Meddling

We live in a society that promotes meddling.  Through media and social convention, we are encouraged to not only take an interest in each other's lives and offer our thoughts and opinions, but in many cases to actively pronounce judgement and take action to support what we feel the 'right course of action' is.

If you think about the shows you watch on tv, it is very common for characters in just about every show, to do things that interfere with another characters life or choices because it is what they feel is best for the other person.  Meddling in another person's life is often not seen as being intrusive, but rather as being a way to show you care about someone.

Of course there is some basis for this kind of involvement in another person's life.  When we are children, our parents often made choices for us (frequently choices we would never have made for ourselves), because it was their job to make sure we were healthy and happy.  We weren't mentally or emotionally capable of making proper choices ourselves.  Ideally, as we grew up and developed, we would be allowed to make more and more choices on our own (including ones that perhaps were mistakes), until we moved out and became independent people who lived by our own actions.

But there is a growing trend for parents to keep making choices for their children, long beyond what might be considered reasonable.  And this trend is spreading out to other areas of life as well.  Some people think it is okay for you to make choices regarding your partner, lover or even friends. 

It can be really hard to watch the people we care about make choices that we feel are wrong for them, especially if we truly believe that those choices will lead to them getting hurt and we feel like we can see a better choice.  But I think it is really tricky ground when we start pushing our opinions and choices on each other.

In the first place, my path and perspective might not be the same as yours, no matter how close you feel we are or how well you think you know me.  I don't always tell the people around me why I do the things I do, and sometimes I have very deeply personal reasons for doing things that don't seem to make a whole lot of sense (or flat out seem to be bad choices).  Other people have no way of knowing what my reasons are, and as a fully functioning adult, I shouldn't have to justify my own personal choices to other people.

Even if this means that I make mistakes.  I don't think our role in other people's lives is to protect them by choosing for them, but rather to offer our perspective and insight when asked, and to be there to support them if they are going through a rough patch or dealing with a bad choice they made.

I think it is almost vital in life to make bad choices.  I think this is especially true for children.  Bad choices are one of the ways in which we learn how to make good choices.  If we are never allowed to make mistakes, we may never truly understand why some actions are bad, especially if we are shielded from the fallout of any bad choices we actually manage to make.

Of course, parent's should do their very best to keep their children from true harm, but I think there is a big difference between keeping them safe and swaddling them in cotton.  Skinned knees hurt, but they aren't ultimately harmful.  And you have to balance the odds of getting hurt with the joys of actually living.  Learning to ride a bike may lead to skinned knees, but it is also great fun and most people would agree that it is silly to forbid children from riding bikes just because they might (or will) fall while learning to ride them.

It becomes even harder when you know someone who habitually makes the same mistakes, no matter how many times they have been cautioned.  But I think that it is healthy, not only for ourselves, but for other people as well, for us to take a step back sometimes.  This may even mean that you have to stop yourself from rushing in to pick up the pieces when things go badly.  It can be hard, and it can lead to bruised feelings.  People expect to be helped in times of trouble, and if they couldn't see how their bad choices were repeating, they may not be able to recognize that it was their own choices that led them to the misfortune they are experiencing now.  When you fail to help them out of the hole they dug and jumped into, they may feel betrayed, and that can be hard on you.

This also applies to magical workings.  People always caution about not doing spells that effect other people, because taking away someones choices is a form of harm.  And I do think that can often be the case.  We may have great intentions, but the moment we start casting (without permission), we are essentially deciding that we know better than the other person about what is best for them.

There is a definite line between not using magic to 'help' people we care about and not using magic to protect ourselves.  I am absolutely okay with people using magic to prevent other people from abusing them, even if this limits another person's behavior.  Just like I would be okay with using physical means to do the same.  If you are trying to cause me harm (intentionally or unintentionally), I have every right to defend myself.

And again, there is a tricky line here, between defending yourself and thinking that you should 'teach them a lesson'.  For me, it all comes back to where my mind is at.  If my focus is on getting someone to leave me alone, I don't feel I am out of line.  But though others may learn through me, I don't think it is my place to pass judgement on others.

Sometimes I wonder if divinity looks down on us and thinks "I wish I could just make them see!"  Especially when I notice that I am making the same errors, over and over, and part of me wishes that I could just stop.  I want some greater power to do something magical so that I don't have to struggle with the issues that I am struggling with.  But then I realize that is exactly what I try to avoid doing for other people.

We all have our own stuff, our own trials and our own dark nights.  We can't fix things for other people, because no matter how many times you pull someone out of a thing, until they can start seeing how the choices they make are dragging them right back down, they won't be able to stay out of it.  And all you will do is wear yourself out trying to pull them away from the thing they are running towards.

Ultimately, all we can do is focus on our own path, our own lives and our own choices.  We can love the people in our lives, give them honest advice and insight when they ask for it, and be there for them when they need us, but we can't choose for them.