Attending war victims

 Memorial day is a time to honor those who have fallen in war, but I think that there are many ways to do this, and one is to find a way to help those who were victimized by the war.  Now victims could be people who were directly impacted, people who lost their homes or were injured in a war, but it could also be people who were indirectly impacted, like family members of people who were lost in the war.  War reaches far and wide and when you stop and think about it, there are many people who could be considered war victims.

You might ask how helping victims fits the purpose of the holiday, but I feel like many soldiers fought to help people, whether they believed in the goals of the war or if they were trying to defend their loved ones.  We don't live in a vacuum, and the reasons behind the actions often show us so much.  If the people who fought (and died) did it for other people, it makes sense that finding ways to do things for people who have suffered due to the war would be an homage to the soldiers who lost their lives in the same war.

A very simple way to meld these two concepts together is to ask people to tell you about their loved ones who were lost in war.  Memories help keep people alive, and sharing memories (even with a stranger who didn't know the person involved) helps people feel close to their lost loved one.  Especially if it is an older person, they may feel like they are the only one left who remembers a particular story, or even a person. 

Other little gestures can mean a whole lot as well.  There are many graveyard traditions for different groups, from placing flowers on a grave, to putting coins on the headstone, to leaving trinkets or offering food (or other types of things).  Learning about these traditions gives you new ways to help honor those who have died, but also let the people who remember and love them know that other people are thinking of them too.  Going to the grave of someone you cared about and seeing signs that other people have been there and paid their respects can make them feel a little less alone.

There are also often memorial style services for specific wars and groups of soldiers, and you might feel like this is something you want to help with.  Often these are run by volunteers, and they frequently appreciate any help that is offered.  You can contact the people in charge of running the event and see what they need help with, and what you can give.  If you are busy, this might mean donating supplies or money, but if you don't have any of those to spare, you might offer your time instead.

And sadly there is always conflict going on somewhere in the world, so there are opportunities to help victims of ongoing wars.  Again, there are many ways to help, from finding a charity to contribute to, offering up your time and energy to send care packages or write letters, or (depending on where you live and your means) actively helping to take care of refugees or other survivors.

Even in our own homes, when we set out a memorial for those who lost their lives in conflict, we can also light a candle for those who have lost other things but still remain.  We can think about what those soldiers might have done, had they come home, who they might have embraced and who is crying over their grave.  When we bring comfort to those people, we honor the soldier they cared about.

Memorial day will always be a somber holiday, but by remembering the victims who remain, we can shift a bit of that sadness into a sense of community.  We can keep the soldiers memories alive, especially to the people who knew and loved them.  We can look after the people that those soldiers are no longer able to care for.  And we can create something lovely out of the loss that their deaths created in the world.

Moderation in wild harvesting

 As human beings evolved from being hunter-gatherers to cultivating land and crops, we shifted our mindset when it comes to harvest.  With a planted field, it makes sense to harvest all that is available, especially as we became more specialized as a society and not everyone has a garden, so those who plant crops provide for many people, not just themselves.

But as Pagans, we often go out into nature and wild harvest, gathering plants, nuts fruits (and other bits and bobs) for our practice, and we need to make sure we are being responsible and mindful when we harvest from nature.

On a purely physical level, if we take everything we find, especially if we clear an area out of a particular plant or resource, we deplete the area.  This can not only make it harder for us to find the same things at a later date, but it can deprive the wild critters who live in that area from the things we have harvested as well.

On a spiritual level, we should always seek to give something back when we take, even if that something is a pour of fresh water, an expression of our gratitude and a blessing on the land so that it can provide for us in the future.

But I think it goes deeper than that as well.  When we wild harvest, we aren't devoting our time and energy to growing what we want to harvest, we typically are wandering about, hunting for what we seek.  And spending the time to consider what else may benefit from the things we are harvesting helps us build that connection to both the land and the other beings who dwell there.

Many of the things we wish to gather are plentiful, but when they are not, we need to be extra mindful of what we take.  If it's been a dry year, and the fruits are not in abundance, we may decide it best to take only a few things and to leave the majority for the native residents who might be relying on those foods to survive.

You may find that you also pick which things to harvest differently, in sparse years, depending on what you plan to do with your harvest.  If you are looking for edible things, then of course you want to find ones that are ripe and not damaged, but if you are looking for spell ingredients you might leave some of the best options for others who are searching for food, choosing to take damage or overripe options instead (especially if you are planning on transforming them in some way or if you are making use of the seeds and don't need your harvest to be pristine).

And if you are taking other materials, like stones or wood, it is always good to keep in mind where you are harvesting from.  If I am picking a branch from a tree, I can look for a branch that is growing in a difficult place or that perhaps has taken some damage already.  Don't just think about what you need, but consider what would help the tree (or at least what would cause the least harm).

I should also note that it is best if you do your research for any animal related things.  If you are wanting anything that might be part of an animal's home (like a bird nest or such), you may want to learn how to tell when a nest has been abandoned, so you aren't displacing someone.  Sometimes even spending too much time around an animal's home can disturb them (especially if they have young), so being aware of your environment and trying to disturb the natural world as little as possible is a great goal to keep in mind.

Nature has a lot to offer us, and in most cases more than we would need.  But that doesn't mean we should take it for granted, and we should always strive to work in harmony with the world around us, to share what is available, and to leave the world in a better state than we found it.  This will do so much more for our practice than that extra herb or stone.

Birthgiver does not equal mother

Mother's Day can be a landmine for anyone who has a complicated relationship with their mother (or I should say with the person who birthed them).  Because that's really what this post is about....that just giving birth doesn't make you a Mother.  I feel like we've imbued the word Mother with energies that are earned (and it's really not that hard to earn them...love is they key to it all!).

Speaking as someone who has had a child, and who often didn't feel connected with the role of Mothering, and someone who had a complicated relationship with their own mother (who was a good mother, we just didn't always line up in our understandings when I was little), I have always had a bit of a disconnect with the closeness that is often shown between a mother and child.  

When I was in the middle of raising our son, there were a ton of times where I felt not worthy, where I thought I was being a 'bad mother' or where I just felt completely out of my depth.  I worried all the time that our son would grow up damaged from my own lack.

The thing is, now that I'm beyond the day to day (since son is grown and on his own), I can look at him and be proud, not only of the man he's grown to be, but the influences of myself I see in him.  And I honestly feel that trying to be a better mother is the absolutely most important thing.  

Where I feel the real difference between mother and birthgiver is in your focus.  Mothers (regardless of whether they are birthgivers or not) want the best for their child.  They want to see them grow into the person they are, they want to help them but still challenge them, they want them to become independent, whole people.

Often the people who clamor the loudest about how great of a mother they are aren't focused on their child at all.  They take every opportunity to make their child all about them.  Their child becomes an accessory, something they can show off or use to demonstrate how wonderful they are (or overworked, or patient or whatever they feel they want to be perceived as).  ((I should note, not every person who treats a child in their care this way is the birthgiver, nor the mother, but since this is a Mother's day post, that is where my focus is in this post))

There is a loud group of people who want to equate birthgiver with Mother and demand that everyone (but especially the child) give the birthgiver respect.  Except they aren't really talking about respect (basic or otherwise), they are actually talking about obedience and borderline worship.  Like the child somehow owes their birthgiver everything and should be paying them back with their life.

And there is something very messed up about that attitude.  Even if you have the best mother in the world, and you are very grateful for their role in your life...you don't owe them (and they probably wouldn't want you to think of it as a debt)!  There is a huge difference between gratitude and appreciation and servitude (and there are people who treat their children as slaves).

Now, I want to clarify, that I'm all for chores, for teaching children responsibility (and respect), for showing children how to take care of themselves (and others) as well as their environment.  As a Mother (or Father, or caregiver of any kind), I definitely feel part of your 'job' is to ready the child for life as an adult, and that includes teaching responsibilities.

But there is a huge difference between teaching a child to help around the house with appropriate chores, and requiring them to do all the housework in order to 'earn' basic necessities (like food).  There is a difference between teaching children manners and forcing them to 'respect their elders' (especially when those elders are being skeevy or overbearing).  There is a difference between asking children to help with things they can manage (like taking care of a pet or helping a parent get dinner ready) and expecting them to take care of the parent (because the parent is lazy or demanding, not because there is an actual need).

It's definitely a thing that has a lot of shades of grey and isn't simple, but I feel that it's something that is SO ingrained in us as a society that around this time of year I always want to put these thoughts out there, in case anyone is struggling with their relationships with their birthgiver.  Just giving birth doesn't make you a mother, and you have full rights to cut ties with anyone (including blood relatives) who are toxic in your life...including your birthgiver!

Sex and Ritual

 

A lot has changed in the Pagan community in the years since I first started learning, and one of the big changes is in regards to sex.  Now, sex is a taboo topic for many people, and it's one of those subjects that most people receive very mixed messages about from the media.  We are taught to be both embarrassed by any and all discussions of sex and also it's shoved in our face in tv/movies and advertising.

When I first started learning, there was a lot of sexual concepts that were taught as 'standard', from the Great Rite (both in actual and in symbolic forms) to passing a kiss around the circle, to various forms of sexual magic (both magic done through sex and magic done with the purpose of creating opportunities for sex or otherwise enhancing sexual situations).

While sex in and of itself isn't bad or dirty or something to be avoided, the attitudes towards sex and ritual were less that desirable.  There was always shame put on anyone who wasn't comfortable (for any reason) with sexual content (including nudity at ritual), and sex was something that was 'on the table' for most group work (even if you chose to abstain personally, there might be sex acts going on around you).

Even outside of group situations, a lot of magic (and the process of teaching magic) was done with the bonded pair put forth as the desired working situation.  Where a man and a woman would join in a magical partnership, and sex was often a part of this bonding process.  Sometimes same sex pairings would be 'allowed' but even then, one person was expected to take on the masculine role and one the feminine (based on the idea that it was the joining of these two opposing energies that would create powerful magic).

I'm quite happy with the direction that things have taken in more recent years.  Not only do you rarely hear about things like the Great Rite (which really always sounded to me like an excuse for coven leaders to have sex with multiple partners...which of course it's fine to have multiple partners, but don't use magic as your cover, just be honest about what you want and with whom), but consent has become a much bigger topic of conversation.

Consent is one of those things that definitely needs to be talked about more (in general society), and it amuses me that most often the groups that are seen as somewhat outside the norm (LGBT+, kink, polyamory) often have a way better understanding of what consent actually means.  Consent doesn't just mean getting the other person to say yes, it means that they actually want to say yes, that they want to say yes throughout the whole encounter, and that they feel no pressure or shame if they were to say no.

So what does this mean for sex and ritual?  It means, that if you are planning on doing anything sexual, that you need to have proper consent from everyone involved...and that means everyone involved needs to understand exactly what is going on.  It means that if someone isn't interested in doing this kind of work, that they aren't shamed or otherwise treated poorly for sitting out a ritual (nor are they pressured in any way to participate).  This also means that you can't use "but sex is part of this ritual" as an excuse to be unfaithful to your regular partner (in a relationship that wouldn't normally allow you to have other partners).

And even if you aren't part of a group, there should never be any pressure to do any kind of sexual act as a part of your path if you aren't fully comfortable with it.  Now, this can be a bit tricky, especially when it comes to trauma and someone trying to do shadow work on their own sexual issues.  But I think the key here is to remember that YOU should always be in the drivers seat.  You are the one who decides when you are ready to work on the uncomfortable stuff, you decide what is too much, and no one should ever make you feel less than for what you do (or do not do).

Sex can be a powerful act that can be used magically for a variety of purposes.  You can also have powerful magic and a full and complete practice without including sex in your workings at all.  There is room enough in this world for everyone to have the kind of practice they desire, and sex is just one more variable that we can explore (or not).  And remember, "no" is a complete sentence, and you don't owe anyone any justification on why you may not want to do something.  No is enough.