Mothering yourself

 

I know Mother's Day has come and gone, but I wanted to speak a little about the topic of mothers.  As an archetype, 'mother' is the one who loves you, unconditionally.  She is the one who will fight tooth and nail for you to succeed.  She will sacrifice from herself to help you grow.  She is there to dry your tears, shield you from nightmares and kiss any wounds to make them better.  She cooks nourishing food and slips you cookies.  If mom is there, all is right in the world.

 

And yet, in reality, no one can be all these things all the time.  Some mothers are none of these things, and people grow up with abusive experiences or no mother at all.  You may struggle to bond with your mother because you are too different (or too much alike).  You may only be able to appreciate your mother when you look back and remember things (that felt unfair at the time, but now you realize were actually for your own good).  You might find yourself wishing your mother was more like other mothers you knew (because we have envy for specific traits or we aren't seeing other people in their entirety).

This can all lead to a disconnect, not only from your mother (whether she is present in your life or not), but also from the idea of being cared for and safe.  Of course a lot of things factor into this, but learning how to seek out and nurture those 'little lost child' parts of ourselves, learning how to mother ourselves, can lead to us feeling more secure and grounded...and loved.

One of the images I find super useful is the 'council of selves', sort of a big round table where all the bits of me can meet and discuss stuff.  And you don't have to be a mother (or female) to have a mother aspect inside you!  Finding and connecting with the part of us that 'mothers' things can help us to call on her when we are feeling particularly vulnerable or in need of mothering ourselves.

It can be really hard to admit (even to ourselves) that we are hurting and need to be taken care of.  We are often so used to being in charge, to handling things and taking pride in being self-sufficient, that it can feel like a weakness to want someone else to step in for a bit.  And I'd wager a big part of those feelings do stem back to our inner child, who is constantly trying to prove how 'grown up' they are.

We can, and absolutely should, ask for help from other people when we need it.  It's super nice to be taken care of, especially when we are in a rough patch.  But we can't always get help from outside, and it's a really powerful thing to be able to care for yourself like you would care for someone else...to mother yourself and treat yourself as if you were a precious and beloved being for whom you wanted all the best in life.

The first step to mothering yourself is to really stop and see what you need, in that particular moment.  I've seen people talk about mom-sense before, how moms sometimes just know what's wrong, without you having to tell them.  So tune into your inner-mom-sense and figure out what's going on.

This is also where the mental image of the council of selves can be helpful.  Sometimes it's hard to be kind and loving and supportive of ourselves (especially when we are in a bad place), and stepping into that other self can give us a little distance and instead of thinking "What do I need", we can turn it into "If I were someone who loved me unconditionally, what would they want to do for me right now?"  Just that little switch can help us move past mental blocks we may have erected around feelings of insecurity or lack of self-worth.

If you are still struggling with this, try visualizing yourself as an actual child (maybe even a particular child that isn't you but whom you care about), or a beloved pet.  And think about what kinds of things you would do for them, just to show you cared.  Or try thinking of specific times in your past when you were most in need of mothering, and what you wished someone had done for you then.

The easiest part is actually doing the things, once you've figured out what to do!  Make yourself a decadent bath, with treats and bubbles, the whole nine yards.  Or fix a home cooked meal, perhaps one you have nostalgic feelings for (whether it was something you loved as a child, something you ate at a friends house and wished you could eat at home, or something you read about that just sounded lovely).  If you are feeling under the weather, lay out all the things you might need during the day (as if you were setting it up for someone else, trying to make sure they would have anything they might want while you weren't there to fetch it for them).  Draw yourself little love notes in your planner, send yourself cute stickers on messenger, trace hearts on your bathroom mirror after you shower.

No matter what kind of relationship you had/have with your mother, you can build a relationship with the mother inside, and mother yourself in the ways you have always wanted.  (pst, you can also do this even if you have a great relationship with your mother!)  We often get so caught up in doing what needs to be done, or taking care of others, spending some time mothering yourself is an indulgence we all need to engage in!