Role of Fatherhood

 Father's day is just around the corner, and it is a holiday that many people have mixed feelings towards.  It's funny because it is the counterpoint to Mother's day, and yet more people are comfortable celebrating their mother (even if their relationship isn't great), than their father.  

I think a lot of it is our changing thoughts, as a society, on what it means to be masculine and how that applies to our perception of fatherhood.  What was once thought of as traditional values now sometimes cross into toxic masculinity.  Things like being stoically anti-emotional, being strong to the point of pain, being the sole provider (so the wife can stay home and take care of the house and family), and being over-protective of their families.  The thing is, that all of those points can be expressed in a healthy way, as long as we don't take them to extremes.

And I think that is one point where many people get lost.  It isn't about hating men or talking about how fathers don't take on household responsibilities, it's about looking at the individuals and not the stereotypes.  I read a really great article on Archetypes vs Stereotypes that I think explains things well.  The issue is that most people think they are upset by the archetype of the father, when actually they are upset by the stereotype.

Think about the 'not all men' response.  Almost all of us know great fathers, whether it is our own or not.  We know that some fathers share in the emotional caring for their children and some help around the house, and some fill the role traditionally filled by the mother.  But we still have these negative stereotypes around fatherhood, and these seep into our relationship with our own fathers (and our children if we are the father)....and our self.

Much like we can mother ourselves, we can also father ourselves.  We can be the things we wish our father had been, and even if we have a wonderful father, we can step into that role and support ourselves when he isn't around to help us.

While 'mother' is associated with emotional support and comfort, 'father' is connected more strongly to pushing us to keep going when things get hard.  Remember, we are talking about archetypes here, of course not every mother or father displays these qualities, and that is perfectly fine!  But when we are thinking about fathering ourselves, it is a bit of tough love.  

Fathers tend to be the ones to push us to try harder, to get back up when we fall and to not be afraid of getting hurt.  Now, this isn't to say that they don't want to protect us, because protection is a core attribute of fathers as well.  But fathers look at the bigger picture, and know when something is a growing pain (as in a challenge to be overcome) and when something is a danger (something that will actually cause you deep and lasting pain).  

And while we have the mother bear image of protection, fathers are constantly on the lookout for threats to their family.  They consider all things potential dangers, and will work to make sure the environment is safe for the ones they care about.  While the mother stays behind and guards the vulnerable, the father goes out and hunts down the thing that is lurking in the shadows.  It is a more active defense.

Connecting to the father within lets you be your own backbone.  It is stepping into that fierce pride you feel when you have struggled for so long, but finally you get things figured out.  It is being vigilant and seeking out ways to ensure your safety, before any threats reveal themselves.  It is knowing how to handle small pains and focus on the goal at hand to get the job done.

I was the only child of a military man, and my dad definitely pushed me to try harder.  He led by example, and I grew up wanting to be like him.  He is one of those people who just doesn't always notice the small pains, and it wasn't uncommon for him to come in from working in the yard with a bleeding wound that he didn't even know he had.  He taught me to stand up for myself, and that fighting shouldn't be my first solution to a problem, but that if I had to fight, then fight hard and fight to win.

He also taught me to be confident in my own abilities, and to not let anyone else tell me that I wasn't capable of doing something (regardless of my age or gender).  Dad encouraged me to be well rounded, to not have to rely on anyone else (asking for help is one thing, but being helpless is something else entirely).  

These are the things that I seek to do for myself, when I work with the father within.  I want to be my own champion, so that I can be strong and trust myself.  My dad doesn't live near me, so I don't seen him often, but the more I work with fathering myself, the closer I feel to him.  But if your father isn't one who fills the fatherhood role for you, then working on fathering yourself can help break those ties between what you feel fatherhood should be and what you experienced as a child.

Regardless of who your biological father is, who filled the father role for you when you were little, or your relationship with them, whether you had one father, no father or many fathers, learning to father yourself can give you a well of strength to draw upon.  It can help to mend your sense of trust that might have been broken when you were a child.  And it can bring your inner world into better balance by giving you the other half of the foundation you need (alongside learning to mother yourself).