Mother's Day can be a landmine for anyone who has a complicated relationship with their mother (or I should say with the person who birthed them). Because that's really what this post is about....that just giving birth doesn't make you a Mother. I feel like we've imbued the word Mother with energies that are earned (and it's really not that hard to earn them...love is they key to it all!).
Speaking as someone who has had a child, and who often didn't feel connected with the role of Mothering, and someone who had a complicated relationship with their own mother (who was a good mother, we just didn't always line up in our understandings when I was little), I have always had a bit of a disconnect with the closeness that is often shown between a mother and child.
When I was in the middle of raising our son, there were a ton of times where I felt not worthy, where I thought I was being a 'bad mother' or where I just felt completely out of my depth. I worried all the time that our son would grow up damaged from my own lack.
The thing is, now that I'm beyond the day to day (since son is grown and on his own), I can look at him and be proud, not only of the man he's grown to be, but the influences of myself I see in him. And I honestly feel that trying to be a better mother is the absolutely most important thing.
Where I feel the real difference between mother and birthgiver is in your focus. Mothers (regardless of whether they are birthgivers or not) want the best for their child. They want to see them grow into the person they are, they want to help them but still challenge them, they want them to become independent, whole people.
Often the people who clamor the loudest about how great of a mother they are aren't focused on their child at all. They take every opportunity to make their child all about them. Their child becomes an accessory, something they can show off or use to demonstrate how wonderful they are (or overworked, or patient or whatever they feel they want to be perceived as). ((I should note, not every person who treats a child in their care this way is the birthgiver, nor the mother, but since this is a Mother's day post, that is where my focus is in this post))
There is a loud group of people who want to equate birthgiver with Mother and demand that everyone (but especially the child) give the birthgiver respect. Except they aren't really talking about respect (basic or otherwise), they are actually talking about obedience and borderline worship. Like the child somehow owes their birthgiver everything and should be paying them back with their life.
And there is something very messed up about that attitude. Even if you have the best mother in the world, and you are very grateful for their role in your life...you don't owe them (and they probably wouldn't want you to think of it as a debt)! There is a huge difference between gratitude and appreciation and servitude (and there are people who treat their children as slaves).
Now, I want to clarify, that I'm all for chores, for teaching children responsibility (and respect), for showing children how to take care of themselves (and others) as well as their environment. As a Mother (or Father, or caregiver of any kind), I definitely feel part of your 'job' is to ready the child for life as an adult, and that includes teaching responsibilities.
But there is a huge difference between teaching a child to help around the house with appropriate chores, and requiring them to do all the housework in order to 'earn' basic necessities (like food). There is a difference between teaching children manners and forcing them to 'respect their elders' (especially when those elders are being skeevy or overbearing). There is a difference between asking children to help with things they can manage (like taking care of a pet or helping a parent get dinner ready) and expecting them to take care of the parent (because the parent is lazy or demanding, not because there is an actual need).
It's definitely a thing that has a lot of shades of grey and isn't simple, but I feel that it's something that is SO ingrained in us as a society that around this time of year I always want to put these thoughts out there, in case anyone is struggling with their relationships with their birthgiver. Just giving birth doesn't make you a mother, and you have full rights to cut ties with anyone (including blood relatives) who are toxic in your life...including your birthgiver!
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