Sex and Ritual

 

A lot has changed in the Pagan community in the years since I first started learning, and one of the big changes is in regards to sex.  Now, sex is a taboo topic for many people, and it's one of those subjects that most people receive very mixed messages about from the media.  We are taught to be both embarrassed by any and all discussions of sex and also it's shoved in our face in tv/movies and advertising.

When I first started learning, there was a lot of sexual concepts that were taught as 'standard', from the Great Rite (both in actual and in symbolic forms) to passing a kiss around the circle, to various forms of sexual magic (both magic done through sex and magic done with the purpose of creating opportunities for sex or otherwise enhancing sexual situations).

While sex in and of itself isn't bad or dirty or something to be avoided, the attitudes towards sex and ritual were less that desirable.  There was always shame put on anyone who wasn't comfortable (for any reason) with sexual content (including nudity at ritual), and sex was something that was 'on the table' for most group work (even if you chose to abstain personally, there might be sex acts going on around you).

Even outside of group situations, a lot of magic (and the process of teaching magic) was done with the bonded pair put forth as the desired working situation.  Where a man and a woman would join in a magical partnership, and sex was often a part of this bonding process.  Sometimes same sex pairings would be 'allowed' but even then, one person was expected to take on the masculine role and one the feminine (based on the idea that it was the joining of these two opposing energies that would create powerful magic).

I'm quite happy with the direction that things have taken in more recent years.  Not only do you rarely hear about things like the Great Rite (which really always sounded to me like an excuse for coven leaders to have sex with multiple partners...which of course it's fine to have multiple partners, but don't use magic as your cover, just be honest about what you want and with whom), but consent has become a much bigger topic of conversation.

Consent is one of those things that definitely needs to be talked about more (in general society), and it amuses me that most often the groups that are seen as somewhat outside the norm (LGBT+, kink, polyamory) often have a way better understanding of what consent actually means.  Consent doesn't just mean getting the other person to say yes, it means that they actually want to say yes, that they want to say yes throughout the whole encounter, and that they feel no pressure or shame if they were to say no.

So what does this mean for sex and ritual?  It means, that if you are planning on doing anything sexual, that you need to have proper consent from everyone involved...and that means everyone involved needs to understand exactly what is going on.  It means that if someone isn't interested in doing this kind of work, that they aren't shamed or otherwise treated poorly for sitting out a ritual (nor are they pressured in any way to participate).  This also means that you can't use "but sex is part of this ritual" as an excuse to be unfaithful to your regular partner (in a relationship that wouldn't normally allow you to have other partners).

And even if you aren't part of a group, there should never be any pressure to do any kind of sexual act as a part of your path if you aren't fully comfortable with it.  Now, this can be a bit tricky, especially when it comes to trauma and someone trying to do shadow work on their own sexual issues.  But I think the key here is to remember that YOU should always be in the drivers seat.  You are the one who decides when you are ready to work on the uncomfortable stuff, you decide what is too much, and no one should ever make you feel less than for what you do (or do not do).

Sex can be a powerful act that can be used magically for a variety of purposes.  You can also have powerful magic and a full and complete practice without including sex in your workings at all.  There is room enough in this world for everyone to have the kind of practice they desire, and sex is just one more variable that we can explore (or not).  And remember, "no" is a complete sentence, and you don't owe anyone any justification on why you may not want to do something.  No is enough.