We live in a world that is still tilted towards the masculine, and yet the role of Father is one that is still full of confusion and apprehension. For some reason, the idea of men and kids just doesn't compute for a lot of people, and they assume that any man needs to be taught to be a Father (while women just naturally 'know' how to be mothers...which is problematic in it's own right, but not the topic of today's blog!) But also, a lot of the things that we still teach men about what it means to be a man feels like it is in direct conflict with what we talk about when it comes to good parenting.
And I think a part of that is that we are in a place in history where we are unlearning what traditional gender roles are and trying to break into a new way of navigating the world. Many people are already working through their issues with traditional masculine behaviors and attitudes, but they still may be at a loss when it comes to parenting.
One of the first things I think we need to talk about is the role of Fatherhood. Fatherhood is simply put, the act of being a father, but even though we have different words for a male parent versus a female one, the 'duties of fatherhood' are not intrinsically different from the 'duties of motherhood'. In fact, I go so far as to flat out say that it doesn't matter your gender, you are a parent, and being a father isn't that different from being a mom.
Especially when you look at something like single parenthood. Many people talk about it as if the single parent is 'taking on the roles of both mother and father', but we have lots of examples, from around the world, about the different ways in which we parent. Many families break the 'traditional' gender roles when it comes to parenting, because that is what works for their family.
Some of the things that we used to link to fatherhood are: being a provider, being a disciplinarian, teaching your son's to be men (while it was the mother's job to teach daughters to be women). But in a world where it isn't always the man (or only the man) that is working to provide for the family, this narrative falls apart in the real world because it limits a parent in how they parent based on their gender.
I would argue that part of being a good parent is seeing to your children's needs. This includes things like providing for them (because obviously kids need things that cost money), setting up boundaries (and using appropriate discipline to help your kids learn the rules of society). Honestly, I think we can get rid of teaching our boys/girls to be men/women and instead just teach our kids how to adult.
And this circles right back around to dismantling gender stereotypes. Yes, there are some biological things that kids growing up will need to learn how to manage. Periods, shaving, puberty, sex education...these are ALL things that can actually be helped by busting through gender binaries and teaching all kids about how different people experience things. Speaking as someone who had periods, if every kid at school had been taught how periods worked, and to be kind about issues that might come up with them, things would have been a lot less stressful...and I'm sure the same could be said about erections or voice changes.
I also think a big part of growing up is learning how to manage things like emotions, stress, setbacks and any number of other things that we have to face as a part of adult (and even kid) life. And the old ways, where men were expected to keep everything inside and always put on a strong face isn't serving anyone. So why would we want to push this mentality onto our children?
Parenthood starts with love. We love our kids, and we want the best for them. We want them to grow up to be healthy adults, able to pursue the life they want to live and become the people they want to be. And we get there by being who our kids need us to be. That might mean listening to them cry over their most recent heartbreak or showing them how to change a tire on the car. It may mean learning to style hair the way they want, helping them find exercise that they love or showing them how to cook their favorite foods. It is teaching all of them, regardless of gender, how to live on their own, which means being able to take care of themselves and their home.
It also means encouraging everyone to step up and take responsibility for their actions....which definitely includes being a father to any kids you have helped create. I'm very much oversimplifying here, but every kid deserves to be loved, and it is your responsibility, as a parent, to put your kid's well being above your feelings about your ex. No kid ever wants to feel like they aren't loved because their parents can't get along.
And while biology can make you a father, it doesn't take biology to be a father. Anyone who steps into the parent role with a loving heart will be an amazing parent! The child you help raise might not be related to you, and in some ways that requires even more love and dedication (though I bet that most parent's in this situation will tell you that they don't think of it this way, they just love their kid like everyone else).
Even if you aren't a father, you can help support fathers who are trying to become more than what they were taught to be. You can help them learn new things that will enable them to connect with and be responsible for their kids in ways that might not come naturally to them. You can be there for them when they are having a rough time, and you can reassure them that their best is absolutely enough, and that even if they make mistakes, if their heart is in the right place, their kids will know.
We are all in this journey of life together, and we can't become better if we don't help each other. So whether you are a father or not, you know one. Maybe we need to all take some time to really think about what we expect from fathers....and what we should expect.
No comments:
Post a Comment