Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Anti-resolutions


 At the start of the year, everyone is talking about resolutions.  We talk about new habits we want to develop, or things that we want to let go of.  The ultimate goal is to 'be' a better person, we want to improve our life in some way.


Part of figuring out how we should change is doing a bit of reflection.  But when we look at our selves and our lives, we tend to look for what isn't working.  We look for the places where we feel a lacking or where we dislike something that is in our current life.  We look for the broken things and try to fix them.


What we often overlook is the 'good' habits we have.  We skim over the places in our lives where things are doing well.  We think 'this thing is okay, so I don't have to worry about it,' and we move on, searching for something to stand out as feeling wrong or inappropriate.  And we miss a huge opportunity!


Sometimes, we fall into habits that work, but maybe aren't as good as they could be.  You eat pretty well and don't binge on a lot of super sugary or fattening snacks.  Or maybe you just have grown complacent about a practice.  You have a daily routine, but you don't really think about it.  Because we aren't having big issues in these areas, we tend to gloss over them and things that are 'just okay' never become great.


On the other hand, sometimes we dismiss things out of hand because we feel they 'just aren't us'.  We really don't like the idea of logging our food intake, and running never looked fun.  We never give things a chance, a true chance, because we have an initial dislike for them (and no real reason to change the things that are already working okay for us).


But here's the thing.  Trying something, seriously trying it, teaches us SO much.  So does stopping doing something we think is important to us.  Both are forms of what we would traditionally call failure.  I mean, what's the point in trying something that makes us a bit miserable (especially when we have alternatives that are more appealing).


I'm a big fan of seeing things from as many perspectives as possible.  I got the idea of anti-resolutions from a story I was writing, and I think it's an interesting twist on self-improvement.  The idea is not to try something that you think you will like...exactly the opposite.  Try something you think you are going to hate (be reasonable of course, don't try dangerous diets or physical things that are so hard you risk getting hurt).  And treat it as if you were serious about making it a part of your life.


Pretty much every one agrees that it takes about a month to set a new habit.  So a month is a proper trial time for most things.  It's the perfect amount of time for an anti-resolution!  It's long enough to really let you get a taste for something, and even see some improvement in your ability to do it.  But it's short enough to not feel endless.  You can see the end and most people can do almost anything for a month (when they know that they only have to do it for a month).


So what's the point then?  Why bother to do something if you know you are just going to give it up at the end of the month?  Well firstly, sometimes initial impressions are just wrong.  You may have thought you hated something at first try, but once you smoothed out some of the bumps, you might discover that you actually enjoy it.  Most likely you won't, our initial impressions often are pretty spot on.  Even if you don't like a thing and have no plans to continue on with it, trying and failing teaches us stuff.  You may learn some small things that you can then incorporate into other things you do want to do.  At the very least, you will gain an appreciation for the people who do the thing, and an understanding of what they do.  This can be really helpful when you are interacting with people who are into whatever the thing is that you don't like.  It's much easier to connect when you have some common ground!


I also think there is great value in taking a break from things you 'think you can't live without'.  It's sort of a life-cleanse.  Some things are easy to set aside for a bit.  If you have a favorite tarot deck that you always reach for, even though you own a dozen other decks that you also love, then challenging yourself to not use your 'go-to' deck for a month means you will be using other decks more...learning how to work with them.  


Other things are harder to set down.  If you have a daily prayer practice, that is very dear to you and a huge part of your path, it may feel traitorous to not do it.  Instead, try changing it up.  Pick a new way of honoring the same idea, but don't do it in your normal way.  This could be as simple as changing when you do something.  If you normally say your prayers at night, try them in the morning or before each meal (and don't say them at night).  If you have a regular offering you make (one you make without really thinking about what to offer...because it's what you've always offered), spend some time trying other offerings (you might check in with your deities first, and let them know what you are planning and see if they are open to it).  


Of course if you feel huge resistance to stopping a practice, you should listen to your inner voice.  If something is deeply meaningful to you, giving it up can be more harmful then beneficial, even in the short run.  Especially if you have a practice that is helping you cope with an issue or deal with a difficult situation!  But even then it can be helpful to spend some time thinking about if this is the only way you can do that particular thing.  You may decide that it is, but the fact that you considered alternatives can help you accept that this is the actual best path for you (and not just the path you ended up on).


I think we could all benefit from shaking things up, from time to time.  So maybe, instead of trying to come up with a new resolution, you may think of an anti-resolution to try.  Instead of trying to fix what is broken...try breaking what works.  You might be surprised at the new ideas that come from turning things on their head and breaking free from old habits!

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