Our relationship with food

 

When we think of food holidays, Thanksgiving is often top of the list.  While it definitely has a questionable history, in the modern era it has become an excuse to stuff yourself on more food than we should probably be eating.  And (in the US at least), we have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food, not only when we think about the types of foods we eat but also the quantities.

Portion size is a huge problem in many parts of the world.  In some places, 'traditional' foods were designed for people who were going out to work hard labor all day, and so needed a hearty, calorie rich meal to see them through.  While of course many people still do labor intensive jobs, many of our modern jobs aren't as physical as they used to be (especially for anyone who has a desk job or works at the computer all day), and so our dietary needs can be quite different from our ancestors.

We also have access to a TON more processed foods, foods high in things we don't need a ton of:  salt, sugar and fat.  Yes, these things are highly craveable, addictive and enjoyable to eat, but they shouldn't be the bulk of our diet.  Sadly, for many people, these foods are also more affordable and available, and if you are limited in budget or depending on where you live (and how much time/money you have to spare just traveling to find better food options), you may be stuck with trying to do the best you can with whatever processed foods you can afford and manage to purchase.

The real kicker about healthy food options is most people know (at least in general) what foods are healthy and which ones aren't so good for us.  But we have been socialized to crave the less healthy foods, and simultaneously shamed for eating them (which leads to a lot of complicated emotions and often some negative self-talk, even if you are honestly doing your best to eat in a way that is good for you and within your budget).

One of the first things I think that we need to do, to repair our relationship with food, is to really look at which foods you like (and don't like)...and why.  I also feel that it is important to keep trying foods we may not be super excited about, as I have found there are quite a lot of foods that I enjoy when prepared a specific way, but don't really care for when prepared in other ways.  Many people haven't enjoyed foods at their prime or prepared in a way that really highlights their best qualities, and so they think they don't like things that they very well may love (if cooked the right way).

But of course we all have personal preferences as well, so there may be dishes that we will never enjoy.  And sometimes those foods are part of a 'traditional' spread, and so we feel more guilt when things like Thanksgiving roll around and we are torn with deciding whether or not to cook and eat the traditional foods (that we don't enjoy) or breaking from tradition and making foods we relish.  Personally, I'm never a fan of eating foods because we 'should' (with the very small exception of religiously significant bites, but even then, if it's a huge no for you, then it's a no!).

This is a bit more complicated when we talk about family, especially if you have a family that really gets into tradition and is hosting a family dinner where you know there will be dishes you don't care for (but you may be expected to eat because "Aunty worked really hard to cook this for us all, and you need to be polite and eat it and tell her how much you like it").  This is one place where I think we ALL need to do better.  We can politely decline (and bring a dish that we know we will enjoy eating if we also know there will be a lot of foods we won't wish to eat), and we can be understanding when someone prefers not to eat something we have made, no matter how hard we worked on it.

I also want to talk a little bit about something I've recently been learning about:  safe foods.  For some people, food is more than just a matter of not liking something.  Food distress can be intense, can stop people from eating certain foods and can lead to a lot of food related mental health issues.  Safe foods are ones that are quite literally that:  safe.  They are often foods that are processed (because they are made the same way, and thus you can expect the experience of eating them will be how you remembered it, as opposed to things like fruit which can vary highly depending on how ripe they are or things like that).  

Safe foods often remind me a bit of comfort foods (and a safe food can definitely be a comfort food!).  Comfort foods are ones that we turn to when we aren't feeling so good and just want to feel cozy and cared for.  Quite often they are either indulgent (like a guilty pleasure), or have strong memories attached to them (like the soup your mom always made for you when you were sick).  And we can give ourselves guilt about these foods too, even as we seek them out for comfort (especially if your comfort food is one that is not technically 'healthy').

We should try to have the best relationship with food that we can, and also try to not beat ourselves up for the ways in which our eating habits aren't ideal.  This may look like trying small bits of new foods, even if you are unsure, and it may also mean not letting yourself feel bad for turning to a safe or comfort food.  It means being mindful of how you eat, and how you think about the way you eat, and how society's views on how you eat impact your mental health.

While there are a million people out there who may try to tell you how and what you should be eating, at the end of the day, you are responsible for feeding yourself, and only you can know how the foods you eat truly effect you.  Part of being an adult means being honest with yourself about your actions, your motivations and your thoughts, and trying to improve (even just a tiny amount) when you can.

So keep that in mind this Thanksgiving, or at any other family dinner, feast or even meal you eat by yourself:  that you not only get to decide what you want to eat, but you must live with the consequences of those choices.  And you are the only one who can balance your needs, cravings and desires.  It may not be easy, but if you work on it, you may just find that your life is improved by your willingness to work on your relationship with food.

Hollow Holidays

 

 There are a lot of holidays we celebrate, whether religious or not, that have become nothing more than an excuse to party (and maybe get time off work/school).  But treating holidays as nothing but reasons to party means we loose a lot of what made them important in the first place.  If we are going to celebrate something, celebrate it!  This doesn't mean we can't have a party or enjoy ourselves, but some of our time should be spent actually doing something relevant to the reason for the holiday.

Take Veteran's day, for example.  Many people observe Veteran's day in name only.  Maybe they fly a flag or visit graves (though that really is more of a Memorial day thing), and many places do offer discounts for Veterans (or a complimentary meal, which is lovely), but quite a lot of people don't do anything that either helps or remembers our Veterans.  And sadly we do this for a lot of other holidays as well.

There are a lot of ways we can celebrate with action instead of just window dressing.  It all starts with looking into the whys of a holiday.  What does it celebrate, why did it become a holiday, who does it honor?  And often looking into the whys uncovers a whole trove of historical activities we can do that tie into the roots of the celebration!  We don't have to follow historical traditions by rote either, we can totally update and modernize our observances, but knowing how people used to do things can help us continue to uphold those traditions, in our own way.

As witchy folks we have even more ways of taking action that supports a holiday.  We can include spells and rituals designed to create change in ways that align with the holiday we are celebrating.  We can share stories and raise awareness (because the more people who understand why our holidays are important, the more people there are that might also act in a way that affirms the meaning of the holiday).

Even something as simple as taking a moment to talk about why the holiday was started can create a meaningful moment.  We can tie in that meaning to our decorations and leisure activities too, much like if you look into the history of Halloween or Winter holiday decorations you can learn about the traditions and folklore that inspired them.  With added intention, our decorations can become more than just pretty things to hang about, they can build layers of understanding all around us.

 

I feel like some people think that honoring a holiday makes it less 'fun' or means they can't relax and have a good time.  And there may be holidays that are more solemn for you as you learn more about them.   But I don't think we loose anything by having less reasons to party (and honestly, if you want to have a party, just have a party, no need to tie it into an observance that may be very heart-wrenching for others).  Taking the time to honor both the good and the bad lets us appreciate the good times even more, because we have those darker moments to contrast them against.  

It's also okay to recognize that some holidays are mixed blessings.  They may not be so black and white, fun or serious, but they may have bits of both.  And we can build time for serious reflection and time for boisterous fun into our celebrations...if we understand the many facets that make up a holiday.  In fact, this can create some truly memorable holidays, by leaning into the complexity of the holiday instead of just picking one part of it and turning it into a caricature.

The more layers of meaning we invest in a celebration, the more nuanced our celebrations become.  We can enjoy them on multiple layers, and not only have a wonderful experience with family and/or friends, but also have meaningful times to reflect on different issues or moments in time.  We can turn what was once a hollow holiday into a time of true connection.

Balancing your practice

There is an old saying, "The witch who can not hex, can not heal."  And I think it's such a great example of the balance that we need in our lives, and our practices.  I also think it's interesting to note that it doesn't say that you SHOULD hex anyone, just that if you don't know how that hinders your ability to heal.  

Look, I'm not saying that in order to have a healthy spiritual practice that you need to delve into all the horrible things that are out there in the world (because we know that people do horrible things, often in the name of spirituality), but I am saying that if you refuse to see the darkness that is present in yourself and in your practice that you are keeping the blinders on and you can't be fully formed if you refuse to see all that there is to see.

All things in life have two sides, and much like a coin, there is no line separating the two....it is one coin, all that changes is your perspective...both sides are a part of the whole.  In every horrible thing, there is some spark of light, and in every wonderful thing there is some potential for badness.  It is by recognizing and accepting that bit that we can truly embrace the whole.

For most of us, shadow practice fills this role in our path.  It is a way we can work with the darker parts of ourselves..in a way that allows us to maintain our boundaries and remain in control of our actions.  But I also feel that doing shadow work on ourselves helps us to see those broken bits in other people...and to have compassion and understanding when dealing with behavior that is less than ideal.

It sucks, but sometimes we have to be the bigger person, and part of that is recognizing when someone is acting from a place of hurt.  It doesn't mean we have to accept their actions, but it definitely helps us balance our own mental health when we can see that the behavior isn't always intended, but sometimes a reaction to something else.  If we never look inside and seek out those broken bits of ourselves, we can't see them in other people either.

One of the things I've always loved about Paganism is that there is a place for the dark and the light in it.  We work with the cycle of the year, and with nature, and both have a time for growth...and a time for death.  There is darkness, harshness and pain in the natural world, but there is also light and joy and wonder.  Even our deities often have both good and bad sides to them, embracing both the positive and negative aspects of themselves.  And having complicated deities like this allows us to better accept that complexity in ourselves...because if even the Gods have dark sides, then ours don't make us bad people....just people.

When it comes to working with both the light and dark in your practice, I definitely think that turning to nature is very helpful.  We can look at the world and see how the things that we might have turned away from initially just fit.  Death, violence, fear...these things all have a place in the natural world.  Death creates change, which combats stagnation, and makes room for new growth.  Violence can be used for aggression, but also for defense, and among animals can help maintain social order and weed out those who can't work with the group.  Fear can be a tool to avoid violence or a way to encourage survival (animals often fear dangerous things like fire).

On a more personal level, learning to be grateful for things that are sometimes seen as negatives can help bring a more balanced perspective to your path.  When I do gratitude work, I am not always grateful for only things that are traditionally 'good'.   I am grateful for the bright spots in my life, but I am also grateful for the darkness.  At the start, I was mostly grateful for the ways my negative traits could benefit me (like I am pretty stubborn, and that means that once I get my head set on a thing, I'll work until it's done), but I have learned to be grateful for even the most rough parts of myself...simply because they are part of me.  I have a lot of mental struggles, but even though my life would be much easier without them...I wouldn't be me, so I am grateful for those hard parts of my self, and how they fit with the rest of me.

One thing to remember, is that balance doesn't mean equal.  You can find balance in all kinds of ways.  Balance might mean working the whole of a cycle, releasing or banishing something, then building up something new.  It might mean doing work to fight back against people who are trying to take advantage of you (especially if they are counting on the fact that they think you won't fight back).  It might mean forgiving yourself for allowing bad behavior towards you while reinforcing your boundaries so that it doesn't happen in the future.  It might mean cutting out people who refuse to accept their own darkness (because we aren't responsible for other people's work, only our own boundaries).

The world is full of both darkness and light, and without either one it would be a much worse place.  Finding a place for both the good and the bad (and sometimes the ugly) in our practice is one more way to embrace all that life has to offer.  Accepting the easy and hard parts of ourselves gives us the room to grow and become the amazing, incredible person we are meant to be and it also grants us the ability to see the complexity in other people and to accept them without compromising ourselves.  It is well worth it to explore what balance means to you, and to work that into your practice.  Because if your practice doesn't reflect all of you, and if you aren't whole inside....how can it meet all your needs?

Modern spell ingredients

 

 There is this concept, in many magical circles, that man-made stuff isn't suitable for magic.  If you consider most correspondence lists, or spells/rituals that have been published, the stuff you need is almost always natural.  And personally, I find this to be a silly restriction to limit yourself with!

I think that when we consider the history of witchcraft, we are talking about a practice that flourished among the common people...in that it wasn't something that required fancy schooling, expensive stuff or anything like that.  And I think that's why so many magical workings use natural ingredients (and if you look into it, they used local ingredients)...because they were there, relatively easy for anyone to get...and free.

Today, we are in the almost opposite situation.  Many witchy folks don't live near large natural places, where they can harvest whatever they may want or need.  In fact, many of us probably didn't know that much about different plants and animals...until we became Pagan and started learning.  It's just not an everyday thing for us now.

Instead, what we have familiarity with is man-made things.  We know what they are used for, and sometimes we understand how they function better than we understand the natural world.  But we still turn our nose up at using modern and man-made things, as if they can't hold magic.  

What makes this extra strange, is there are some things that have managed to escape being put into the 'non-magical' box.  We embrace the magical nature of candles, of bottles/boxes, of blades and chalices, of mass printed tarot cards or machine tooled stones.  And if you think about it, these are all things that were the 'technology' of our ancestors.  They embraced new things that people made, and they used what they had at hand.

So what does this mean for us?  Well, my personal opinion is that we should do the same...we should look at the world around us, at the stuff we already use every day, and take inspiration for our magic from there!

First, let's think about some of the man-made stuff we already accept as magical.  Let's talk candles.  While we often use candles as a representation of fire, they were also a light source.  Using a candle for a spell meant you could see (especially when you remember that a lot of old magic suggests doing things at night...and without modern lighting, that would make it pretty dark, especially if the moon wasn't present.  Using modern lighting, instead of candles, isn't that far of a leap to make, and we have so many really cool lighting options now that make it even more of a customizable tool for magic!

Keys are another thing that we have accepted as magical, but again, when you talk about keys (in magical terms), the mental image is almost always of the old, skeleton key style.  And while those have their charm, modern keys give us a lot of different options.  We can use car keys for things involving movement, house keys for protection, padlock keys (or padlocks!) for security or secrecy.  We could use a key blank as a universal opener.  We can even get a bit creative with non-physical 'keys'....with our passwords!  Give them a magical twist to enhance your personal security...or to enchant whatever the password unlocks (want your bank account to be more prosperous....work that into your password!)  A nice side-effect of this is often our magical words are not easy to guess (so harder to hack)!

A lot of spells include paper, and we often see specific types of paper requested, whether it is handmade or brown paper.  But we have paper all around us!  We could use magazine pages (pick the page based on your intent), old bills (for work associated with the bill), printed pages (the sky is the limit, find pictures that fit or type out some train of thought about the topic...you can also print over stuff, so you can layer multiple things on the same page).  These are especially great for doing dream boards or wish work...collect images that feed your goals!

I personally find toys to be a wonderful source of inspiration.  Often they come in a huge range of shapes and sizes, many times they move (so you can position them in the way that works best for you).  And many toys come built in with meaning (correspondences!) that may reach back into our childhood.  Think about it...we weren't raised on fairy tales or legends, we were raised on cartoons and tv shows...so those characters are going to have deep rooted meaning for us.  Why not tap into that, and use symbols that resonate with your inner child.

I know that many people love having their magic stuff feel magical, and that it being a bit anachronistic makes it feel more special (because it's NOT stuff we use everyday).  There is absolutely nothing wrong with building your practice like this....IF it's what speaks to you.  But if you struggle with finding herbs or stones, why not try looking towards modern stuff?  See if it will also work for you.  Because sometimes, working with what is always at hand makes things feel more magical...since now everything in your life can be infused with magic!

Offerings

 

Many people include offerings as a part of their practice.  These could be offered up to the divine, to spirits, to ancestors or even simply to the earth.  The type of things that are offered up vary as widely as the people doing the offering...and those receiving it. Offerings range from simple and quick to elaborate and extravagant.

So, what is the purpose of an offering...what role does it play in your practice?  There are lots of reasons why people make offerings, and your path may influence how you think about offerings, but there is often still lots of room to have your own relationship with the idea of offering.  Some consider offerings to be a way of 'feeding the gods' and see it as a way to give back for all of the lovely influence our deities have in our life.  Others see them as tokens of affection, similar to how you might give a friend or loved one a gift just to let them know you are thinking about them.  Another perspective is that offerings are part of the relationship between you, sort of the social construct of witchy work (I work with this being, so they expect offerings).

As you can see, there is a lot of variance in how people think about offerings.  And each one has it's own nuances about what types of offerings might be expected.  As I mentioned before, there are lots of traditional offerings, and many deities have commonly accepted offerings that are strongly associated with them.  However, many people also find their own offerings...through their personal interactions with a particular being.  Especially for ancestor work, if you had a special thing that you shared with someone, that would make a beautiful offering!

A less often talked about thing, when it comes to offerings, is your personal circumstances.  Many people would love to make fancy offerings, but may not be able to afford them.  There is a bit of a misconception out there, that the more elaborate the offering, the 'better' it is.  But offerings come in SO many shapes and sizes and I personally feel that something offered up from the heart, with pure intent, has more spiritual 'weight' than a fancy offering that has no thought or emotion behind it.  

Ethics can also come into play, when we talk about offerings.  Perhaps a traditional offering is something we no longer find acceptable (like animal sacrifices).  Or it may be a personal thing, like not wanting to use alcohol as an offering because you have issues with alcohol.  I struggle with leaving out food offerings because of a combination of issues about leaving food out and food wastage.

And I think that if you have reservations about a particular offering, that will flavor the offering.  It's like giving a gift that you don't really want to give...sometimes the other person can tell.  If you are conflicted about your offering, think about what that says about the relationship.  The tricky bit is that sometimes, we are called to give offerings that we may have thoughts about, and part of the offering is making that personal sacrifice (like when you know your friend isn't as into a particular activity as you are, but they offer to come with you because they love you and know you want someone to do it with).  You are the only person who can decide if an offering is something you are willing to make, and how much out of your comfort zone you are willing to go.

Don't be afraid to try different offerings!  Most of the time, when we are making offerings, it is with a being we are wanting to work with.  If we offer something that isn't idea, we might get feedback that will let us know that something else is desired.  Or we may just get a feeling that the thing we offered wasn't as well received as we might have liked.  If you feel that way, it's a good time to check in and what might be a better fit.  Use whatever means you prefer to communicate, this might be a good time for divination or visualization!

I think it's important to remember that offerings are part of a relationship...they are a way of building it up and reinforcing the connection between you.  Which means that your personal boundaries are important!  If you feel like you need to offer something you simply are not comfortable with, then be vocal about it.  Be clear about why you can not offer the thing desired, and try different options to find something that might be acceptable instead.  If there can be no compromising, then you really have to ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship.

Offerings can be a wonderful part of your practice, and can be a great tool for deepening the relationships you have built within your path.  But we still need to make sure that all aspects of our practice fit with our lives (and our personal moral compass).  So don't be afraid to try new things, to negotiate your personal boundaries, and to ask what other things might be favorable options for an offering.

Giving without loosing yourself

 

 Lammas is around the corner, and it's a time of year when I always thing of generosity and bounty.  And sometimes, especially when you don't have a lot, it can be hard to feel like you are embodying that generous spirit.  Especially when we feel pushed (often by society) to 'give'...when we might not have enough ourselves.  Navigating the line between generosity and your personal boundaries can be quite tricky!

I think the first step is always to start with an honest evaluation of where you are.  Many of us feel like we are in a bad place, and obviously this is true for many of those people.  But sometimes, we feel like we are in a place of want, and then when we actually sit down and take a personal accounting, we realize there are a lot of ways in which we have more than we thought we did.

And this (taking a personal accounting) can be a great way to recognize where in your life you have some extra.  Maybe you like to cook in huge batches, and then get tired of it before you can eat it all...and perhaps you can invite friends over to share in your meals (not only helping them if they are struggling, but also saving you from having to eat the same thing for a week straight!).

But it also lets you become aware of any deficits.  To continue the previous example, maybe you have a little garden and you got in a bumper crop of tomatoes.  You talk it over with some friends and agree that they will drop off some other ingredients or bring side dishes, and you will make up a big batch of spaghetti or chili.  Everyone can enjoy it, people can bring some home, but everyone can contribute what they can to the meal as well.  

The important thing is to not fall into the trap of  "other people have it worse so I should always give to someone who is worse off than me".  This is where personal boundaries must be enforced.  If I honestly am struggling to pay bills and buy the necessity stuff, then I might not be in a place to give money to a homeless person.  Yes, they are absolutely worse off than me, but there are also a lot of people in the world worse off than me, and if I try to help them all, I will need help myself.

Instead, try to find the places where you can share a little.  Maybe that means finding things that you don't need anymore and donating them to shelters or outreach programs.  Maybe it means offering your time and labor to help in a community project.  Maybe you can connect people who are in a position to help with those who need it.

Even if you have nothing physical to give, you may be able to share information.  Help people in need find programs that will be able to help them.  Pass along good articles on ways to stretch resources or upcycle things.  When you find tips that work, save them and share them!

We tend to think of our harvest in a literal way.  It is the stuff we have (money, food, items...stuff).  But we are so much more than our stuff!  We have compassion, we have love, we have understanding.  Sometimes, what people need is simply to be treated like a person.  They want to talk about what they are going through and they want someone to listen.  They may not even want help (in the traditional sense), but might need a little compassion.  

And even though we are talking about non-physical stuff, you still need to remember your boundaries!  If you are already exhausted after taking care of your own life (you know:  job, family, self-care), then you may not have energy to give.  Or maybe you have time, but no emotional energy (or vice versa).  Sometimes navigating your boundaries means negotiating different ways to help.  Just remember that if you wear yourself out, you can't help anyone (especially yourself!)

Each and every one of us deserves to have enough.  And when you have enough, you can start sharing the extra (and that includes both stuff and non-stuff).  If we start thinking more like a community filled with individuals instead of just a bunch of people stuck in the same place together, it becomes easier to care about strangers...and when you care, you want to help!

So start by taking stock.  See where you stand, where you lack and where you have extra.  And talk to people!  Start with those you know.  See where your lacks and extras overlap.  And then reach even further out.  Think about what you have extra of and where that could help.  If more of us approached life like this, just imagine the amazing world we could create!

Negotiating differences

 

We live in a world with a huge amount of variety and differences between people.  In fact, I would bet that no one can name a single person who actually agrees with them on everything (even if they claim they do...often to avoid confrontation).  But for all the differences we have, most people also have never learned how to actually get along with people who are fundamentally different to us.

It is natural to tend to clump together with people who are more like us than not.  But the simple fact that someone is different doesn't make their differences bad.  I feel this is one big factor that many people just can't accept.

First, I think it's important to start at a basic understanding.  I, as an adult person, do not have the right to tell any other adult person how they should be living their life, AS LONG AS they are not trying to hurt or control other people.  It is not our job to police other people.  

 

Now of course nothing is as simple as that (sadly).  People often have different ideas of what constitutes harm, and we also have varying ideas about how to handle issues with kids (who can't always advocate for themselves).  But we have to start somewhere!  

 

We also have to learn to separate fact from opinion...and this is something a lot of people struggle with.  The thing about facts is that they don't care if you believe in them or not....they simply are.  Facts also don't have exceptions.  So if you are trying to argue about a thing, and keep finding outliers....it might be time to ask yourself if you might be trying to argue an opinion, and not a fact.

Once we get down to opinions, then things get tricky.  Because opinions are things that are true for YOU, but not necessarily for anyone else.  I can like, or not like a thing, but that doesn't make the thing good or bad...it just means it's not right for ME.  

And a very common attitude is that everyone else should adapt so that everything is right for ME.  The issue with that is that we can't all be the center of the universe.  And I honestly think no one should have that perspective.  ((even in special occasions...like when it's your birthday or wedding....it's okay to want to feel special, but if you feel like other people OWE you their misery just so you can be happy...that's not cool))

We share so many spaces and experiences in life, and we find ourselves in situations where we find ourselves in conflict with others.  We all end up in situations where compromise is the best course.  And it's been a pretty common thing in recent years for people to make their own struggles everyone else's problem.

Often, when we gather, there is someone who is in charge of the space.  This might be the actual owner (in the case of a store or home), but it could also be an organizer (in the case of an event).  And whoever is in charge of the space can set ground rules:  expectations that people in that space are expected to comply to.

We see this a lot when it comes to ritual hosting.  Especially since Paganism is such an open faith, and we each decide how we want to walk our path.  But when we come together, we need some structure to help everyone get along.

So, lets say we are going to be attending a ritual that is being held at a local park.  The ritual leader has let everyone know that alcohol will not be permitted (as per the rules of the park), but that it is also going to be an adult only event, and everyone present needs to be 18+.  They let everyone know that it is open to all genders, and that Loki will be honored at the ritual.

Having these kinds of rules gives everyone attending a sense of what will be going down, and what they can expect to experience.  As someone who wants to go to this event, if I disagree with the rules I can absolutely ask if exceptions can be made.  But, if the ritual leader explains that the rules are there for a reason, it isn't within my rights to demand that the rules be changed...even if that means I can't attend.

 

It doesn't matter if my personal beliefs state that drink must be offered at all rituals.  It doesn't matter if I'm a single mom with no one to watch my toddler.  It doesn't matter if I think that my 17 year old is mature enough to attend.  It doesn't matter if I am not comfortable with men being present.  It doesn't matter if Loki terrifies me.

 

On the other hand, the ritual leader doesn't have the right to tell people they have to come (and abide by the rules of the ritual).  It is every person's right to decide if they can abide by the rules of the situation...or not. 

So when you find yourself in a situation where there is disagreement, first look for actual harm.  Then consider whether or not the thing in disagreement is a fact or opinion.  Make sure you know the rules of the space you are in, and then talk about what accommodations could be made.  And if you still aren't comfortable....then it's okay to just leave.

When to fight back

 

We do not live in a world that embraces differences, no matter how much some of us would prefer it.  In fact, we live in a world where differences and being 'outside the norm' (which often translates to "not what the people in power/with money believe") can lead to people being treated as 'less than' (whether that means simply mocked verbally or something more sinister where life and liberties are threatened or taken away).  

 

As Pagans, we are often faced with the decision of how to respond these situations...either on our own behalf or on the behalf of others (because it has been my experience that many Pagans want everyone to flourish, and will defend anyone who is being wrongfully attacked).  And many Pagans have very strong ideas about when and for what magic (or petitioning our Gods) should be invoked.  Some believe that magic shouldn't be used to promote conflict, or should never be used to impact other people without their permission, or simply that it shouldn't be politicized.

 

However, refusing to take a stand is a passive way of agreeing with whatever the dominant voice is (yes, this is a highly controversial stand, but I absolutely believe that if things are happening that cause any person or group to be treated in a particular way, and I don't do anything to refute it...I am helping to create an environment where such actions are allowed to take place.  By not even voicing my disagreement, by not standing up for what I feel is wrong, I am complacent in the actions, even though I am not directly taking part.

 

Now, personally, I have a lot of feels about this topic.  I think we should all stand up for...and fight for...people who are struggling to fight for themselves.  This means any group that is outnumbered, misunderstood, or targeted out of spite.  I also believe that using magic (and that includes petitioning my deities) for things I would take physical action towards is fine (in my head, magic isn't it's own moral category...if I would stand for something, I can do it with all the tools at my disposal and spiritual stuff counts too).

I know that everyone has their own limits, so there are lots of things you can do and still honor your own boundaries in this matter.  If you feel like you shouldn't force your views on other people (regardless of how misguided you feel the other side is), there are things you can do that still protect those who are vulnerable.

I think it's important to draw a line between "not wanting to restrict other people's agency" and "not allowing other people to force their beliefs on others".  There is a very big difference between trying to force someone to agree with your point of view and stopping them from outright harassing others. 

Another wonderful thing to do is to simply help the people who are being mistreated.  This might mean working to provide safe spaces where people can feel free from judgement or harm.  It might mean working to make sure that more people have access to health care, mental health care, food, shelter, clothes.  

It might mean becoming more vocal, using your voice (and sometimes the privilege of not being in the minority group that is being targeted) to spread information and empathy.  This could include writing to policy makers, taking to social media, or helping marginalized people share THEIR voices (remember, if you aren't part of the victimized group, your goal should be to help them not talk over them).

And it could mean working with specific deities who would step up to this cause.  Making offerings and asking for aid can be done on your own, or you could share what you are doing (and invite others to join in).  This can become a really powerful community effort, and can grow into an amazing vehicle for change.

Things like spell jars or vision boards can also be great ways to use magic to address a situation.  Small works of art, like painted rocks or stickers, or even posters, can be put out into the world (and can be done anonymously if you don't want to put a target on yourself).  

One thing I think it is important to be mindful of is to not make attacks personal.  This is something we have seen SO much in politics, and it's so ridiculous...instead of fighting back against the idea that a person is spreading, they make attacks on their personal character.  Not only does this open you up to people using the same tactics on you, it also side steps the actual issue.  If your focus is on attacking the people (and their personal lives) who are causing the problem, you aren't actually addressing the problem.  If you succeed and 'win' against the figurehead, the actual issue still exists and your actions haven't done anything to make it better.

Instead, focus your energy (both metaphysical and physical hehe) on the actual issue.  This is the only way that true progress happens, by opening people's eyes to the harmful (and almost always false) information that is accepted as 'true' and teaching people to respect each other, regardless of their personal disagreements.  (and it is hard to get people to respect you when you are slinging personal barbs at them).

As Pagans, I think we understand very well what it is like to be persecuted for things that we aren't even doing.  We have the ability to stand up for others in this world, and I absolutely believe that if you have that ability then you should be using it...because to idly sit by while others are harmed and to do nothing....is one of the reasons why our world has become so fractured and so confrontational.  If we only stand up for ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to help us when we need it?

What does independence mean?

 

 In America we talk about independence a lot..but I feel like we've lost so much of it's meaning.  We speak as if freedom means being 'free' from rule, and yet, we are ruled by so many things in life.  We have laws that we must follow, financial restrictions, and lately so many social issues where groups argue over who has the right to do what.

Most of us live, have always and will always live as a part of society.  Even if we may feel isolated from time to time, we are still impacted by the people around us.  And being part of a community can bring both levels of independence and levels of dependence.

In this modern age, we are reliant on money to live.  We have to trade our time, energy and often resources to make money to pay for the things that are necessary for life (food, shelter, etc).  And we like to think that, if we can pay all our bills, we are 'independent'.  But I think that much of that independence is an illusion.

So many people are one tragedy away from disaster.  What that tragedy is may differ from person to person.  For some, it may mean any unexpected issue, like having your car break down or needing to buy a new appliance.  For others, it may mean saying the wrong thing and loosing their fan base (and thus their income).  And all of us are one accident away from disability.  And we are not set up, as a society, to help everyone become independent, so once you reach a threshold of dependence, it is virtually impossible to recover.

I also feel like independence speaks to our ability to choose.  If we are independent, we can decide what we want to do for a living (and we aren't just slotted into a job because it was the only one we could get and now we're stuck).  We would have the choice to live our life how we decide (and that means being able to dress how we want, love who we want, and be who we want to be).  It only takes one peek into the news or social media to realize that we don't have those choices, that there are many choices we can make where we will be punished for what we chose.

This especially relates to social issues.  There are many people in the world who believe that they know what is best for everyone, and they will do everything in their power to push their views onto other people.  This is one place where we come to a tricky issue, because those of us who want people to have choices, who want people to be free to be themselves, we aren't going around trying to force other people to think like us, and therefor the other side has the advantage.

And this is where I think we need to draw the line.  We need to start fighting back.  There is a difference between trying to force other people to agree with you and allowing them to push their beliefs on everyone else.  We can say "it's fine for you to think a certain way, but you don't have the right to force others to live by your beliefs."  And we can push back when they try to do it anyways.

As Pagans, we are one of many groups who still has to fight for our rights.  Our right to not have our children taught someone else's religion in school.  Our right to have our beliefs respected (and not belittled or laughed at).  Our right to the same religious privileges as others (being able to take our holidays off, being able to wear symbols of our faith, being able to hold religious ceremonies in public).  And many of us know that we can't only stand up for ourselves and we can't only fight our own battles.  If we stand with other groups who are having their independence threatened, then there is a good change they will stand by us...and that is how the world should work!

Now we all stand up for ourselves (and others) in our own way.  Some people like to get out in the world and protest.  Others may prefer to write letters to politicians.  Others lead discussions online, trying to educate people.  Some write blog posts *grin  Some might do what they can to help people find their independence, while others comfort those who need help right now.

And some of us take up our tools and work to create the world we want to see.  We address the injustices of the world through magic, and we direct our energy towards changing the parts of the world that are broken.  We want everyone to be able to find their path, to live the life they want to live, and to be happy.  And that is what I think independence means:  the ability to live YOUR life...the way you want to live it.  And it is worth fighting to make sure that everyone has that opportunity.

Religious freedom

 

 People toss about the phrase 'religious freedom', but most of the time they aren't talking about any kind of religious equality, they are talking about 'freedom' in the sense that it is technically legal to believe in a particular religion...and yet practically speaking, when you try to practice many religions you are met with road blocks, intolerance...and outright hatred.

There are SO many things in our modern world that are frustrating if you aren't a follower of whatever the dominant religion is where you live.  Where I live, that means that anyone who isn't Christian (of some flavor) will get treated as if their religion is less than, or in some cases flat out evil.  It doesn't matter what the tenets of the religion actually are...if it's not the mainstream winner, many people will assume the worst (often because THEIR religion told them that everyone else was wrong).  The really sad thing (in my mind) is that even within the religious majority, different versions of the same religion will denounce each other, so they really do practice "if you don't believe exactly what I do, you are evil and wrong and I need to try to convert you to save your eternal soul....I'm doing this for YOU!!!"  And honestly that's a really messed up way to approach things.

But let's talk practical.  Almost everything that a Christian could do, as part of their religious practice, I can't do.  All the major Christian holidays are recognized as days people will want off, to spend with their families or do religious stuff...but I would have to take personal days to get any of my holidays off.  In a truly equal (and free!) world, then no one's religious holidays would be recognized, but everyone would be able to get the days that are important to them off.

When it comes to religious iconography, we see crosses everywhere, and often full blown Jesus statues in public (or governmental) spaces.  But when I wear my pentacle ring, I have to think about where I am going that day, and who might see it (and react badly to it).  Again, in an equal world, no single religion's iconography should be enshrined in public (non-religious) spaces.  People would be free to wear whatever symbols have meaning to them, and of course religious building would have their symbols displayed....but banks, court rooms, schools and other public spaces that cater to people of all religions wouldn't have any religious symbols displayed (because it is flat out impossible to represent everyone).

And let's talk about talking.  The number of random conversations where God gets thrown in, and people expect that to carry weight with strangers (especially with people who follow other religions), is just insane.  But if I were to mention any deity I work with, either I am ridiculed or told to keep my beliefs out of public view.  I love a good discussion, and I love talking with people of other faiths, but you can't just keep shoving your faith in people's faces and expect them to never share anything about their own.

Probably the worst is when it comes to laws...and the way in which followers of the mainstream religion feel it's okay to use their religious tenants to require everyone to act accordingly.  If the ONLY argument you have for a law (or to oppose a law) is based on a religious text, you shouldn't be allowed to enter into the legal discussion.  It is beyond ridiculous that we have ANY laws that are based on the beliefs of a religion...and yet, there are SO many politicians and even general people who argue based on this logic..MY religion says this is wrong, therefor it should be illegal...because god says so!  I honestly struggle to understand how anyone can have this mindset, but obviously it's pretty common.

And the thing that frustrates me most about this whole religious freedom situation is that I honestly believe that the majority of the people who follow the dominant religion are being deliberately kept uneducated (or maliciously mislead) about what other religions actually do and believe.  They are told horrible things by their religious leaders, in order to keep them in the fold (and to convince them they need to recruit more people to their faith), and it's hard not to see the monetary motivations when we have things like mega-churches and televangelists and one of the 'rules' of the faith involves giving a portion of your income to the church.  The people in power want to stay in power, and one of the biggest tools they have is keeping their flock ignorant.

I think we still have a long way to go, but I can imagine a world where people of all faiths live in harmony.  The first step is mass education.  People need to understand, at least a little, what other faiths believe in and practice.  They need to look beyond the things they have been told (by people outside of any given faith) and instead talk to people who actually walk that path.  Don't ask a Christian what Pagan's do...ask a Pagan!  And then ask a few more, because one point of data isn't enough!

I feel like if we understood each other a little better, we would see the many ways in which religions help people...all kinds of religions.  We would start to learn that there is no 'one true religion' because we are all individuals, and what works for one of us simply can not work for everyone.  And we would be armed with honest information about what other religions do...and not fear mongering rumors intended to make you afraid.

I have always thought that it would be fantastic if your personal religious holidays were honored in the workplace....because I have no problem working on Christmas or Easter, but I would love to have the option of taking Yule or Samhain off!  And spreading out holidays like that means that you are more likely to have people who are willing to work on a day that someone else might feel really bad working on.  

I have hopes that one day (in my lifetime even!) religious freedom will start to actually mean what it implies.  That we will live in a world where it's okay to be whatever religion you are, and where accommodations are made to allow you to live (and work) in a way that aligns with your beliefs...the same way that so many followers of the religious majority already do.

Breaking Dad stereotypes

 

We live in a world that is still tilted towards the masculine, and yet the role of Father is one that is still full of confusion and apprehension.  For some reason, the idea of men and kids just doesn't compute for a lot of people, and they assume that any man needs to be taught to be a Father (while women just naturally 'know' how to be mothers...which is problematic in it's own right, but not the topic of today's blog!)  But also, a lot of the things that we still teach men about what it means to be a man feels like it is in direct conflict with what we talk about when it comes to good parenting.

 

And I think a part of that is that we are in a place in history where we are unlearning what traditional gender roles are and trying to break into a new way of navigating the world.  Many people are already working through their issues with traditional masculine behaviors and attitudes, but they still may be at a loss when it comes to parenting.

 

One of the first things I think we need to talk about is the role of Fatherhood.  Fatherhood is simply put, the act of being a father, but even though we have different words for a male parent versus a female one, the 'duties of fatherhood' are not intrinsically different from the 'duties of motherhood'.  In fact, I go so far as to flat out say that it doesn't matter your gender, you are a parent, and being a father isn't that different from being a mom.

 

Especially when you look at something like single parenthood.  Many people talk about it as if the single parent is 'taking on the roles of both mother and father', but we have lots of examples, from around the world, about the different ways in which we parent.  Many families break the 'traditional' gender roles when it comes to parenting, because that is what works for their family.

 

Some of the things that we used to link to fatherhood are:  being a provider, being a disciplinarian, teaching your son's to be men (while it was the mother's job to teach daughters to be women).  But in a world where it isn't always the man (or only the man) that is working to provide for the family, this narrative falls apart in the real world because it limits a parent in how they parent based on their gender.

I would argue that part of being a good parent is seeing to your children's needs.  This includes things like providing for them (because obviously kids need things that cost money), setting up boundaries (and using appropriate discipline to help your kids learn the rules of society).  Honestly, I think we can get rid of teaching our boys/girls to be men/women and instead just teach our kids how to adult.

And this circles right back around to dismantling gender stereotypes.  Yes, there are some biological things that kids growing up will need to learn how to manage.  Periods, shaving, puberty, sex education...these are ALL things that can actually be helped by busting through gender binaries and teaching all kids about how different people experience things.  Speaking as someone who had periods, if every kid at school had been taught how periods worked, and to be kind about issues that might come up with them, things would have been a lot less stressful...and I'm sure the same could be said about erections or voice changes.

I also think a big part of growing up is learning how to manage things like emotions, stress, setbacks and any number of other things that we have to face as a part of adult (and even kid) life.  And the old ways, where men were expected to keep everything inside and always put on a strong face isn't serving anyone.  So why would we want to push this mentality onto our children?

 

Parenthood starts with love.  We love our kids, and we want the best for them.  We want them to grow up to be healthy adults, able to pursue the life they want to live and become the people they want to be.  And we get there by being who our kids need us to be.  That might mean listening to them cry over their most recent heartbreak or showing them how to change a tire on the car.  It may mean learning to style hair the way they want, helping them find exercise that they love or showing them how to cook their favorite foods.  It is teaching all of them, regardless of gender, how to live on their own, which means being able to take care of themselves and their home.

It also means encouraging everyone to step up and take responsibility for their actions....which definitely includes being a father to any kids you have helped create.  I'm very much oversimplifying here, but every kid deserves to be loved, and it is your responsibility, as a parent, to put your kid's well being above your feelings about your ex.  No kid ever wants to feel like they aren't loved because their parents can't get along.

And while biology can make you a father, it doesn't take biology to be a father.  Anyone who steps into the parent role with a loving heart will be an amazing parent!  The child you help raise might not be related to you, and in some ways that requires even more love and dedication (though I bet that most parent's in this situation will tell you that they don't think of it this way, they just love their kid like everyone else).

Even if you aren't a father, you can help support fathers who are trying to become more than what they were taught to be.  You can help them learn new things that will enable them to connect with and be responsible for their kids in ways that might not come naturally to them.  You can be there for them when they are having a rough time, and you can reassure them that their best is absolutely enough, and that even if they make mistakes, if their heart is in the right place, their kids will know.

We are all in this journey of life together, and we can't become better if we don't help each other.  So whether you are a father or not, you know one.  Maybe we need to all take some time to really think about what we expect from fathers....and what we should expect.

Helping troubled souls rest

 

Memorial day is a day to remember and honor those lost to wars, but as Pagans I feel there is an opportunity to care for these spirits after they are gone.  Not just to remember them, but to help them find their peace.  

 

War is a horrible thing, and of course fighting in them is traumatic.  Firstly, not everyone who fought...or died...in wars were volunteers, so there is room for a lot of conflicting emotions on the part of the soldiers.  And even if someone believed in the cause the war was fought on behalf of, the atrocities they saw and the actions they took might leave someone split and conflicted about their role in the war.

Now, there are a lot of perspectives on what happens to us after death.  Many people believe there are places we go, based on what we believe and our actions in life.  But many people also believe that the dead can be trapped, or lost, and never reach what should have been their final destination.  These are the people I am talking about in this post...souls who may be stuck, shackled by their actions or the traumatic nature of their death, unable to take their final rest in the manner that they should.

The good thing is that, if you believe that such souls exist, you also have a way to reach out to them and help them move on.  As every one of us is an individual, this will mean that the way in which you approach this task will be highly individual (not only for you, as the practitioner, but also for the person you are trying to help...different methods may be required in order to help different people).

 

I feel like the first step should always be some kind of divination...finding out who the person is that you are reaching out to.  You may have family members who have died in wars, and this might be a good place to start.  I don't feel like every person who dies in a war gets stuck like this, so the first step would be to determine if this particular person is...and divination is a great way to approach this.  You could also do some research on people who died in the war and work with others, who may not be directly related to you.

 

Of course you could also take a different approach and start with divination to find a soul who needs help.  In this case, the divination is less focused on whether or not they need help and instead focused on finding out who they were and what happened to them.  This information will form the basis of the work that you can do to help them move on.

 

 Now, not every lost soul will have the same level of coherence.  Some spirits will be able to communicate very clearly, will have a good grasp on who they were in life, what has happened to them, and even might be aware of the state of the world today.  Others might have lost a lot of themselves, and this process may be more about trying to help them remember who they were, and accept the fact that they are dead.

 

Once you have a decent idea of who you are working with and what their state is, you can start to figure out how to help them. Again, every spirit will be different, so one might only need to be reassured that their part in the war is over and that their job is done and they can move on.  Others may need to be updated on their family, or they may want to know how their actions (and the war they were in) influenced the world.

One thing to remember here is that our role isn't to judge, condemn or pardon these spirits.  We aren't evaluating how righteous or corrupt they are and sending them to where we think they belong.  We are simply trying to figure out what is holding them here, and helping them to let go of any lingering concerns and issues so they can go where they need to go.

While doing this work, it is also important to make sure you are keeping your protections up.  Especially when working with spirits who maybe don't align with our own moral compass, we don't want to risk that soul becoming fixated on us and hanging around when we don't want them to.  Keeping strong protections is always a good idea, when working with any spirit, and especially spirits that may wish to create hardship or chaos in our lives.

It won't always be possible to help every spirit, but we can reach out and do what we are able to.  We can be a light to the lost souls who are stuck and confused and afraid.  We can help diffuse the anger and hatred that lingers with some of them and encourage them to release their hold on whatever is keeping them tethered.  And helping these lost souls can also help us (and other people alive today) to release our own anger and resentment towards the actions of our ancestors and those who came before. 

Help a mom in need

 

When we think of Mother's Day, what normally comes to mind is paying homage to YOUR mother (and maternal line, so grand-mother and so on).  It is often associated with doing something nice for your mom, giving her a 'day off' or just letting her know you appreciate her.

And in a perfect world, everyone would not only have a good relationship with their own mom, but every mom would have the love and respect of their children (and would have earned it by actually caring for them).  And this would extend into the community, so it wouldn't JUST be your direct bloodline that appreciated you and did things to make your life easier, but the whole community you live in.

Sadly, this isn't the case for so many people.  Motherhood can be a lonely and draining role to play, and so many times it is just stacked on top of all the other things a woman is doing, and no accommodations are made for the extra work and stress this puts on her.  Especially for people who don't have close family (either emotionally close or sometimes physically if your family all lives too far away to visit regularly), this can mean a mother never having help or days off.

Mother's day is a great time to look at the people in your life, not just your maternal bloodline, but any mothers you know, and think about something you can do that would make their life a little bit better.  This can be as simple as sending them a message letting them know that you think they are doing a great job (and trust me, even those moms who seem to always be on top of everything will love hearing this!).  You could make a simple gift bag to give to them, maybe a special sweet or snack, but something special just for them (because moms often share everything with their kids).  

If you want to make it something more, maybe offer to help them out in some way.  Take the kids on a playdate, or ask if you can come over and help them tidy up (honestly socializing while you do chores makes them SO much more manageable).  This kind of thing could easily be offered on Mother's day, but set for a date that works for both of you.

The thing about motherhood is that, for basically 18 years (give or take), this is your life.  There are no weekends off, holidays and summers mean more work, not less.  Family vacations are still work (and most mother's don't have the luxury of taking a vacation without their kids).

((I just want to add a little note that I do know that many fathers are wonderful and participate fully in taking care of their kids, and of course there are single fathers who do all the work that a mother would and more....but this is a post about mother's day, and the sad statistics are that mothers end up bearing the brunt of child rearing, even in a two-parent household.  So by all means, apply these suggestions to fathers or parents of any flavor, just help people in need!))

Also, like many holidays, these are things we should stay mindful of the whole year round, not just on Mother's Day.  If you have a friend who is a mom, and you see them struggling, think about how you could help make their life a bit better.  If you see a mom in public who is obviously having a hard time, think about how what you could do to make things easier for her.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but we don't live in villages anymore.  In many places there is no clear sense of community (tied to a place, like the city you live in), and our family structures have gotten more complicated (plus the fact that many people don't live surrounded by their family as they did before), and so there is this void that leaves people trying to fill all the roles that should be filled by their community on their own, and that can simply be overwhelming.  

So let's bring back that sense of togetherness!  Let's reach out to those in need and lend a hand where we can.  If you are able, think about ways that you can help the mothers you know, and know just how much your help can mean to a mother who is feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated.

Pranks shouldn't cause trauma

 

With April Fool's day around the corner, we once again are facing a day where people feel it's appropriate to play all manner of pranks.  But, with the immense popularity of several prank shows (whether they are tv shows or some other form of internet entertainment like YouTube videos or TicToks), the rise of problematic pranks is something I think we need to talk about.

I also feel that this is something that people who work with trickster deities can fall prey to.  Trickster deities often have myths that involve highly problematic pranks.  However, they are deities, and trickster deities especially aren't always aligned with good intentions.  As human beings, even if we work with a trickster deity, we shouldn't have our intention to cause harm to the people pranked...and we definitely don't have the power to back up our pranks (as most trickster deities can just poof after their trick is done).

 

And if you look at a lot of trickster stories, they almost always prank people in power or people who are acting in a way that society doesn't approve of.  Tricksters in story fill the role of teacher, their pranks almost always include a lesson.  They also normally involve a way for the person to avoid the prank (typically by doing what is considered the 'right' or appropriate thing)...it is only because they refuse to give up on their questionable behavior that they suffer from the prank.

Now, it's nothing new to call out problematic pranks.  There are certain pranks that have been flagged as problematic by a lot of people, and around this time I always see reminders on social media to avoid these kind of pranks.  Fake pregnancy is one of the ones that comes up a lot.  Not only is it not cool to prank your partner like this (unless you very much know their sense of humor...I could prank hubby with it, but I am also not able to get pregnant anymore, so it would be an obvious prank), but when you do it publicly, it makes light of many people's very personal struggle with infertility, miscarriage or even unplanned pregnancies.

And the most common response you will hear, in cases like this, is that people need to 'get a sense of humor', and yet it is a joke about something that can be highly traumatic to many people.  Triggering trauma isn't funny and telling people that they should find it funny because you say so is trivializing their experiences and perspective...it's just not cool.

I've also seen a rise of fake injury/sickness pranks, where someone will pretend to be hurt or sick (maybe they fake fainting or something like that), often done where their loved ones will find them.  And these kind of pranks aren't new, we've had shock value pranks that are similar for ages (think about old comedians who would manipulate a ketchup packet to fake stab themselves and squirt 'blood' everywhere).  But almost always, those were someone on stage (so not personal) and the joke was immediately revealed (so the prank was just for the shock value).

But now, people are drawing those pranks out, to the point where they might keep the ruse going for minutes on end, while their frantic partner is trying to help them, or maybe even calling an ambulance.  This is really taking it too far.  Because you are causing actual fear and worry in your partner, and this can be super traumatizing.

And one of the worst, in my opinion, are pranks where actual harm is done to another person.  Think 'pranks' where someone is kicked in their privates or smacked in the face with a door.  I feel like this kind of prank was made very popular due to prank shows, and what people sometimes forget is that the people in those shows (mostly...I think...honestly I don't watch them) agree to be in them.  They know they are entering into prank wars, and they (on some level) accept the risk.

However, when people take this style of prank out of that situation (where you agree to participate), and just start pranking random people in their life...it becomes highly problematic.  And again, they throw out the 'it's only a joke, get a sense of humor' response...while actually causing pain to other people.  Not acceptable, not at all.

Finally, some people absolutely refuse to stop pranking...because they think it's funny.  They think that other people should also find it funny and they refuse to listen when the people they prank ask/tell/beg them to stop.  If someone asks you not to prank them and you do it anyways...you are just being a dick.

 

Here's the thing.  The minute you stop considering how the pranked party (or observers) feel about your prank, is the minute you start doing things that aren't acceptable.  A joke or prank should be enjoyable for everyone involved, full stop.  

 

If you are pranking someone, and they aren't enjoying it, you are a bully.  If someone asks you to stop doing something, and you refuse (because you think it's funny), you are a bully.  If you know something will trigger, disturb or otherwise mentally traumatize someone, and you do it anyways as a prank...you are an abuser.

I'm all for jokes and pranks, and there are TONS of ways to prank your friends and loved ones where everyone can have a good laugh.  And if you know someone who doesn't share your sense of humor (maybe you feel they don't have one...some people are very serious!), find someone else to prank!  And don't use your deity (even a trickster deity) as an excuse to be horrible to other people. 

What's in the meaning of a name

 I've talked before about the power of words, but I think it's something that is important enough to talk about again.  Language is an ever-evolving thing, and I think right now we are seeing a huge change in how we approach language (with the topic of pronouns).  

Words are created things, at some point in time, all words were 'made up'.  And it's not like we aren't used to the concept of adding new words to our vocabulary, because slang is a very commonly accepted concept, and while we may view slang to be casual language (not suited for 'official' type settings), we still acknowledge them as words.  

Where things get a bit tricky is when the same word has different meanings to different groups.  We saw this with Wicca, where for a long time Wicca was seen by some as a specific path (British Traditional Wicca or BTW), while many people weren't aware of that meaning and came to know Wicca as the catchall for generic witchy Paganism (what we might now consider Neo-Wicca).  Now, one might definitely argue that BTW is the 'true' meaning of the name, but if you have a whole generation of people who grew up thinking what they did is Wicca (because that is what a lot of 101 books and articles called it), are they really wrong in calling their path Wiccan (since that is what they were taught it was called)?

Now, take that same issue, but add in a few more generations and you start to see how this can be a complicated issue.  I see similar issues with naming when it comes to food.  Think about the divided opinions on what a biscuit is (American versus British).  Both countries have been calling their food a biscuit forever, and both versions are dramatically different.  Neither is wrong, in this case it comes down to context.

To further complicate the issue, sometimes people pervert the meaning of a thing, so it can no longer be used for it's original purpose.  Almost every slur or curse word follows this path.  At some point down the line, a word became a negative name for some marginalized group (or in the case of curse words, a slightly taboo word is shifted from it's original meaning to a general exclamation of frustration or outrage).  The thing is that once a meaning has shifted, it's almost impossible to reclaim the original meaning (and even if you use it in proper context, it's still flavored by the negative slur meaning).

And finally, sometimes names are linked to other names in a way to other people.  There is a long history of associating marginalized people with unsavory mythic creatures (who typically are considered 'evil') as a way for the people in power to demonstrate the negative characteristics of the people they wish to other.  This has come up recently with goblins, both within the Harry Potter world and in Dungeons and Dragons.  

The thing is that, to the best of my knowledge, folklore about goblins existed before the connection to any specific race, and in fact goblin lore is quite varied and what characteristics goblins have differs greatly depending on where in the world you are.  It is only a few specific areas/times that have linked goblins to a particular people, and I honestly had never thought of goblins as 'representing' any particular race...until someone pointed it out.

And it's worth pointing out that these types of negative associations only work if you agree to the racial stereotypes about the people involved!  Sure many fantasy goblins have distinct physical features and some have a love of money....but if you don't stereotype a whole race of (actual) people, then you won't see goblins as a way of representing those people.  

In a similar line, going back to gender names for a minute, I am starting to see more and more people finding alternative language to the typically gendered way we approach things in the witchy realm.  There are SO many things that we needlessly gender.  And I do understand that, for a very long time, gendered thought (especially when it came to personality types) was the standard.  Men were masculine and that meant tough and rough and active and 'good', while women were feminine so they were dainty and passive and 'evil' (yes, most binary systems equate masculine with positive and feminine with negative).

It's one of those things that has been done forever...but that doesn't mean we need to continue it!  Even just taking the gender part out and talking about things in terms of active/passive, nurturing/protecting, external/internal....these allow people to step outside of their stereotype (and trust me if you want me to be a stereotypical 'female'...you are going to be disappointed!).

Words will always have power, but that is a power we can harness....and most importantly it's a power we don't have to fall prey to.  Just because someone wants to use a word in a way that hurts or oppresses other people, doesn't mean we need to buy into that.  And just because a word has meant something 'for a long time' doesn't mean we can't change that meaning.  And multiple groups can use the same word to mean very different things (context is important!).  This is why it is so vital to be open to conversations about what things mean and to not cling to something just because it's what we know.  Language evolves, and so should we.

The legalities of Love

 

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, love is in the air....except for those who are still fighting to be able to love the people they love.  It absolutely breaks my heart that there are people in this world who love other people, but they can't expect the same acceptance (and legal treatment) as others.  

Love is an emotion, like joy or fear.  It is a thing we experience, and we can't control it.  We love who we love, and when two (or more!) people love each other that is a beautiful thing.  It is something to be celebrated, not something that anyone should have to hide out of fear.

And yet, we live in a world where love isn't an equal right.  Even in countries where it isn't illegal to love or be with the person who you might love, if you can't legally benefit from the same 'rewards' of loving someone that other people have (like tax breaks, shared insurance or any of a bunch of other things that many cishet couples enjoy without thought), then you are legally being punished for loving who you love.

There are countless examples throughout history and across the globe of different types of love being restricted.  Whether it is love between people of different races, love between people of different genders, love between differing ages (I am NOT talking about pedophilia here, I am talking about love between consenting adults, but there is still stigma against for example a 30 year old being with an 80 year old), love if you are disabled and love between people from different socio-economic backgrounds.

One of the (many) things I adore about being Pagan is that a significantly greater proportion of our community embraces love in all it's splendor and it's many, many forms.  We have myths that showcase other forms of love and deities who you can work with who love in ways similar to you.  ((yes, there are some intolerant Pagans, but by and large, we don't tend to condone loving other people *Shrug))

The thing that I honestly just don't get about some of these legal issues is...why?  Why are so many things tied into having a marriage license?  Who does it hurt to allow people to love who they love?  And sadly, many of the answers are tied into...another religion.  Another religion that is being used to restrict, and I'll go so far to say harm, people that don't even follow that religion!

Regardless of you who personally love, I feel this is a very present issue to us all, as Pagans...and as humans.  We need to stand up and be very clear that we are not okay with other religions forcing us to live by their rules.

And we need to make sure that our own communities are making space for everyone.  We need to stay mindful, when we create rituals or talk about love, that we include not only love that manifests the way we love, but also love that looks different from the way we love.

Sometimes, this leads to difficult conversations, and it may mean building and enforcing boundaries around who you allow in your gatherings.  It means standing up for others in our community who are struggling, and lending your voice to theirs when they cry out against injustice.

And maybe we have our own inner work to do, around love and it's many varieties.  This is a great time of year to explore some old hangups you might have or to start unlearning some of your own ignorance.  If you have any preconceived notions about what love means or how other people love, then go out and talk to people!  Find someone who experiences love in a way that you aren't as familiar with and ask if they would be willing to share their experiences with you.  (and remember...love can be highly personal, so if the answer is no, always respect that!)

Especially if the way you love is legally 'acceptable', spending some time to think about what it would mean, practically and legally speaking, if YOU loved in another way...that will open your mind up to how things could be...and how things are for others right now.  The more we remember the inequalities that don't effect us, and the more we work to make those issues better...the better the world will be (and statistically speaking, if more people did this, then more people would also be acting on issues that DO apply to you).

So this Valentine's day, whether you have love in your life right now or not, take a bit of time to think about the people who can't love openly, or who don't have their love supported legally....and find some way to do something to support those people.