Welcoming back the sun

 

 In the middle of winter, Yule is the time for us to welcome back the sun.  Today, we think of this as a symbolic gesture, we know that it is the moment when the days start getting longer again, and the sun will be out more, but our ancestors didn't know take this expectation for granted, and until they saw the signs of the longer days there remained that fear that maybe this year the sun would just keep getting less and less.  Welcoming back the sun was a heart-felt appreciation for the life and warmth it brings to our lives.

One common practice I see a lot of people embracing for Yule is to stay up all night (and literally welcome the sun back in the morning).  And while this can be a really powerful way to celebrate, it isn't necessarily accessible for everyone.  Obviously, some people work, and others may not be able to stay up all night for a variety of reasons (children, health issues, age).  A simpler practice would be to watch the sun rise, but even that may be difficult or impossible for many people.  

But while experiencing things in person may be an idealized practice, the truth is we live in a day and age where we aren't limited to that!  We can watch videos of the sunrise, or look at breathtaking pictures that capture that magical moment.  We can read poems that put emotions into words, or read other descriptions of the wonder of sunrise.  It can be really eye opening to read about other people's experiences, to be able to put yourself in their shoes for a moment and see what the shared experience of sunrise means to people who live very different lives from ours.

We might also take this opportunity to do a bit of journeying, and to wonder about how our ancestors might have approached this time of year.  It's one thing to think about the hardships they might have faced, and another to try to put ourselves in their place.  Doing a visualization and stepping into the role of one of our ancestors can not only open our eyes but can teach us so much about how similar (and different) we are.  

I have always thought that one of the hardest things for us to really grasp is how uncertain things felt.  People made up stories to try to explain all the mystery of the world around them.  They noticed that the sun rose and set at different times throughout the year, and they didn't understand why, but as the months grew colder and the sun was out less, it was only natural to worry that maybe this year it wouldn't come back (especially if you also consider that they felt that gods were present in the world around us and that we could displease them in a way that would make them lash out to punish us).

Trying to put yourself back in that situation, to really feel how it must have felt (or at least as close as we can come to understanding it) not only brings us closer to our ancestors, but it gives us a unique perspective on some of our modern fears (I may not worry about the sun not rising in the morning, but I have definitely thought about the effects of our sun one day dying, or other catastrophic events that science has told us are possible).  It makes me feel comforted to know that one day, perhaps one of my decedents will wonder how I could possibly worry about things like that (because they may have figured it out and know how things work).  It reminds me of the idea that any science significantly advanced enough will appear to be magic (and also that maybe one day what we see and practice as magic might be fully defined and understood as science!)

I also feel like the sun has a very different role in our lives today than it did in times past.  If you go far enough back, the sun was the only reliable source of light, and so it's cycles truly dictated our ancestors lives.  Even back before the advent of electricity, light at night was not always accessible (or abundant), and people lived much of their lives at the mercy of daylight.  Today, we are not as limited, and yet we still find ourselves drawn to the light, and especially when something like daylight savings time comes by and we notice the big shift (and it is now dark in the afternoon...) and we feel off kilter.

Even when it comes to electric lights, we are constantly striving to make our lights more natural and realistic (or we run in the other direction with things like color changing LED lights).  We know that indoor lights are not created equal, and many people struggle with different qualities of light.  We also know that actual sunlight is important for many health reasons (from our sleep cycle to emotional regulation and mental well being).

So even though we don't worry about the sun not rising in the morning when we go to bed at night, we need to acknowledge the important role that the sun plays in our lives.  It warms us and lights our way and grows our food and it is nice to have this time dedicated to acknowledging that and taking the time to not only show our gratitude but to also express our appreciation to the light for all it does in our lives. 

Slowing down and turning inward

 

 One thing that has changed dramatically over the years is how much the seasons effect us.  Modern technology has allowed us to live as if the world were the same every day, year round.  Our ancestors didn't have that luxury.  When winter came, their whole life changed.  There were lots of things they could no longer do, and much like the natural world, they worked hard during the rest of the year so that they would have the resources to manage the winter, and as a result they had more free time in the winter months.

This time would often be spent connecting with each other, listening to stories (and learning from the past), and thinking deep thoughts.  This is something I feel we have lost so much with our modern 24/7/365 paced lifestyle.  We no longer have these fallow times where we can let go of our burdens and simply be.  We don't have time every year to contemplate our lives or the things that are important to us.  Sometimes we can't even find time to sit with our own thoughts for a few minutes.

But that kind of decompression time is necessary!  And introspection is a very healthy practice for everyone that I firmly believe we don't do enough anymore (especially with so many distractions constantly at our fingertips with phones and computers and on demand content of every kind).  It's a sad fact that many people can't stand to simply sit with themselves for even a few minutes.

And I know that we are all busy, and trying to cram as much as possible into every second because we know how precious time is.  But this is one of those things that seems like a 'waste of time' but actually gives us so much more!  

Taking time to rest, to dream, to think and to simply be has amazing restorative properties!  I often think of this kind of practice as a form of meditation, and so much has been written about the benefits of meditation, even if you can only squeeze in a few minutes here and there.  It's one of those practices that I feel that any attempts have benefits, and that no matter where you are in life, you can add in a bit of stillness and be better for it.

If we are really honest with ourselves, sometimes we do things just to fill the void.  I find myself scrolling social media or searching for something to watch ALL the time.  And I'm definitely not suggesting that we never do these things, as sometimes distraction or mindless entertainment is exactly what we need.  But we can also shave a little time off of these kind of things and give ourselves space to simply be.

One of my favorite times to start with are those little moments of waiting we have scattered throughout our day.  If we are stuck in a line, don't pull out your phone and start filling that time, but simply allow yourself to think.  If you are cooking dinner and waiting for a pot to boil, sit down, have a sip of water and let your mind wander.

I should note, I think it's important to really let yourself play with this time.  Do your best to not focus on your to-do list or worry about that thing that someone said to you. Let yourself walk down memory lane (but think about positive memories, or at the very least memories with lessons).  

Journaling can also be a great way to turn inward.  If you haven't tried stream of thought journaling, I highly recommend it!  You may find yourself thinking you don't have anything to write about, so start with that!  Grab a pen and just write "I don't know what to write about..." and then keep going.  Any thought that comes to your mind goes on your paper.  Spend a few minutes doing this, and then read back what you wrote (actually I love going back to old journals, reading entries, and then writing my current thoughts about what I had written before...it's a great way to dig deeper into things or just observe your own growth).

It's very easy, especially with holiday season looming ever closer, to find small delays frustrating and to be focused on how far behind we fell or our giant to-do list, but every moment you can stop the rush and the overthinking and just let yourself breathe and exist and think is a precious gift, and you may be surprised to realize how much reclaiming these small moments does to make you feel more refreshed and less weighed down by the hustle and bustle of modern life.

Our relationship with food

 

When we think of food holidays, Thanksgiving is often top of the list.  While it definitely has a questionable history, in the modern era it has become an excuse to stuff yourself on more food than we should probably be eating.  And (in the US at least), we have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food, not only when we think about the types of foods we eat but also the quantities.

Portion size is a huge problem in many parts of the world.  In some places, 'traditional' foods were designed for people who were going out to work hard labor all day, and so needed a hearty, calorie rich meal to see them through.  While of course many people still do labor intensive jobs, many of our modern jobs aren't as physical as they used to be (especially for anyone who has a desk job or works at the computer all day), and so our dietary needs can be quite different from our ancestors.

We also have access to a TON more processed foods, foods high in things we don't need a ton of:  salt, sugar and fat.  Yes, these things are highly craveable, addictive and enjoyable to eat, but they shouldn't be the bulk of our diet.  Sadly, for many people, these foods are also more affordable and available, and if you are limited in budget or depending on where you live (and how much time/money you have to spare just traveling to find better food options), you may be stuck with trying to do the best you can with whatever processed foods you can afford and manage to purchase.

The real kicker about healthy food options is most people know (at least in general) what foods are healthy and which ones aren't so good for us.  But we have been socialized to crave the less healthy foods, and simultaneously shamed for eating them (which leads to a lot of complicated emotions and often some negative self-talk, even if you are honestly doing your best to eat in a way that is good for you and within your budget).

One of the first things I think that we need to do, to repair our relationship with food, is to really look at which foods you like (and don't like)...and why.  I also feel that it is important to keep trying foods we may not be super excited about, as I have found there are quite a lot of foods that I enjoy when prepared a specific way, but don't really care for when prepared in other ways.  Many people haven't enjoyed foods at their prime or prepared in a way that really highlights their best qualities, and so they think they don't like things that they very well may love (if cooked the right way).

But of course we all have personal preferences as well, so there may be dishes that we will never enjoy.  And sometimes those foods are part of a 'traditional' spread, and so we feel more guilt when things like Thanksgiving roll around and we are torn with deciding whether or not to cook and eat the traditional foods (that we don't enjoy) or breaking from tradition and making foods we relish.  Personally, I'm never a fan of eating foods because we 'should' (with the very small exception of religiously significant bites, but even then, if it's a huge no for you, then it's a no!).

This is a bit more complicated when we talk about family, especially if you have a family that really gets into tradition and is hosting a family dinner where you know there will be dishes you don't care for (but you may be expected to eat because "Aunty worked really hard to cook this for us all, and you need to be polite and eat it and tell her how much you like it").  This is one place where I think we ALL need to do better.  We can politely decline (and bring a dish that we know we will enjoy eating if we also know there will be a lot of foods we won't wish to eat), and we can be understanding when someone prefers not to eat something we have made, no matter how hard we worked on it.

I also want to talk a little bit about something I've recently been learning about:  safe foods.  For some people, food is more than just a matter of not liking something.  Food distress can be intense, can stop people from eating certain foods and can lead to a lot of food related mental health issues.  Safe foods are ones that are quite literally that:  safe.  They are often foods that are processed (because they are made the same way, and thus you can expect the experience of eating them will be how you remembered it, as opposed to things like fruit which can vary highly depending on how ripe they are or things like that).  

Safe foods often remind me a bit of comfort foods (and a safe food can definitely be a comfort food!).  Comfort foods are ones that we turn to when we aren't feeling so good and just want to feel cozy and cared for.  Quite often they are either indulgent (like a guilty pleasure), or have strong memories attached to them (like the soup your mom always made for you when you were sick).  And we can give ourselves guilt about these foods too, even as we seek them out for comfort (especially if your comfort food is one that is not technically 'healthy').

We should try to have the best relationship with food that we can, and also try to not beat ourselves up for the ways in which our eating habits aren't ideal.  This may look like trying small bits of new foods, even if you are unsure, and it may also mean not letting yourself feel bad for turning to a safe or comfort food.  It means being mindful of how you eat, and how you think about the way you eat, and how society's views on how you eat impact your mental health.

While there are a million people out there who may try to tell you how and what you should be eating, at the end of the day, you are responsible for feeding yourself, and only you can know how the foods you eat truly effect you.  Part of being an adult means being honest with yourself about your actions, your motivations and your thoughts, and trying to improve (even just a tiny amount) when you can.

So keep that in mind this Thanksgiving, or at any other family dinner, feast or even meal you eat by yourself:  that you not only get to decide what you want to eat, but you must live with the consequences of those choices.  And you are the only one who can balance your needs, cravings and desires.  It may not be easy, but if you work on it, you may just find that your life is improved by your willingness to work on your relationship with food.

Hollow Holidays

 

 There are a lot of holidays we celebrate, whether religious or not, that have become nothing more than an excuse to party (and maybe get time off work/school).  But treating holidays as nothing but reasons to party means we loose a lot of what made them important in the first place.  If we are going to celebrate something, celebrate it!  This doesn't mean we can't have a party or enjoy ourselves, but some of our time should be spent actually doing something relevant to the reason for the holiday.

Take Veteran's day, for example.  Many people observe Veteran's day in name only.  Maybe they fly a flag or visit graves (though that really is more of a Memorial day thing), and many places do offer discounts for Veterans (or a complimentary meal, which is lovely), but quite a lot of people don't do anything that either helps or remembers our Veterans.  And sadly we do this for a lot of other holidays as well.

There are a lot of ways we can celebrate with action instead of just window dressing.  It all starts with looking into the whys of a holiday.  What does it celebrate, why did it become a holiday, who does it honor?  And often looking into the whys uncovers a whole trove of historical activities we can do that tie into the roots of the celebration!  We don't have to follow historical traditions by rote either, we can totally update and modernize our observances, but knowing how people used to do things can help us continue to uphold those traditions, in our own way.

As witchy folks we have even more ways of taking action that supports a holiday.  We can include spells and rituals designed to create change in ways that align with the holiday we are celebrating.  We can share stories and raise awareness (because the more people who understand why our holidays are important, the more people there are that might also act in a way that affirms the meaning of the holiday).

Even something as simple as taking a moment to talk about why the holiday was started can create a meaningful moment.  We can tie in that meaning to our decorations and leisure activities too, much like if you look into the history of Halloween or Winter holiday decorations you can learn about the traditions and folklore that inspired them.  With added intention, our decorations can become more than just pretty things to hang about, they can build layers of understanding all around us.

 

I feel like some people think that honoring a holiday makes it less 'fun' or means they can't relax and have a good time.  And there may be holidays that are more solemn for you as you learn more about them.   But I don't think we loose anything by having less reasons to party (and honestly, if you want to have a party, just have a party, no need to tie it into an observance that may be very heart-wrenching for others).  Taking the time to honor both the good and the bad lets us appreciate the good times even more, because we have those darker moments to contrast them against.  

It's also okay to recognize that some holidays are mixed blessings.  They may not be so black and white, fun or serious, but they may have bits of both.  And we can build time for serious reflection and time for boisterous fun into our celebrations...if we understand the many facets that make up a holiday.  In fact, this can create some truly memorable holidays, by leaning into the complexity of the holiday instead of just picking one part of it and turning it into a caricature.

The more layers of meaning we invest in a celebration, the more nuanced our celebrations become.  We can enjoy them on multiple layers, and not only have a wonderful experience with family and/or friends, but also have meaningful times to reflect on different issues or moments in time.  We can turn what was once a hollow holiday into a time of true connection.

Holding paradoxes

 

 When you stop to think about it, Faith is all about embracing paradoxes.  Faith asks us to believe in things we can't see, and can't prove (by traditional means).  And often, Faith and Science don't exactly agree.  But the thing is that both Faith and Science can hold paradoxes within them, and sometimes it's okay if you have conflicting thoughts and beliefs.

One of the areas I see a lot of discussion about is in deciding what is 'real'.  Especially when it comes to things like magic or spirits, people can get very caught up in wanting to prove that things are 'real', the same way that we experience the mundane world around us.  And I think there is great value in looking for mundane explanations first, ruling out the expected before we turn to the unexpected.  But I also think that many spiritual concepts just can't be quantified and proven...and that's okay.

I often think about this when I think about divinity.  I believe that the divine (God, Gods, higher self, Nature...however you conceive of divinity) exists in a way that is beyond our human understanding.  We ask questions, because that is how we come to understand things, but we don't always get answers (or we might not get the concrete answers we want), and sometimes that makes people uneasy.  For me, I embrace the paradox of believing in something that can't be proven but can only be felt.  It's like trying to prove to someone else that you are feeling something.  You can explain it with a million words, but they just have to take your words as truth, because we have no way of actually sharing our experiences directly with someone else.

I do tend to think of myself as a very science minded person.  I love logic, and I like things to make sense, which can sometimes be very frustrating when it comes to spiritual matters.  There are a lot of things that I have had to learn to take on faith, to understand that they work because they work, and I may not ever know why they work or how they work, but that has to be enough.

For me, one thing that I always come back to is the idea that even if I'm wrong, even if the gods I pray to don't exist....my spiritual practice brings me peace and joy, and that has value.  The rituals that I observe give me a way to deal with things in my life that I don't have a lot of other options for dealing with, and that has observable benefits in my life.  So even if I'm completely deluding myself, the things I do are beneficial to my life, and so in one sense it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, my path is still good for me.

And this is another place that paradox fits into my path.  I am constantly questioning my own practices and results.  I am looking for the ways in which I may be playing into my own desires.  Divination is a perfect example of this.  I read mostly for myself, and a lot of people (rightly) question whether your own internal bias will effect how you interpret cards for yourself.  I lean into this idea, and when I draw cards for myself, and I get a strong feeling about a meaning, I also ask myself if I am just seeing what I want to see in the cards (instead of seeing what is there).  I find that this helps me go deeper, because I question my own results, and through that process I uncover a lot about how I am thinking and feeling about a situation.

 

It is my personal opinion that questioning the things you believe in doesn't weaken your faith, but rather it makes it stronger.  I don't want to blindly follow, I want to question and poke at things and then make an informed choice.  And sometimes that means ignoring all the evidence to the contrary and taking that leap of faith, and sometimes it means adjusting my beliefs because the experiences I have don't line up with what I've been taught to believe. 

At the end of the day, my faith should serve my life.  I will always question, and I will always look for both the mundane and the fantastical explanations for things.  I will embrace the paradoxes of my faith, because I feel that strengthens my beliefs and gives me a stronger base on which to grow.  I will acknowledge the ways in which my path sometimes doesn't make logical sense...but still works for me.  And that is what is most important...that what you do works for you.

Remembrance through food

 

 At Samhain, we often share a meal, and many people set out a place for those who have passed.  And while many people feel certain foods are traditional, and like to make them, we can also make foods that remind us of those who have gone before, as a way to honor and remember them.

Food is such an integral part of our lives, and is very strongly related to memory.  I have so many food-related memories, and now when I eat certain foods I am reminded of people in my life. Some of those memories are from sharing food with people, but I also connect people to food because they taught me to make a certain dish.  And I have a few recipes that were passed down in my family, so even though I never knew the person myself, I can keep their memory alive by cooking their recipes.

I love the idea that we can pass on food memories as well.  If I cook a dish for a friend, and it's one I learned from my family, I can share my stories with them, and now they will have some of that memory to hold onto.  It makes me realize how connected we all are, and even though we may not share a blood line, we can forge connections to other people's ancestors and share in the memories they have left behind.

I also think that food creates a legacy, even if you don't know the stories.  It's a way for us to leave behind a little bit of ourselves, something that either we loved or we created, and people who knew us will be able to enjoy the same foods we loved after we are gone.  It brings me comfort to think that my son will think of me when he eats certain dishes, and if he has kids, maybe they will eat dishes and pass their love of them on.  Even once my name is forgotten, there will be that tie of food down through generations, and that is pretty nifty to me.

However, if you want to create more of a connection, it can be really lovely to create a meal of dishes that have emotional meaning to you, and to tell the stories about why you love these dishes with the other people eating with you.  You also don't have to limit yourself to those who have passed on.  By including the living, you create more connections between people, both here and gone.  And you might be surprised at how sharing your memories around food can surprise others...sometimes the things that we find the most meaning in may be missed by other people, even if they were involved.

I love hearing about how my friends and family have been affected by my role in their life, and I think it's important that we tell other people how we feel while they are still here to hear it.  But don't fret, you can still acknowledge other's impact in your life after the fact, and I find that taking the time to recognize how someone has influenced my life not only makes me grateful for those connections, but it reinforces in my brain the memories, keeping them alive in my heart.

And while this is something we may focus more on at Samhain, we needed restrict our adventures in food memories to just this time of year.  This is a lovely way to remember anniversaries (either of someone's birth or death, or any other significant date), by cooking a meal dedicated to a particular memory.  We can create memory feasts at any time that feels right!

And we don't even need other people to be present, if we want to have a private memory meal.  Especially if you are missing someone who either has passed on or who doesn't live close to you.  You can plan a meal that reminds you of the person you miss, and treat it as if you were sharing the meal with them.  Speak (or think) about them as you prepare and/or eat the food.  

Food is something we all share in common.  Everyone eats, and by sharing meals we connect with each other in ways that linger.  Whether we want to forge new memories (by sharing a feast with family or friends), remember those we've lost (and honor their memory through food) or feel connected to people who we don't get to see as often as we might like, food can be a powerful tool that lets us find our place in the world and share our memories with others.

Figuring out your spiritual needs

 

 One of the things I've always loved about Paganism is how much of it is very much 'choose your own.'  Sure, if you join a group or pursue degrees in an organization, there may be structure, but in our personal practice, there are no hard and fast rules or really anyone to tell us that we should (or should not) be practicing a particular way.

And in fact, this can be a struggle for a lot of people, both new and more experienced.  It's hard, because you kind of have to figure it out yourself, there is no guidebook to turn to when you have a question about how often to do a thing or whether one method is 'better' than another.  It definitely takes some getting used to, that every part of your practice is ultimately up to you.

I also think it complicates things that many resources out there suggest a way of doing things, but don't make it clear that it is JUST a suggestion!  I've read so many books that will introduce a practice, like meditation or reading tarot, and they will give suggestions on how often to do something, but not give a lot of options for if that one way doesn't quite work for you.

Meditation is a great example.  A ton of sources recommend meditating daily, often for between 10-30 minutes.  And for some people, that works great!  For others, it's too long, or too frequent.  Maybe you just don't have that much free time (and you don't want to spend what time you do have meditating!), or maybe you tried it and sitting for 30 minutes a day was just too much for your body.  

 

One saying I absolutely adore suggests that doing a thing at all is better than not doing it (often applied to difficult tasks, where we may not be able to do them perfectly or even completely, but doing a little is still better than not doing it at all).  In the case of meditation, if 30 minutes a day doesn't work for you, but you enjoy doing 30 minutes once a week on the weekend...do that!

Many people like to have a framework to start from, and books are great for that.  It used to be that Pagan books told you how to do things (as in they explained how to cast spells, how rituals were structured, how to ground), but didn't often suggest a plan for actually doing all the stuff.  However, in recent years, more books have come out with a plan, whether it is a way to build up practices or a full year of daily activities.

If those kind of things appeal to you, find one that seems enticing and give it a try!  I haven't seen a suggested plan yet that I feel I would be worse off for having tried it, even if it didn't work for my life.  So you really aren't out anything by giving things a go, and you might find that even if the whole plan doesn't work for you, bits of it do (and you can always keep the parts that work for you and let go of the rest!).

I think that having a rough idea of what you want your path to look like can help, so it may be useful to sit down and brainstorm about what spirituality means to you.  Are you looking for something with more structure, or do you need freedom to follow your whims?  Do you want daily practices that you can build on, or would you rather stick to bigger observations throughout the year (or both!)  How close of a relationship do you want with deities...or do you even want to work with any?  Do you want to work alone, with others or a combination?

These are a few, broad questions to start with, but anytime you learn something new, you can ask yourself how you see that fitting into your practice.  It might be that you want to start off learning a little bit about a bunch of different topics, just to see what interests you the most, or maybe you already have something you really want to dive deep into, and you can start planning out how you want to approach that study.

I feel like one thing to always keep in mind is that you are absolutely free to change your mind (and your practice!) at any given time.  You may have tried some things out, and realize that it's too much or not enough for your needs.  Adjusting how much time and energy you devote to this aspect of your practice can make it fit better with your life.  And remember, we are constantly changing, so our needs might change too...a practice that fits you now, might need adjusting in a few months, or even after decades of doing things a particular way.

 

Wherever you are on your path, spending some time to check in and see if your spiritual needs are being met (and are meshing with the rest of your life), can be a very helpful way to make sure you are living the best Pagan/witchy life you can.  And just taking a moment to think about whether you are doing enough, or too much, of anything can be a helpful starting point in figuring out just where that sweet spot is for you.  You may be surprised to find out that things that you thought were 'just fine' could actually use a little tweaking!

Brainstorming work

 

One of the things that I think takes the longest to get comfortable with is creating your own spells and rituals (or any practice really).  As much as I feel like Paganism embraces individualized and personalized practice, most books only go into the bare bones on how to build a working from the ground up, and many 101 books don't really talk about doing your own thing at all.  They just include a handful of premade spells and rituals, and often those don't really fit (because we are all individual, and we might live in a different country or time period from where the spell originated, which also makes things complicated).

 

I've always been a big fan of making your own spells (and for ease of wording, I'm going to say spells for the rest of this post, even though the same process can be used to build any spiritual working, from rituals to protections to Sabbats!), or at the very least tweaking the bits that don't work in spells you find out in the wild.  In my very early days I did work with spells straight out of books, and while it has a certain comfort level (because it's very easy to doubt your own capabilities), it was always like wearing hand-me-down clothes....they feel like they don't quite fit most of the time.

 

But writing your own spells can feel daunting, and for many people even figuring out where to start is an issue.  It's one of those weird things that feels like it should be talked about everywhere, and yet it's not, and when it is talked about, it's in a very bare bones kinda way (I mean even this blog post won't be as complete an explanation as might be wanted, but it's more extensive than a lot of the 'how to write your own spells' sections we see in books). 

The start is always the why...why are you doing a spell.  Note, I don't start with what you want to seek, because I feel like the why is always more important than the what.  The why will lead to the what (and sometimes, as you explore the why, you discover that you are actually needing to work towards a different what than you thought you did!)

So start by asking yourself why, and really dig in here.  If you wanted to make a spell to get a job, why are you looking for a job (do you want money, more excitement in your life, a chance to do something creative, or are you just bored).  Notice, that all of those things could be reasons to find a job...but many of them lead to very different types of jobs.  Knowing the why of your spell will help inform every step of the process!

Sometimes the why will be straightforward, like if you have a friend who is sick and you want to do something to help them heal.  You care about your friend and you want them better, that is your why.  But sometimes the why is more elusive, like if you want to loose weight, your why might be that you want to be healthier, but it might also include wanting to look better (and feel sexier or more confidant) and that you want to be able to play soccer without feeling winded immediately.  You don't have to pick just one why, in fact exploring the many reasons behind your spell can help you create a much more inclusive working!

If you are struggling with understanding your why, it can be helpful to get outside advice.  This might mean turning to your favorite divination method, and spending some time journaling out your whys, or it might mean asking a trusted friend or loved one for their input.  Just remember, if you are talking to other people, that you want to not only ask someone who you trust (and who knows you), but also someone who isn't going to try to talk you out of doing your work (sometimes you can get advice on your why without explaining what specifically you are planning on doing, so take our job example, you might ask a friend what type of job they think you would enjoy without telling them you are planning on doing a spell for it).

Once you have your why, you can start to think about the main shape your spell will take.  There are tons of types of spells out there, from candle spells to jar spells to bag spells or simple fire and forget spells.  This is one place where reading examples (especially examples that are similar to what you are planning, so if you are wanting to heal a friend, looking at a selection of healing spells can give you a sense of what other people have found works, and that is a great place to start!).  You might also just like one method over another, and prefer to use it, and that's perfectly fine too!

Almost every spell includes correspondences of some sort, whether they are physical items, representations or simply words to be called upon.  This is where your whys really come into play.  You will want something to represent all of your whys, so if I am wanting to loose weight (to be healthy, to look sexy and to be able to enjoy soccer more), then I should have at least one thing to represent each of my whys.

I sometimes think of deities as a way to include more correspondences.  I have a pretty wide group of deities I work with, so I have a lot of choices for deities that will fit my spell.  And sometimes you can work with multiple deities for the same spell, though this can often require more planning (and some deities just don't work well together, so understanding how they interrelate is important too).  You don't have to call on a deity for your spells, and some people have a patron deity that functions like a catch-all for them, when it comes to calling on deities in a spell.

I also want to note that spell creation isn't necessarily something that needs to be done all at once, in one sitting or quickly.  It can be, and learning to create on the fly is somewhat of a different skill, but for the purposes of this blog post, don't feel like you need to rush the process.  Sometimes, I will let an idea stew in my head, and that helps me come up with connections and ideas that I might have otherwise missed.  If you are planning your spell like this, having a notebook or some spot to jot down your ideas and thoughts as they come can be really helpful!

And, your actual 'spell work' doesn't have to be done in one setting either.  Sometimes, we ritualize the prep, especially if you are making any kind of herbal blend, poppet, totem or amulet/talisman (which might need to be prepared ahead of time).  Your spell might also extend into the future (like when you burn a 7 day candle for a spell), or have reactivation activities (like shaking a jar spell when it needs a boost or charging a ward every full moon).  

With any spell work, I think it's important to not pressure yourself too much over the results.  You aren't a bad witch/Pagan if you do a spell and it doesn't work out.  It's not even necessarily that the spell didn't work...sometimes our spells are like trying to hold back the push of the ocean with just your hands....you might not have enough force to create the change you are working towards.  But every spell you do (especially those you create) help you become better at them in the future!

One thing that I think can be important (but often overlooked) when talking about spell creation is reflecting on, and adjusting, the spell after the fact.  Especially for something (like a healing spell) that you might want to use again in the future, taking the time to think about (and make some notes on) what went well and what didn't go as well as you would have liked, along with how the spell felt as you did it and the results afterward...these all help to let you refine the spell for future use.

 

Creating your own spells isn't as hard as it first seems, and the benefits are countless.  Not only does it give you the ability to tailor your spells to your exact needs, but it also gives you complete control over what you use to do your spell, what deities (if any) you choose to work with, and how complicated or simple you prefer your work to be.  I highly recommend anyone who hasn't made their own spells give it a try...it's not as scary as it sounds!

Irregular practice

 

I think that when we think about our spiritual path, we always think of regular practice as the gold standard.  But more than just an ideal to strive for, we can beat ourselves up if we don't manage to keep our practice regular.  And yet, we live in a world that does not allow for our religion, and honestly life in general can be problematic for a regular practice.

 

What do we even mean about a regular practice?  For some people it means honoring the Sabbats (or whatever big, yearly celebrations you honor in your path), for others it might be working through the moon cycle, and for some it means daily practice.  But regardless of how frequent your observances are, when we miss one (for any reason), we can feel completely thrown off.

 

And I want to examine that thought a bit more.  Sometimes we end up not having time to make our spiritual observances because we have obligations (like job, family or something else outside of ourselves).  These kind of obligations can feel oppressive, often because we have zero choice about them.  Our job might have a set schedule, and we can't just take a day off because it's the full moon (and we don't have the privilege of our worship days being considered 'normal' days off).  Or we may simply have too much that we have to do in our 'time off' and by the time we get that all done, we don't have energy to devote to our spiritual practice.  

It's sad that we live in a day and age where we still have to make the choice between our mental health and our physical well-being (even though we KNOW that bad mental health impacts our physical health as well...but we also don't want to be starving and homeless).  It's frustrating to know that we don't get the same opportunities other people do, when it comes to religion and the observation of our faith.  But we also have to recognize the facts, and the facts are that sometimes we don't have the same options as other people, and we have to make do with the best we can manage.

We also have to deal with personal judgements on our spirituality.   A lot of people will accept "Sorry, I have church," as a perfectly valid reason to not do something else, but if we say "Sorry, I have ritual," we are being anti-social or rude.  And so we may end up having to choose between our faith and our friends/family.  Sometimes we can get away with making white lies, with giving some other reason why we are unavailable....but that can make us feel shame about something that is important to us, something that we shouldn't have to hide or make excuses for.  Or we may have to make the decision to cut people out of our life because they can't accept that this is something that is deeply important to us, and we shouldn't have to feel bad about making time for it!

As frustrating as external reasons are for interrupting your practice, personal ones can be more damaging to our psyche.  We are all human, and sometimes that means we forget things.  As someone who really struggles with both executive dysfunction and time blindness, keeping up with things is a huge struggle for me.  And the mental fatigue and stress that come along with that struggle are not great for either self-worth or actually doing things.  

One of the biggest things I have done to help me have a more regular practice....is to be kind with myself when it's not.  I have done a LOT of work coming to terms with the fact that I can't do all of the things that I want to do, and that on a bad day, I may not be able to do anything that I wanted to.  And that no matter how many systems I put in place to help me, I'm probably not going to 'always' do things.  And learning how to be okay with that took work.

I feel like another huge thing is to embrace the concept of 'just for today'.  Yes, I need to be aware of my own history, of both my strengths and weaknesses...but I also need to NOT beat myself up over my mistakes.  It doesn't matter how many times I've missed doing a thing....I can always do it today.  And if I didn't do it today, I can always do it tomorrow.  Sometimes this means me taking a moment to just let go of that expectation and judgement of myself.

I have always loved thinking about my path as a spiral....it's cyclical in that I work with a lot of cycles, but each time I walk that path, I am raising to a new level.  I'm building on each and every step I've taken before...and it doesn't matter if sometimes I miss steps or if there are long breaks.  Because I will never be walking over the same ground again, each step will be a new one and each one will carry with it all of my previous steps!

And there is something about that image that I find so comforting.  Even when I have to remind myself of things I've learned before, I'm not really starting over.  Even when I feel like I have lost everything, even when nothing feels familiar as I relearn, I am still a different person than I was the last time I worked on this particular thing, so I will be able to figure out new aspects of it.  And as someone who has to repeat stuff a lot, that is pretty comforting to me.

So I encourage you all to keep pecking away at what you want to do.  Set big goals!  If you want a daily practice, work towards it!  But whenever you falter (and you will, best you accept that right away), send yourself some love, learn what you can from the experience...and take the next step (when you are able to). 

Modern spell ingredients

 

 There is this concept, in many magical circles, that man-made stuff isn't suitable for magic.  If you consider most correspondence lists, or spells/rituals that have been published, the stuff you need is almost always natural.  And personally, I find this to be a silly restriction to limit yourself with!

I think that when we consider the history of witchcraft, we are talking about a practice that flourished among the common people...in that it wasn't something that required fancy schooling, expensive stuff or anything like that.  And I think that's why so many magical workings use natural ingredients (and if you look into it, they used local ingredients)...because they were there, relatively easy for anyone to get...and free.

Today, we are in the almost opposite situation.  Many witchy folks don't live near large natural places, where they can harvest whatever they may want or need.  In fact, many of us probably didn't know that much about different plants and animals...until we became Pagan and started learning.  It's just not an everyday thing for us now.

Instead, what we have familiarity with is man-made things.  We know what they are used for, and sometimes we understand how they function better than we understand the natural world.  But we still turn our nose up at using modern and man-made things, as if they can't hold magic.  

What makes this extra strange, is there are some things that have managed to escape being put into the 'non-magical' box.  We embrace the magical nature of candles, of bottles/boxes, of blades and chalices, of mass printed tarot cards or machine tooled stones.  And if you think about it, these are all things that were the 'technology' of our ancestors.  They embraced new things that people made, and they used what they had at hand.

So what does this mean for us?  Well, my personal opinion is that we should do the same...we should look at the world around us, at the stuff we already use every day, and take inspiration for our magic from there!

First, let's think about some of the man-made stuff we already accept as magical.  Let's talk candles.  While we often use candles as a representation of fire, they were also a light source.  Using a candle for a spell meant you could see (especially when you remember that a lot of old magic suggests doing things at night...and without modern lighting, that would make it pretty dark, especially if the moon wasn't present.  Using modern lighting, instead of candles, isn't that far of a leap to make, and we have so many really cool lighting options now that make it even more of a customizable tool for magic!

Keys are another thing that we have accepted as magical, but again, when you talk about keys (in magical terms), the mental image is almost always of the old, skeleton key style.  And while those have their charm, modern keys give us a lot of different options.  We can use car keys for things involving movement, house keys for protection, padlock keys (or padlocks!) for security or secrecy.  We could use a key blank as a universal opener.  We can even get a bit creative with non-physical 'keys'....with our passwords!  Give them a magical twist to enhance your personal security...or to enchant whatever the password unlocks (want your bank account to be more prosperous....work that into your password!)  A nice side-effect of this is often our magical words are not easy to guess (so harder to hack)!

A lot of spells include paper, and we often see specific types of paper requested, whether it is handmade or brown paper.  But we have paper all around us!  We could use magazine pages (pick the page based on your intent), old bills (for work associated with the bill), printed pages (the sky is the limit, find pictures that fit or type out some train of thought about the topic...you can also print over stuff, so you can layer multiple things on the same page).  These are especially great for doing dream boards or wish work...collect images that feed your goals!

I personally find toys to be a wonderful source of inspiration.  Often they come in a huge range of shapes and sizes, many times they move (so you can position them in the way that works best for you).  And many toys come built in with meaning (correspondences!) that may reach back into our childhood.  Think about it...we weren't raised on fairy tales or legends, we were raised on cartoons and tv shows...so those characters are going to have deep rooted meaning for us.  Why not tap into that, and use symbols that resonate with your inner child.

I know that many people love having their magic stuff feel magical, and that it being a bit anachronistic makes it feel more special (because it's NOT stuff we use everyday).  There is absolutely nothing wrong with building your practice like this....IF it's what speaks to you.  But if you struggle with finding herbs or stones, why not try looking towards modern stuff?  See if it will also work for you.  Because sometimes, working with what is always at hand makes things feel more magical...since now everything in your life can be infused with magic!

Making your home magical

 

 Often when we talk about a 'magical home' we have this picture in our head, of a big gothic mansion, with herbs and potion bottles scattered about, a cat or two roaming the halls and candles enough to be a fire hazard.  But there are many ways to make your home more magical, and ideally your home should reflect not only the aesthetic of everyone who lives there, but also be functional as well.

I adore a lot of witchy aesthetics, but many of them simply don't work for my life.  Candles are a perfect example.  I adore them, have loved them since I was a child.  But I am all over the house, and there is never really a good time or place to just have candles burning (especially because we have kitties who have zero sense of fire safety lol).  When I do burn candles, I feel like I have to carry them everywhere with me (including the bathroom...which can be tricky), and even when I use big pillar candles (with the fire sunk deep down) or jar candles (which are similarly protected) I am very mindful of remembering to put them out (which means part of my brain is constantly aware of the candles...not relaxing nor is it good for working on projects).

I still use candles, and candles are not only a part of my witchy practice, but also sometimes tools I use (especially scented candles) for writing (ritualize everything!) but they really can't be part of my home aesthetic (at least not lit ones...I have candles sprinkled throughout the house)  Also, with my eyesight, I need decent (white) light sources or it increases my eye strain, so while I can watch tv or just chill in a candlelit room, I can't read or do anything that requires reading well.

Of course aesthetics isn't the only way to add magic to your home.  A very common way is to add altar spaces, which may be in one room or multiple rooms, they may be working altars or devotional, and they might be obvious or camouflaged.  Camouflaged altars might just look like a collection or even just a decorative space.  The top of my desk is an altar, but I bet to most people it just looks like I collect a bunch of stuff.

This is something that I adore about personalized witchcraft...my sacred objects might not look like what you expect.  I have sacred dice, sacred coins, sacred cards (like trading cards), sacred toys...alongside the more traditional statuary, crystals and tools.  But having that flexibility to have dice dedicated to my deities allows me to fold magic into other aspects of my life, places that might not traditionally be associated.

 

We can also add blessings, wards and other workings around our house!  One of my favorite ways to do this is to tuck them behind, under or inside other things.  Draw or write out a blessing for every picture you hang in your house (especially for people, but you can bless things that other pictures remind you of as well).  Inscribe wards on the edges of doors (you can tuck them on the top of doors where no one can see, or even by the hinges, so that the two parts of the symbol meet when the door is closed).  I have tucked working papers in between the mattress and box springs of my bed, in the back of the laundry cupboard and in books (bonus points for matching the working to the book).

And some things are a mix of form and function.  I love picking out furniture, and making choices based on the correspondences of the item.  Browns remind me of nature and the earth, blues are restful to the mind, yellow is buzzed up on energy.  I pick things for the energy I want for everything I can, from clothes to my toothbrush to the jewelry I wear.

Speaking of making things work, take some time to think about the tools of your craft...what items do you need to have at hand to practice your path.  When I was first starting, I was at home and not 'out', so I kept all my magical stuff in one place (a wooden box meant to hold a chess set, and then after that a toolbox).  Not only did this keep my stuff safe from prying eyes, but it also made it easy to grab my 'magic kit' anytime I wanted to do anything...and pretty much I'd have what I needed.

Now, I have the luxury of being able to keep a lot of things out in the open, which is really helpful for my brain.  Especially when it comes to things (like tarot/oracle decks) where I have quite a few and would typically only use one at a time.  But I know that tucking them away in a drawer would mean I would forget (I'm very much out of sight, out of mind), so I found ways to have them out, so I can see them all when I am searching for a deck.  It's massively helpful for me!

And if you can't keep things fully out, there are ways to handle that too!  I used to keep all my obviously witchy books in one small bookshelf, that has glass doors on the front.  Simple solution:  I taped some pictures on the inside of the glass, so the doors looked decorative (and of course they were fantasy/witchy/magical pictures!) but they also hid the books inside.  Another great thing to use for this is tension rods and curtains.  (and bonus, tension rods are great for displaying jewelry so it's visible!)

Finally, you can consider your regular activities (you know, the stuff you do in your home), and how you might twine your path with them.  Cleaning is the obvious one for me, and I try to cleanse whenever I clean (in fact, I keep bells tied to my broom to help me remember).  Laundry could be a time to release any old emotions/energy (before the wash) and bless your clothes for the future (folding/putting it away).  Showering is a good time to do an energetic scan of your body.  And of course, we have cooking, which is pretty much magic already.

There are a million ways to make your home more magical, and I hope I gave you some ideas for a few.  But don't limit yourself to what I have mentioned, look for stuff that makes YOU think of magic, your path, your deities, your guides or any other part of your personal practice, and then think of how you could infuse those concepts in your home.  Don't be afraid to try things out and see if you like them...and "I just like it" is always a perfect response to anyone asking "Why do you have/do that?"

Offerings

 

Many people include offerings as a part of their practice.  These could be offered up to the divine, to spirits, to ancestors or even simply to the earth.  The type of things that are offered up vary as widely as the people doing the offering...and those receiving it. Offerings range from simple and quick to elaborate and extravagant.

So, what is the purpose of an offering...what role does it play in your practice?  There are lots of reasons why people make offerings, and your path may influence how you think about offerings, but there is often still lots of room to have your own relationship with the idea of offering.  Some consider offerings to be a way of 'feeding the gods' and see it as a way to give back for all of the lovely influence our deities have in our life.  Others see them as tokens of affection, similar to how you might give a friend or loved one a gift just to let them know you are thinking about them.  Another perspective is that offerings are part of the relationship between you, sort of the social construct of witchy work (I work with this being, so they expect offerings).

As you can see, there is a lot of variance in how people think about offerings.  And each one has it's own nuances about what types of offerings might be expected.  As I mentioned before, there are lots of traditional offerings, and many deities have commonly accepted offerings that are strongly associated with them.  However, many people also find their own offerings...through their personal interactions with a particular being.  Especially for ancestor work, if you had a special thing that you shared with someone, that would make a beautiful offering!

A less often talked about thing, when it comes to offerings, is your personal circumstances.  Many people would love to make fancy offerings, but may not be able to afford them.  There is a bit of a misconception out there, that the more elaborate the offering, the 'better' it is.  But offerings come in SO many shapes and sizes and I personally feel that something offered up from the heart, with pure intent, has more spiritual 'weight' than a fancy offering that has no thought or emotion behind it.  

Ethics can also come into play, when we talk about offerings.  Perhaps a traditional offering is something we no longer find acceptable (like animal sacrifices).  Or it may be a personal thing, like not wanting to use alcohol as an offering because you have issues with alcohol.  I struggle with leaving out food offerings because of a combination of issues about leaving food out and food wastage.

And I think that if you have reservations about a particular offering, that will flavor the offering.  It's like giving a gift that you don't really want to give...sometimes the other person can tell.  If you are conflicted about your offering, think about what that says about the relationship.  The tricky bit is that sometimes, we are called to give offerings that we may have thoughts about, and part of the offering is making that personal sacrifice (like when you know your friend isn't as into a particular activity as you are, but they offer to come with you because they love you and know you want someone to do it with).  You are the only person who can decide if an offering is something you are willing to make, and how much out of your comfort zone you are willing to go.

Don't be afraid to try different offerings!  Most of the time, when we are making offerings, it is with a being we are wanting to work with.  If we offer something that isn't idea, we might get feedback that will let us know that something else is desired.  Or we may just get a feeling that the thing we offered wasn't as well received as we might have liked.  If you feel that way, it's a good time to check in and what might be a better fit.  Use whatever means you prefer to communicate, this might be a good time for divination or visualization!

I think it's important to remember that offerings are part of a relationship...they are a way of building it up and reinforcing the connection between you.  Which means that your personal boundaries are important!  If you feel like you need to offer something you simply are not comfortable with, then be vocal about it.  Be clear about why you can not offer the thing desired, and try different options to find something that might be acceptable instead.  If there can be no compromising, then you really have to ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship.

Offerings can be a wonderful part of your practice, and can be a great tool for deepening the relationships you have built within your path.  But we still need to make sure that all aspects of our practice fit with our lives (and our personal moral compass).  So don't be afraid to try new things, to negotiate your personal boundaries, and to ask what other things might be favorable options for an offering.

Giving without loosing yourself

 

 Lammas is around the corner, and it's a time of year when I always thing of generosity and bounty.  And sometimes, especially when you don't have a lot, it can be hard to feel like you are embodying that generous spirit.  Especially when we feel pushed (often by society) to 'give'...when we might not have enough ourselves.  Navigating the line between generosity and your personal boundaries can be quite tricky!

I think the first step is always to start with an honest evaluation of where you are.  Many of us feel like we are in a bad place, and obviously this is true for many of those people.  But sometimes, we feel like we are in a place of want, and then when we actually sit down and take a personal accounting, we realize there are a lot of ways in which we have more than we thought we did.

And this (taking a personal accounting) can be a great way to recognize where in your life you have some extra.  Maybe you like to cook in huge batches, and then get tired of it before you can eat it all...and perhaps you can invite friends over to share in your meals (not only helping them if they are struggling, but also saving you from having to eat the same thing for a week straight!).

But it also lets you become aware of any deficits.  To continue the previous example, maybe you have a little garden and you got in a bumper crop of tomatoes.  You talk it over with some friends and agree that they will drop off some other ingredients or bring side dishes, and you will make up a big batch of spaghetti or chili.  Everyone can enjoy it, people can bring some home, but everyone can contribute what they can to the meal as well.  

The important thing is to not fall into the trap of  "other people have it worse so I should always give to someone who is worse off than me".  This is where personal boundaries must be enforced.  If I honestly am struggling to pay bills and buy the necessity stuff, then I might not be in a place to give money to a homeless person.  Yes, they are absolutely worse off than me, but there are also a lot of people in the world worse off than me, and if I try to help them all, I will need help myself.

Instead, try to find the places where you can share a little.  Maybe that means finding things that you don't need anymore and donating them to shelters or outreach programs.  Maybe it means offering your time and labor to help in a community project.  Maybe you can connect people who are in a position to help with those who need it.

Even if you have nothing physical to give, you may be able to share information.  Help people in need find programs that will be able to help them.  Pass along good articles on ways to stretch resources or upcycle things.  When you find tips that work, save them and share them!

We tend to think of our harvest in a literal way.  It is the stuff we have (money, food, items...stuff).  But we are so much more than our stuff!  We have compassion, we have love, we have understanding.  Sometimes, what people need is simply to be treated like a person.  They want to talk about what they are going through and they want someone to listen.  They may not even want help (in the traditional sense), but might need a little compassion.  

And even though we are talking about non-physical stuff, you still need to remember your boundaries!  If you are already exhausted after taking care of your own life (you know:  job, family, self-care), then you may not have energy to give.  Or maybe you have time, but no emotional energy (or vice versa).  Sometimes navigating your boundaries means negotiating different ways to help.  Just remember that if you wear yourself out, you can't help anyone (especially yourself!)

Each and every one of us deserves to have enough.  And when you have enough, you can start sharing the extra (and that includes both stuff and non-stuff).  If we start thinking more like a community filled with individuals instead of just a bunch of people stuck in the same place together, it becomes easier to care about strangers...and when you care, you want to help!

So start by taking stock.  See where you stand, where you lack and where you have extra.  And talk to people!  Start with those you know.  See where your lacks and extras overlap.  And then reach even further out.  Think about what you have extra of and where that could help.  If more of us approached life like this, just imagine the amazing world we could create!

What does independence mean?

 

 In America we talk about independence a lot..but I feel like we've lost so much of it's meaning.  We speak as if freedom means being 'free' from rule, and yet, we are ruled by so many things in life.  We have laws that we must follow, financial restrictions, and lately so many social issues where groups argue over who has the right to do what.

Most of us live, have always and will always live as a part of society.  Even if we may feel isolated from time to time, we are still impacted by the people around us.  And being part of a community can bring both levels of independence and levels of dependence.

In this modern age, we are reliant on money to live.  We have to trade our time, energy and often resources to make money to pay for the things that are necessary for life (food, shelter, etc).  And we like to think that, if we can pay all our bills, we are 'independent'.  But I think that much of that independence is an illusion.

So many people are one tragedy away from disaster.  What that tragedy is may differ from person to person.  For some, it may mean any unexpected issue, like having your car break down or needing to buy a new appliance.  For others, it may mean saying the wrong thing and loosing their fan base (and thus their income).  And all of us are one accident away from disability.  And we are not set up, as a society, to help everyone become independent, so once you reach a threshold of dependence, it is virtually impossible to recover.

I also feel like independence speaks to our ability to choose.  If we are independent, we can decide what we want to do for a living (and we aren't just slotted into a job because it was the only one we could get and now we're stuck).  We would have the choice to live our life how we decide (and that means being able to dress how we want, love who we want, and be who we want to be).  It only takes one peek into the news or social media to realize that we don't have those choices, that there are many choices we can make where we will be punished for what we chose.

This especially relates to social issues.  There are many people in the world who believe that they know what is best for everyone, and they will do everything in their power to push their views onto other people.  This is one place where we come to a tricky issue, because those of us who want people to have choices, who want people to be free to be themselves, we aren't going around trying to force other people to think like us, and therefor the other side has the advantage.

And this is where I think we need to draw the line.  We need to start fighting back.  There is a difference between trying to force other people to agree with you and allowing them to push their beliefs on everyone else.  We can say "it's fine for you to think a certain way, but you don't have the right to force others to live by your beliefs."  And we can push back when they try to do it anyways.

As Pagans, we are one of many groups who still has to fight for our rights.  Our right to not have our children taught someone else's religion in school.  Our right to have our beliefs respected (and not belittled or laughed at).  Our right to the same religious privileges as others (being able to take our holidays off, being able to wear symbols of our faith, being able to hold religious ceremonies in public).  And many of us know that we can't only stand up for ourselves and we can't only fight our own battles.  If we stand with other groups who are having their independence threatened, then there is a good change they will stand by us...and that is how the world should work!

Now we all stand up for ourselves (and others) in our own way.  Some people like to get out in the world and protest.  Others may prefer to write letters to politicians.  Others lead discussions online, trying to educate people.  Some write blog posts *grin  Some might do what they can to help people find their independence, while others comfort those who need help right now.

And some of us take up our tools and work to create the world we want to see.  We address the injustices of the world through magic, and we direct our energy towards changing the parts of the world that are broken.  We want everyone to be able to find their path, to live the life they want to live, and to be happy.  And that is what I think independence means:  the ability to live YOUR life...the way you want to live it.  And it is worth fighting to make sure that everyone has that opportunity.

Breaking Dad stereotypes

 

We live in a world that is still tilted towards the masculine, and yet the role of Father is one that is still full of confusion and apprehension.  For some reason, the idea of men and kids just doesn't compute for a lot of people, and they assume that any man needs to be taught to be a Father (while women just naturally 'know' how to be mothers...which is problematic in it's own right, but not the topic of today's blog!)  But also, a lot of the things that we still teach men about what it means to be a man feels like it is in direct conflict with what we talk about when it comes to good parenting.

 

And I think a part of that is that we are in a place in history where we are unlearning what traditional gender roles are and trying to break into a new way of navigating the world.  Many people are already working through their issues with traditional masculine behaviors and attitudes, but they still may be at a loss when it comes to parenting.

 

One of the first things I think we need to talk about is the role of Fatherhood.  Fatherhood is simply put, the act of being a father, but even though we have different words for a male parent versus a female one, the 'duties of fatherhood' are not intrinsically different from the 'duties of motherhood'.  In fact, I go so far as to flat out say that it doesn't matter your gender, you are a parent, and being a father isn't that different from being a mom.

 

Especially when you look at something like single parenthood.  Many people talk about it as if the single parent is 'taking on the roles of both mother and father', but we have lots of examples, from around the world, about the different ways in which we parent.  Many families break the 'traditional' gender roles when it comes to parenting, because that is what works for their family.

 

Some of the things that we used to link to fatherhood are:  being a provider, being a disciplinarian, teaching your son's to be men (while it was the mother's job to teach daughters to be women).  But in a world where it isn't always the man (or only the man) that is working to provide for the family, this narrative falls apart in the real world because it limits a parent in how they parent based on their gender.

I would argue that part of being a good parent is seeing to your children's needs.  This includes things like providing for them (because obviously kids need things that cost money), setting up boundaries (and using appropriate discipline to help your kids learn the rules of society).  Honestly, I think we can get rid of teaching our boys/girls to be men/women and instead just teach our kids how to adult.

And this circles right back around to dismantling gender stereotypes.  Yes, there are some biological things that kids growing up will need to learn how to manage.  Periods, shaving, puberty, sex education...these are ALL things that can actually be helped by busting through gender binaries and teaching all kids about how different people experience things.  Speaking as someone who had periods, if every kid at school had been taught how periods worked, and to be kind about issues that might come up with them, things would have been a lot less stressful...and I'm sure the same could be said about erections or voice changes.

I also think a big part of growing up is learning how to manage things like emotions, stress, setbacks and any number of other things that we have to face as a part of adult (and even kid) life.  And the old ways, where men were expected to keep everything inside and always put on a strong face isn't serving anyone.  So why would we want to push this mentality onto our children?

 

Parenthood starts with love.  We love our kids, and we want the best for them.  We want them to grow up to be healthy adults, able to pursue the life they want to live and become the people they want to be.  And we get there by being who our kids need us to be.  That might mean listening to them cry over their most recent heartbreak or showing them how to change a tire on the car.  It may mean learning to style hair the way they want, helping them find exercise that they love or showing them how to cook their favorite foods.  It is teaching all of them, regardless of gender, how to live on their own, which means being able to take care of themselves and their home.

It also means encouraging everyone to step up and take responsibility for their actions....which definitely includes being a father to any kids you have helped create.  I'm very much oversimplifying here, but every kid deserves to be loved, and it is your responsibility, as a parent, to put your kid's well being above your feelings about your ex.  No kid ever wants to feel like they aren't loved because their parents can't get along.

And while biology can make you a father, it doesn't take biology to be a father.  Anyone who steps into the parent role with a loving heart will be an amazing parent!  The child you help raise might not be related to you, and in some ways that requires even more love and dedication (though I bet that most parent's in this situation will tell you that they don't think of it this way, they just love their kid like everyone else).

Even if you aren't a father, you can help support fathers who are trying to become more than what they were taught to be.  You can help them learn new things that will enable them to connect with and be responsible for their kids in ways that might not come naturally to them.  You can be there for them when they are having a rough time, and you can reassure them that their best is absolutely enough, and that even if they make mistakes, if their heart is in the right place, their kids will know.

We are all in this journey of life together, and we can't become better if we don't help each other.  So whether you are a father or not, you know one.  Maybe we need to all take some time to really think about what we expect from fathers....and what we should expect.

Modern Hearth worship

 

Many cultures honor a hearth deity, and the hearth used to be the heart of the home.  It was a source of heat and used for cooking, often being seen as the heart of the home.  But in modern times, we don't have the same reliance on the hearth, and in fact our cooking and heating are not only done by different sources, but they are relatively simple to use (as in we don't have to chop and haul wood or tend the fire all day).  So the hearth has lost some of it's power and magic in our lives.

And as a result of that, I feel like we often don't see our homes in the same way that our ancestors might.  We have made so many changes to the world, and so many technological advancements to make life better and easier, but in doing so we have lost some of the reverence for the things that are central to our well being.

Our home is much more than simply a container to keep the elements off of us.  It is our own personal sanctuary.  The space we cultivate to be comfortable and safe for us.  We decorate it to our tastes, and we keep all the stuff that's important to us here.  It is where we recover from the world, where we rest and where we prepare to face the day.

 

But a lot of people don't embrace the idea of home as much as they could.  They decorate their home in a way that they think makes them look good (to friends and family...and online strangers), they don't customize it in ways that really work for them (either because they rent and can't do a lot of customization or they are considering resale value and too much variation from the 'norm' is less desirable).  

Our home should serve us, in the sense that we should make accommodations where we can, so that our home suits us and our lifestyle.  When our son moved out on his own, we adjusted our space so it suited the two of us...because we were the ones that lived here.  Our living room furniture is giant bean bag chairs...because that is what we find comfortable.  Our 'spare room' is a game room, which means we don't have a guest room (but we also really don't have space to dedicate a space to having people stay over...when we almost never have people stay over!)

When I think about the heart of my home, I don't think of the stove.  Often, I feel the heart of our home is our living room...because that is where we spend the bulk of our time.  Sometimes I think of our laundry 'room' (it's a little closet with the washer/drier in it) the heart of our home...because it's literally in the center of the house (so if I want to do a house blessing, I'll always include the laundry room, and that's often where I'll tuck things to effect the whole house).

I also view cleaning as a hearth worship activity (which makes it slightly more tolerable to clean...because I'm doing it to show affection and respect for my home).  Both the regular every day kind of cleaning but also when I notice those cobwebs in the corner or smudges on the wall and I want to make our home as nice looking as possible...not for outsiders, but because it is OUR home.

I think having a dedicated home altar space is nice, but not everyone can do it.  Maybe you don't have a lot of space or maybe not everyone in the house would approve of (or understand) a home altar.  It's okay to not keep a dedicated space, or to have discrete home altars.  Even though hubby is aware of (and supports) my beliefs, I try not to dominate our house with only Pagan stuff (because he lives here too!), so I don't have a dedicated home altar.  Instead I have an offering bowl on top of the fridge, I tuck crystals into cupboards and tuck symbols behind pictures.  

But I think of my house as it's own being, and I talk to them (especially as I'm cleaning).  I try to be aware of how our house energy feels, and when it starts to feel off, I'll spend some time working with the house spirit to get things sorted out and good again.  

I feel like one of the most important things to remember is to not take your home for granted.  For those of us lucky enough to have never been homeless, it is easy to assume we will always have a home.  It is easy to come home and enjoy all that our home has to offer...without actually acknowledging our home spirit.  But learning to consider the spirit of your home, to think about where the heart of it is, to find ways to give back to our home (through cleaning and improvements)...this is what brings it's hearth to life!