I think of when I think of emotions bleeding over as an empath. If I see a commercial on the tv and start feeling emotional, that is a borrowed emotion, just as if I am around another person who is deep in an emotion so I start feeling it too. Other people's emotions are the things they are feeling and going through while you are interacting with them. Even if you aren't borrowing their emotion, trying to work with someone who is deeply sad or caught up in anger requires separate tools.
I think it best to start with personal emotions, as they are ours. Everyone feels stuff, and you may notice that you have certain emotions that you feel easier than others. I definitely have my share of anger (and the deep, brooding kind, not the flash in the pan kind) as well as a sort of baseline melancholy. Over the last couple of years, I feel like I have developed a lot of anxiety around different things. I definitely feel happy and content a lot of the time, but I also don't feel like those emotions need dealing with. When I have emotions I need to sort out it is almost always anger, sadness, anxiety/fear or confusion.
My basic process for working with emotions is to really express them. For me this typically manifests in two methods: physical expression and journal work. Physical expression doesn't always mean that I go outside and scream out my anger to the sky (although that can work..assuming that your neighbors don't call the cops on you), but it definitely involves some kind of physical action. Sometimes, if I know I am angry, but I also know that the thing I am angry about isn't worth making a fuss about (I do get angry for no good reason sometimes...especially when I'm emotionally off kilter and something small and trivial sets me off). At times like this, repetitive action works very well to help me burn off that emotion. So I clean! I will find something in the house that needs cleaned, and really go to town on it. But other repetitive things can work too: sewing, sanding, folding laundry...really anything that gets my body moving and lets my mind tune out.
I also like to dance as a form of physical expression. I'll load up a song that really fits my mood and start moving. It doesn't have to look pretty (I do this when I'm alone mostly), and you don't have to match the beat or anything. Just loose yourself in the music and move! Sometimes I'll sing along if I feel the need to.
But my favorite way to work through emotions is journaling. I've worked with quite a few different methods of journaling now, from more or less standard "write about what your feeling" to very specific techniques that use journaling as part of something bigger.
One of the first emotional journaling techniques I learned I called the brain dump. You grab some kind of paper (something that you can destroy later), and write everything and anything, as fast as you can. Scribble out your feelings! Write big and angry and fierce. Don't worry about grammar or anything like that, you can make little doodles if you need to, or just write single words. Just write until you feel like you are done. Once your page is written, you may want to do a little ritual of releasing. You can crumple up your page and hold it tight in your hands and whisper to it the reasons you appreciate the emotion but don't need it controlling you right now. You can bless the paper to transform the emotion into something else. Then you destroy it! Tear it into little pieces, burn it, flush it down the toilet, bury it in the back yard.
A slightly different version of this is the 'to whom it may concern' version. This time, you are writing a letter, to someone who is making you feel what you are going through. It may be to a specific person (your mother, an ex-partner, your gym teacher, your boss, the guy who cut me off on the road today, my younger self) or it may be a generic letter, addressed to the universe or to Divinity. In the letter, you pour out all the things you are feeling. You can say those things that you wish you could say (but often don't really mean) or the things you wish you had said (but didn't). These letters can be burnt as well, to send the message out into the world. I find this works really well when my emotion is directly aimed at a particular person.
I am really enjoying transformational journaling right now. I'll start by journaling about a topic, then I'll transform my journal page in some way. I may meditate on what I need to move forward and then paint or collage a new image over the words. Or I might tear up my journal page and use those pieces to make a mojo bag or paper mache them into a totem to further work with that emotion. The key here is to take the thing you wrote and turn it into something new, something that helps you further your work with that emotion.
When it comes to borrowed emotions, I find that the first thing I need to do is identify the source of the emotion (especially noticing that it is NOT my own emotion). Even if I use one of the same methods to work with the emotion, I need to be aware that it is from an outside source and not an internal one, because that changes how I respond to the emotion. If I treat a borrowed emotion as a personal one (or vice versa....) trying to work with it becomes much harder as I am not actually working with the source of the emotion, merely treating the symptoms (which often means it will come back).
I am extremely emotionally tied to the stories I encounter, in books and tv/movies. It is very common for me to identify quite strongly with a character, to the point of going through the emotional states they go through. Most of the time this isn't a problem....unless I don't finish the story! If I set a particularly moving book down when I am only halfway through, especially if the character I am identifying with is caught up in a big emotional conflict, I will find myself manifesting that emotion myself. The easiest way for me to fix this is to finish the story. But, if for some reason I can't, I can pick up another story and essentially overwriting the emotion with new ones (which I can then see to completion).
When borrowing emotions from other people, I definitely turn to shielding. I like knowing what other people around me are feeling, but I don't always want to be going through it myself. I also feel it is very important, especially when I am trying to interact with someone who is going through an emotion, that I not because lost in it myself. This becomes particularly counterproductive. If you have a friend who is sad and you want to help them, but instead you join in their misery, you may find yourself not able to actually help them. If you are in an argument with someone and you let their anger overcome you, it becomes much harder to present your perspective in a way that they will understand and appreciate.
My first step when shielding a borrowed emotion is definitely a deep breath and grounding/centering. I want to pull myself back into myself, so that I can separate what is me from what is coming from outside. For borrowed emotions, I think of my shields like glass: I can see what is going on outside them, but things can't get in to me. This way I can still empathize with the other person, but I am no longer borrowing their emotions and being effected by them.
Sometimes, a borrowed emotion will trigger a personal emotion though, and you will need to work with both sources at the same time. If you only work with one, you won't fully work through the emotion.
I think the hardest thing for many people to work with is other people's emotions. There is a tendency (especially with empaths!) to treat other people's emotions as you would your own. But not only do we all often respond to the same emotion in different ways.....other people's emotions aren't truly yours to deal with! We can work with other people and help them work out their emotions, or we can work around someone else's emotions, but the work of actually dealing with the emotion has to fall on them.
My husband and I are a great example of how emotions manifest differently in different people. He is very much a flash in the pan anger person. He will get set off by something (things that, to me, seem silly and inconsequential) and his anger will flare! He will get very angry, very quickly, and rant and rave. But two seconds later, once the stimulus is past, he is over it. Like absolutely over it, and confused by why I am still even thinking about it. I, on the other hand, stew. When something makes me angry, it will be like a little glowing coal deep inside me, and it will stay there for days or months. I may not look angry on the outside, but that anger is there, waiting to burst into flame.
If I try to treat my husband's anger like I do my own, it doesn't work. When I am really upset about something, I often want to talk about it. My husband, in the throes of anger, just wants to lash out and burn it off. Trying to talk to him just fans the fire. Instead, if I remove myself from the situation or tune it out, it passes quickly. So what I have found is that it is important to make sure you are thinking about other people's emotions from their own perspective, and not yours.
Sometimes this means that you have to give the other person time to work things through before you try to interact with them. I think this is especially true for both grief and anger. Some people need to figure things out on their own, before they can deal with other people. If you try to interact with them too soon, they lash out or close up, because they just aren't ready yet.
Other people need support, they need someone to help them drag themselves those first few steps. They may need a shoulder to lean on (or cry on). You may not need to do anything at all, just to be there. In this case, you might need to resist the urge to try to help them too soon. They may need to fully express their emotions before they can start to work on them.
Emotions are ultimately a very tricky and individual thing. Your emotions are different from my emotions, and I need to remember that when working with someone else who is in the throes of an emotion. But my own emotions also stem from many different sources and I need to do my best to fully understand where an emotion is coming from in order to work through it. And all anger isn't the same, what works for one situation might not work for another.
By figuring out your general process for identifying and working through emotions, you can have a roadmap that helps you plan out how to work with any particular emotion. Like any plan, you may have to adjust it along the way, but it will at least get you headed in the right direction. And the more work you do with your personal emotions, the better you will become at working with other people who are caught up in their own emotional crisis. Emotions can be overwhelming, but they don't have to be insurmountable!
No comments:
Post a Comment